You said I looked like a
Boy.
With high waisted shorts,
Leather/Jean jacket,
Crop top and
Combat boots.

My makeup looked natural and
My hair was down.

Yeah,
I looked like a boy.

What's the occasion?
What's with all the flowers?
Why did you bring them here,
It's not even at the hour!
"She died" he said
And he gasped with fright
And he sighed and said
"It was throughout the night"
He cried and cried
Then realized his whole
She wasn't dead!
She was just missing her soul!
He leaped with joy
Ran to her way
And opened the door
To finally say--


"I love you."

and eyes are windows to our souls, where did the desire to know yours go?

i miss the panic attacks that i
used to have
the ones that made me physically weak
the ones that made me shake and cry
the ones that told me that i am weak

sounds terrible, and they really were.
but, i'd rather the physical pain
and the emotional pain
than the psychological pain that i
go through when i have my "new" attacks.

my new attacks scare me so much because
i suddenly feel so unreal.
like reality is taken from me
and i can see myself
i can see the people around me,
i can see everything
and its exhausting,
being in that state of mind.
and then i start to hear things--
screaming people,
children laughing,
a constant voice just saying something.
these aren't my thoughts,
this is a new form of panicking.
and i hate every second of it.

They said I needed to start
caring about myself and
not care about others.

I care about myself.
I'm better than ever.
I'm not happy...
but I'm not sad.
Why do they care anyways?

Yes, I do try and take care of others.
But, that's just who I am.
I love being the one who brings someone
else's spirit up.

But, apparently it is only making me worse?

Take away my phone,
Take away my life,
Take away anything.

To be honest, they are things I
can live without.
Yeah, they make life easier,
but, I am focused on getting the
**** away from y'all to be submerged in
my social life anyways.

So, dear parents, punish me and tell me that
I need to stop caring for others.
I've already gotten caring for y'all off the list,
who wants to be next?

we talked about how I
seem to be noticing girls
more than guys.
how that the way some
of these beautiful women
speak
          look
                  act
                        are
makes my
lips quiver
makes my
heart skip beats
makes my
mind race with thoughts.

I thought maybe I could
control these feelings but
the dreams I have of the
faceless woman has shone
that I'm anything but
                s
         t
                    r
       a
               i
                      g
         h
               t

"How can you keep that?"
                                                                    **"I don't even know anymore."

I was sitting in class today
My eyes drifted for a second
You were laughing,
Everyone was laughing
I tried to
But
Nothing came out.

I looked around
Sighed even
And thought to myself
nobody would care if I were gone.

I sighed again
And
Turned to you.
You were smiling and I was glad
You were happy
I'm grateful for that at least.
That's all I ask for
Your happiness
But I won't lie
When I say that I was jealous
Because she made you laugh
And I couldn't even muster
Up a word.

You deserve so much more than the world and I'm sorry I'm not quite ready to give it to you, but I'm trying to be. I just want to be the best possible version of myself and I sure as hell have a lot to work on and I don't want to hurt you, so that's why I'm trying to keep you at a distance. I want you to be happy and I want to be there when you are and when you're not and I just want to make you smile and *******, I just want to hold your hand and to tell you that it's all gonna be okay. But everything is so complicated and my thoughts are jumbled and my throat is so tight and it's hard to say my true feelings because I need to fix some things before I can give you what you deserve. Hell, I'm probably much less that what you actually deserve, but I'd be a lot of things if it meant that I could just see you smile again and again and again.
I just need to get through some things and then you'll see, oh honey, you'll see that I'm just trying to be the best that I know I can and will be.

and what is it like, dear?
being so in love,
being so convinced that she is all you desire,
that i am not enough to even be close to you anymore?

i think ive fooled everyone.
they all believe im happy.
that my laughter and smiles are real.
and yes, sometimes they are...
but, id rather see the blades and the blood.
and the real smile that creeps onto my face as
i press d
               o
                  w
                      n
into my skin and the vein opens up
and the blood starts pouring out.

i see myself doing this every night.
i know one day that i am bound to relapse.
i know that one day i wont be able to take it anymore.
i know that i probably am a bit crazy... probably even on the verge of psychopathy/sociopathy...
but, i am trying. i am trying to stop and i guess thats all that matters.

sometimes i believe that i should've killed myself last year,
but then i remember that i wouldn't have met half of the people that
i have come to love today.

i cant call this love
i know its... sort of complicated.
i can tell that it is for you.
one second you say im young
then the next you call me beautiful?
maybe i just take things in the wrong context.
but those blue eyes of yours really get me
and that silly smile you have on your face... god...
i just... i dont know. id never trespass your comfort zone
but i just keep thinking of the embraces we shared
and that kiss on the top of my head
i want you to remember me and love me
and maybe just turning that kiss from the top of my head
to down to my lips, and to love every second of it.
just once, please, one day let me lean in and
taste a real mans lips.

