He said that he hopes you burn in Hell,
I told him that all I wish is for you to be well.

And if today were a song
I would sing all day long.
Are perfect days real?
Certainly, I would say.
I got all of my work done and
Turned in without crying
And I had a double lunch date
With my friends and my
Beautiful girlfriend at
My favorite sushi place.
After we had milkshakes
And went swimming.
We kissed so much that
I just kept falling in love
over and over for her again.
She rode on my back in the pool
While I made stupid jokes about
Shrek and screamed about
Those **** horseflies.
With every second that went by,
I couldn't help but to think
"Wow, today is such a wonderful day".
Honestly, I had an awful week.
Last night I started crying because
Of how stressed I really was
And the nagging feeling of failure
Was starting to become a friend to me
And I was scared that I was just going to
Tumble blindly into the oblivion that is my future.
But finally my breathing is back to normal,
And my head isn't filled with the amount of
Papers due this week or how many math corrections I have done.
It is now filled with all the love in the world
And you can it on my face again,
I am just so happy.

im pretty sure i
eat less than
i should.

i dont have time for
breakfast and
the lunch at school is usually
gross.
i eat a lot at dinner but
thats all.
i dont get hungry but
im not trying to get
skinny either.

thats the thing:
im not trying and
yet im achieving

also, i just
dont have the
time.

i doubt i even eat
over 1000 calories anymore.
and considering we do
******* workouts at
school every other day;
im losing weight.

it feels nice to
fit in my
homecoming
dress.

Everything inside of me is
Whispering your
Name.


                      *mike

suddenly i feel as empty as the pint of cherry garcia sitting on my bed next to my thousands of used tissues.

You slipped down
Inside my
Soul
And hid a part
Of me that
Once was
W h o l e.

I crave to fill your heart with my name

so, maybe it's okay, maybe it's meant to be.

I want nothing more than to be your friend.

His hands
Went down
Into my pants.
I hated the
Feeling
Of his sweaty,
Cold
Palms
And fingertips
On my skin.

He didnt just
Touch
Me in places
That should be kept
Untouched.
He touched my
Soul
And let out
The demons
Inside.

Silly me for thinking
I** could be part of you.
Losing people is
Like being sane and
Yes I do mean "normal."

Maybe if I was "normal" then
Even I could be loved.

I've allowed myself to develop a crush on him, but I know I will just end up being crushed, so why bother?

they made me scream today and i didn't feel like myself, but it sure as hell felt like the right thing to do, almost like it has been scratching its way up my throat, trying to escape all the pain and suffering that is condensed inside my chest. I'm like a balloon ready to pop, and I'm simply just running out of the ability to hold these particles inside of me that just want to burst.

she said I'm this way due to a bloodline curse.
that it's already been broken, but
because i've apparently "decided" to live this way
I will continue to suffer for my
"lifestyle".

I pulled out your chair and you thanked me
with your nice brown eyes and your pearly white smile.
You sat down in your pretty pink sundress and
you made me melt with your stories and your voice.
Nobody knew it was a date,
I simply told my parents that
you and I just wanted some coffee.
But God, the way you held my hand
made me feel something I haven't felt in a long while:
Safe and secure.

I hate the way I look at you...
with loving eyes and kind thoughts...
you'd think that everything you and I have done would
sway my thoughts about you or change the way that I look at you,
but instead it has only made me grow even fonder of you and I'm not
really sure how I should go about handling this.

But whatever I do, just know that I am fond of you and that
I adore you.

never give someone the power to make you feel like you're less than nothing, because you're worth the whole ******* cosmos

Not going to admit it but
I'm falling for you all over
again.

And that's what I believe that you always deserved--someone who would love you regardless of your scars. It's what we all deserve. It's a lot like the love that God shows us. That's what you deserve. And now? Oh darling, it's what you have. Please, just cherish it. Love with everything you have. Let this Love become a part of you, because it's pure and beautiful and you deserve to be happy. Just Love with every fiber of your being. Love is the only hope we have left anymore.

tell me,
when you're blessed with a good day
what do you do?
do you revel in how wonderful it was
and wait for the bad times to come
or will you try your best to allow that good day
to carry onto the next day, and then the next
until it becomes a good week,
a good month,
a good year,
a good life?

honestly, my optimism is returning.
my hope in humanity is coming home.
and more importantly,
i am finding a place inside of myself that
i can call home for once.

i think that maybe this doesn't have to just be a good day,
but it can be a good life as well.

there was a gun on my table
lying there, silver and charcoal,
begging me to feel it's trigger.
I've waited a long time for this,
but I cannot bring myself to
take the opportunity to
grab the gun and
put it on my
temple and
let the sound ring throughout
the entire universe.