This is the first time I've
thought about him in the
last week or so.
Not thinking of him and
now thinking of her is
possibly a miracle.
I'd think of him day
and night and everything
in between those times.
I'd barely sleep from tears
and around him my heart would race.
Was that honestly what love felt like?

To be honest, I think it was love.
But, not the good kind of love.
Not the love that pours out of Leigh
and not that love that I will endlessly
give back to her.

She makes me want to be a better person
and to reach for the stars,
instead of wishing they'd never be there.

Oh dear, I am quite in love with you.
Do you feel the same as I do?

i just wish to remember how to touch a pencil on the paper again without wincing in pain from the horrid memories that always seem to surface when i try to draw.

At first we were just Di--
(Two)
But then we became Mono--
(One)
And we started to be Syn--
(Together).
You talk to me like you need me,
kind of like how you need Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and the other 10 elements in our bodies.
You say that I matter.
Not just because I have mass and I take up space,
but because I'm wonderful...special...adorkable.
I said our bond is like a covalent bond. We just share with one another.
It's not ionic, we don't just give and take.
And you said we're not an H-Bond,
because our bond isn't weak.
I said if we were a reaction,
We'd be a synthesis reaction.
Because we were once separate and
now we've became one. (A + B--->C)
You said that you hope we would never be like a decomposition reaction.
Because they we wouldn't be together. (A--->B + C)
And you also said that this feeling is like combustion, that you just might explode!
I laughed at that, because I don't understand how you feel, and I also cannot tell if it's just a part of these jokes we share or maybe something more.
You say "Maybe" like there is, but
you also say "One day" like I'll know you forever.
I guess it's just up to me to say,
"Who knows, not me."

your tongue felt like fire and i thought i was ready to burn

She seemed nice when I met her.
(Dyed) Brown hair and
Perfect ( Colored In) eyebrows and
A good kick.

She's played soccer before,
Just like me.
Even had a nice personality,
Or so I thought.
I wanted to befriend her but
She had other plans.

Now, when I see her at practice
I feel bad about myself.
Soccer used to be my
Safe haven and now it's
Turned into an unbearable sport
All because of the girl with the
(Dyed) Brown hair and
Perfect (Colored In) eyebrows and
A good kick in the
Face.

"I think I'm falling in love." She said with a slight quiver in her voice, scared of what I'd say or do next. I looked at her, I dared to ask, "Who? Who could possibly be worthy of you?" She turned around and then turned back, she looked me in the eyes with her big, beautiful blue eyes and said, "Only you." And she grabbed my face and kissed me with such passion, I think I would've passed out.


Good thing she was there to catch me.

How many minutes does it take for the light from the Sun to travel to Earth?
Easy, 8 minutes and 20 seconds.
What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon?
Easy, 238,900 miles exactly.
What color are her eyes?
... Something gold. A bright golden brown. The flecks show up mostly when she is in the light. Her skin glows florescent, but her eyes deepen with curiosity and an unimaginable spark illuminates within her.
...So, Brown?
I guess you could say that.
How fast does light travel?
Easy, 186,282 miles per second. Hit me with something harder.
Okay, What is her best feature?
Some would say her body and some would say her mind. But I love the thing that will never deteriorate, Her soul. Her soul is the most beautiful part about her. It is what is within her as well as what shows outside on a sunny day. It is what picks the flowers outside of her house and kisses me gently. It is who recommends music and tells me that she loves me more than I love her (even though that is false, I love her so much more) and that gives me hope in the midst of fear.
Her soul is what touches me, not her fingers. Her soul is living and breathing, not only inside of her, but inside of me as well.
...Do you really love her?
Guess you could say she's a part of me now.
Yes?
*Yes

I have these certain glimpses of heaven
When I look into your eyes.

people ask me what i
believe in all the time.
maybe god or buddhism or
maybe even poems that
rhyme.
but i believe in
the universe and
the art that surrounds me
so,
there is a black hole in the
middle
that not many people
do know.
i believe in art
and the smiles on
her face,
i also fall for her
and her un denying
grace.
i believe in books
wether fiction or
not,
i believe in the facts that
tell me the sun is
hot.
I've heard that there isn't
any room for God in
science,
but maybe there is if
you show some
appliance.
and the stars that shine
above,
are hydrogen gases that push and
shove.

the middle of our galaxy is
a massive black hole,
not even light can escape,
nothing ever whole.
you see the parts of me,
and you think, "oh shes so fine!"
but deep inside of me is
that black hole heart  of
mine.

remind them of their mistakes and remind them of how unworthy they were of your love and how worthless they are over and over again until the trigger has been pulled and there is blood on the floor surrounding you.

Even though you'll break my heart, I'll still take you as you are.