I am surely tempted,
but I have made far too many promises
to let this temptation get the best of me.

so happy that you gave me
extra credit.
i was literally crying because of
the B i got on the test today
and then you realized how much
i wanted that A, so you
let me have it.

oh dear god, thank you!
im just so happy, ah!

But that's the thing:
You don't have to
worry about me.
I am completely
capable of handling
every **** thing
that goes wrong
in my life and
I would really
just appreciate it
if you would
shut the **** up.

Dear Michael,
     I honestly have a lot to say. I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I'll go with something I've been thinking about lately. I've been meaning to say thank you. I'm not sure if I have ever told you this, but I mean it. I am thankful that you cared enough to listen to me. I am thankful that you cared about me even when I believed nobody did. I am so thankful for you.

    I keep trying to think of what it must've been like to hear what was going on with me. I, personally, thought you could care less. Even though you showed me you cared by bringing me to the counselors office and staying after to talk to me, I didn't understand. I was so completely immersed in my thoughts that I didn't realize that it must've been hard for you. I'm sure they questioned you, asked you what I said when you told them what happened. And I do not blame you for telling them, it's your job. But, you didn't just tell them because you're obligated too, right You care, I know you do. And if you wouldn't have cared, i believe I wouldn't be here writing this, listening to vinyls and studying for my 9th grade exams. Let that sink in for a second. Just because you cared, I am here. I am alive. Yes, other things an people contributed, but in the end you were the only person who I believed actually cared if I was alive or dead. It's scary, feeling so alone. It wasn't even a feeling anymore. It was real.

      Anyways, I believe you showed me light. I believe that I owe you so much. I owe you my life, the things I accomplish and the love I give. You can tell me I don't, but I know I do. Thank you for letting me live and breathe and smile and cry and laugh and learn and see the stars. Thank you so so so much.

            Love Always and Forever,

                                                           Rach

she sought Death on a queen size bed

I never thought about how much I
Hate myself.
It's practically to a point where I
Can't deal with myself
Anymore.
I hate my
Body,
It's the outside shell that
Gets judged
By them.
I hate my
Personality,
Sometimes it's not
Enough
Or it's too much.
I hate my
Height,
I'm always too
Short
And my lovers are too tall.
And last but not least,
I hate the
Way I care about you.

Caring for you is so hard,
You act like you care about me.
You cuddle with me,
And when our feet touch it's
electric
And we
Play with each others hair,
Which is fun too.
I always get so close to kissing you
And yet
You turn away.
I know it's not your thing and
To be honest
It's not mine either.
But,
For some reason,
I'd kiss you
All day,
Everyday.

I lay next to you,
Smiling because you make me happy.
I'm suddenly overwhelmed
By the feelings I can't
Control.

You hand me another book to read.
Our fingertips brush.
I feel the electricity, don't you?

You came over to my house one day,
Helping me with my studies,
That's all.
But when I paraded half naked in front of you
I saw the looks in the mirror.

Your eyes look famished,
Desperate for a drink.
Your mouth was slightly open
You looked in awe.
You searched my curves,
Your fingers traced my bones.

All I could see through the mirror
Was how much you wanted me.
Did you want me?
Or
Did you want the curves?
I'd let you use me,
But you'd rather not,
Why?

I could show you things,
Things unimaginable.
I could trace every inch of your body,
I could kiss every inch of your soul.
I could make you know what love is
But No!

I'm not her, am I?
I'm me. And me is all I can ever be.

You see, I'm alone.

Even with you lying next to me,
I can feel your heartbeat,
Memorize your breathes.
I can still smell the scent you left behind that day,
And still see your body
On the bed next to me.

It would never matter because I never will.

You turned me down
Laughed at me
Looking around
I silently sigh not
Knowing what I'm in
For.

Strange tears, the
Hot one fall down
My cheeks
knowing
That I'll be alone
Without you.

If it's so easy to be bad
why don't I feel good?

I am full of love to give, every part of me aches to give love to you. it pours out of me like a fountain pours water. my mouth aches to tell you I love you and my heart beats to the song your breath allows. I love you because I have love to give. you love me constantly and fully, which allows to give it right back to you.
I have never felt so right and in place since the day I was born, hence the reason I am staying. loving you is strong, and delicate, and I am so in love with the way you love me and I love you.