I didn't think that you'd reply,
but you did.
A simple "thank you" would've sufficed,
but you also told me more,
which made me smile.
I tried not to act like it made me happy,
but it did.
All I've wanted was to say hello,
but I was too hurt to do so.
But I put that aside to send you a "good luck" text
just in hopes that you'll know that
I'm still rooting for you.

and I would like to thank my shower for always being there with me through everything. my shower has seen the most vulnerable parts of me, and not just because I am physically naked in there, but because my soul is naked there as well. my shower has seen me cry and has listened to my stifled sobs and my muffled screams, as tears mixed with the water flowing from the faucet. my shower has seen me make love and create steam with more than just the hot water, but with our hot bodies pressed against each other with moans escaping us as we smile and kiss. my shower has heard me sing every song known to man, and has heard me mess up... a lot. I say sorry to my shower, as if it has feelings, but maybe it's just because I'm so used to ******* up all the time. my shower has watched me in the worst time of my life as I cut open my skin to let the demons out again and again. the blood would mix with the water and I always wondered if the water pressure would increase in that moment because it was crying for me to stop. my shower has lifted up my spirit in times of need, like on the day she left because I knew something was wrong. so what did I do? I got in the shower, blared oceans, and sobbed for a good thirty minutes. I wasn't ready to face the day, but I felt a bit more ready to hear those 5 horrible words that I knew were coming for me, "I'm breaking up with you". and most importantly, my shower has seen me smile. it has seen me smile as I sing and fail to do so and it has seen me laugh because I have such a beautiful life, and I will be so much more than what I am now. I know this because my shower has shown me with its constant companionship, and that is why I would like to thank my shower.

I love getting those
Sweet midnight messages.
The ones that remind me that
I do actually mean something
To anyone.
Thank you for them,
You know who you are
And
To those who come in the future,
Thank you also.
I appreciate your
Beautiful souls and
Your silly sweet smiles and
Your words of wisdom and your
Love and affection.
Thank you for being so
Wonderful and cautious with me and
So kind and sweet.
oh how sweet y'all are
*thank you from the bottom of
Not only my heart,
But my soul.

she walked in,
***** in hand and
car keys in the other.
breath smelled like
cigarettes and
alchohol mixed.
smelled horrid,
and looked
just as bad.
she stumbled in
and said,
"i will **** him!"
and i believed her.

she has the bruises and
the marks to prove how
angry she should be.

look,
i understand.
i get how you feel.
its about time you
get the help you need and
tell someone instead
of keeping it in
like you did.
thats why you
finally blew
up.

what is it?
the feeling of being loved
and knowing that
they feel the same way
whether you are dressed
or not?

i was scared.
standing there
without a shirt
makes me quite nervous.
my body isn't exactly fit
whereas you look like the
most perfect ballerina.
its not a bad thing,
i just wish i would be
a bit more... flat.

i love my body,
i just have a few things that
i know i could change.
i could eat healthier,
maybe work out more.
drink some more water than
coffee. (i sure do love coffee)
and cut back a bit.

i want to feel comfortable
in my own skin.
i want to be able to
dress how i want
without the fear of the
dress sizes or
being called those terrible names
as i once was in my childhood.

i want to let you do
the things you want to me
without me feeling ashamed.

sooner or later,
ill be completely ready.
you'll have worthy lips to kiss and
a whole new world
to explore with your fingertips.

i'm going to miss those beautiful blue eyes of yours

If I could be around you for most of my day, I would be.
Because then I'd feel the calmness that washes over me when you're around and my cheeks would hurt in the best of ways -- from smiling too much.

"So...all of this happened when she broke up with you?"
I looked at you after, scared that you'd hate me for all of the mistakes I've made. Scared that you'd leave too. I nodded slowly while tears started to flow down my burning cheeks.
"Does this change anything?"
You looked at me and smiled as you said, *"Why would it?"
"Because I've done terrible things, and it's easy to let all of this information make you look at me differently. I would understand if you did, but I just hope you don't."
*"Rachel, I see all of you. I don't want you to be afraid to show me who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. You're not that same girl, and I can see that. Nothing has changed, I still like you. Nothing you can say will change that fact."

you touched me and I felt a strange calmness wash over me that I had never felt before.

you sit across from me
and you try to rub your leg against my own like
we normally would do
but today I cannot look at you
I cannot speak to you
and I wish I didn't have to do this
because I miss you and
maybe I shouldn't miss you
but I do and I'm sorry.
I can't let this go on because I'm so scared that
I'll hurt you and that is the last thing I'd ever want to do.
So for now, I will let you go.
I'm so sorry.

seeing you calms the ever brewing storm inside of me; I've never known this feeling before

I'm doing what I should've done with her. I'm going to protect you from myself, so I'm saying goodbye. I'm sorry.

I love when we wake up together on the phone, because hearing your sleepy "Good Morning"s are so worth waking a bit earlier for.

How lucky am I to be able to wake up hearing your five different alarm clocks each morning?

You lie on my chest and I know that you only wish to be held.

kissing you is so beautiful.

You enchant me even when you're not around.

And now everything smells like the boy I adore.

I'm glad that
you're back.