How do I even begin to say I'm sorry?
Amy... What I've done to you
can never be taken back.
You mean the world to me,
and I am so sorry for how awful of a
friend I've been.
I was selfish and I was so sad,
and the one person who was really there for me
was you, and I hurt you so terribly.
What I did is truly unforgivable,
and I will not even dare to ask for your forgiveness,
Because I know I am not worthy.
But I just need you to know how sorry I am,
And how I plan on letting you know.
I'm a ******* awful human being,
And I never would've realized how much I've
Turned to **** if she wouldn't have made me realize what I've done.
I was completely oblivious to the pain I had caused,
and for lack of better words,
I was blind to what I did,
Especially to you.
You were my best friend,
And I'm such a ******* idiot for hurting you.
I'm so sorry Amy. I'm so so so so so sorry.
I will find a way to make things right,
And I will tell you all of this in person.
I love you, Amy. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused.
I know I have made mistakes,
And it's time for me to own up to them.

a bag full of clothes
and my favorite book:
I didnt know what it meant
I just knew that you were gone,
that you wanted nothing to do with me.
I figured I'd leave you alone,
give you some time to yourself.
You seemed better off without me anyways.
But I didn't know what that bag of clothes
and my favorite book
would do to me.

As soon as I got home,
I opened up the bag
and the first thing I noticed was your scent.
God...I missed my best friends scent.
It's weird, you never really miss something like that
until it's gone.
And I never really thought I'd have to miss that.
I tore through the bag as tears flowed down my cheeks
and my heart broke more and more as I realized
just how many skirts, shirts, and dresses I had shared with you.
God, I miss you.
I miss being able to share my clothes with you
and I miss hearing your laugh.
I miss that time we spent all night talking on the phone
or in your room.
I miss that time you tried to teach me how to twerk,
And I failed miserably.
I miss telling you that your dreams of New York would become reality.
And I miss you, just in general.

I know you've cried because of the pain I've put you through,
And dear god am I sorry for the way I hurt you.
You, more than anyone in this ****** world,
Deserves happiness and love.
I'm sorry for what I did,
For hurting you in the worst way possible,
And I am so sorry for being the complete opposite
Of your best friend.
I love you, and I do not deserve your forgiveness,
but I just need you to know this.
I just need you to know how sorry I am
and how much I love you.

I am so sorry for what I have done to you.
From the on and off starving,
and to the horrible food I eat,
and even all the way back to a year ago
when I tried my hardest to cut open my veins.
I would like to apologize to my body,
Because I know I'm worth so much more than that.
I'm beautiful,
And it's about time for me to treat myself
like I am.

You couldn't look at me today when
I took a bite of that apple.
I saw the disappointment in
Your eyes.
But I'm sorry
The fact that
I'm unhappy
Being the way I am
Makes me this way.
I plan to change
My weight
And feel
good
About myself.

I hope you can
Understand that.

I will only allow gum and water
to go in my mouth.
I'll smile and watch as my
tummy goes hollow.
I'll feel nothing down my throat
go south.
Because after all,
Good girls don't swallow.
:)

-RA

i can't be who i am,
and i'm still not exactly sure
who that is.
one day i like my teacher,
the next it's a girl online.
so,
who exactly do i
prefer?

i'm not sure.

"Angel...oh oh oh oh... Knew you were special from the moment I saw you...I saw you, yeah."
"Me? Special? You're the angel, not me."
"I said Angel, oh oh oh oh, I feel you're closer every time I call you...I call you."
"Everytime?"
"Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings,"
"You can?"
"But I know what I am and the life I live, yeah, the life I live."
"You're not that girl anymore, I know you."
"And even though I sin, baby we are born to live."
"Baby?"
"But I know time will tell if we're meant for this, yeah if we're meant for this."*
"We are, trust me."

her name was angel (coincidence?)
and she came up to me tonight
she had this light in her eyes as she
told me that God has a plan for me.
she thought i'd think she was crazy because
she said he talks to her. (i kind of did)
but, i stayed open-minded because
thats just who i am.

she said that God says im beautiful and
that i will do great things. then she
went into greater detail about how my life will completely
change if i would just stop being so stubborn and let him in,
for he knows i will change the entire world with my leadership.
(ive never met this lady before but she seems to know me more than i know myself.)

i listened carefully as she told me that i needed to call out to God and
worship him, for he will show me the way.

throughout the night i pondered on who i am and what i will be.
she even said that i know exactly what i want to do, but God will not only
let me have my dreams, but even more. he will make my dreams multiply
tenfold and i will be a leader and many will follow me.

i cant decide if i believe her or not, but
since this has happened twice in two weeks
i might as well give God a try.