(what blue tells “it’s a girl”)
(part 1)

emerging into the world under the banner
“it’s a girl!”
comes wrapped in nothing but pink
expectations

born pink
helium-filled mylar screams
branding new life from first breath
softness bubble-gum wrapped
cotton candy kissed
baby girl be soft

soft
soft pink
powder-puffed bunnies hide
power-puffed intentions that scream
pink for the taking
precious commodity
but only so long as the soft pink remains
intact
soft pink words rounded
nothing sharp for a baby born
without the blue
pink words saccharine-infused with sweetness
to be planted deep within
tiny bones to replace marrow
marrow meant to sustain a life
but pink
soft pink marrow
makes for a prettier picture
nobody likes a girl that’s jagged when you touch her
it’s a mortal sin to make a man bleed
red is not pink
be gentle


gentle
gentle girl
sit pretty sit silent
swallow down your voice
only open your mouth to make
pink butterflies cascade beauty
spit out only ribboned wings
floating rose-colored feathers
bubble-words all dull edges and placations
make sure those feathers land on the deserving
the deserving being those
born blue
fill the blue with your blush tones
enough to inflate egos
but not enough to touch the cyan
too much pink and blue runs
too much pink and blue changes
into a lilac sunset
blue needs to stay hard
reign in your pink
know when to retreat
know when to only
be seen

seen
seen girl
not heard
find the balance trapped
within the pink
the world expects you to be seen
swizzle sticks and cinnamon hearts
arm candy dress up the pink
you are a bloom-rose candy store that is always open
everything has a price but why pay
when it’s just pink for the taking?
show us the pink
body parts enhanced by slashes of color
not too bold but beautiful
always tasteful to be seen
full lips to spill
carmine kisses
blooming with promise
promises fulfilled on both knees
what pink wants doesn’t matter
when it comes to blue
soft pink skin slick sneaky peak
show some of that wet flesh
flush flash some of that pink
be seen girl
when being born pink
should have come screaming with a warning
caution tape wrapped tight
sealing up flushed flesh flashing pink
what’s wrong girl?
be warm

warm
warm girl
be pink pearl nail polish
strawberry lip gloss leave kisses
warm breath in all the right places
make blue melt in ways
that won’t mix with your pink
warm mouths can work magic
bubble-gum tongue lick ****
strawberry ice cream cones dripping
pink sugar running down sun-burned arms
fuchsia cloth triangles held only tight enough
to cover the pinkest places
laughter filled with light
smoky mauve curls let warm wash
soft edges over hard
but even when surrounded by roses
blue has sharper thorns
bleed
bleed warm girl
bleed crimson-tinted tear drops
with only a hint of salt
sugar and spice but mostly sugar
they will bottle it up to sell as a gift
this marrow-tinted hydrosol distilled
down to it’s purest form
liquid pink scented water stolen
more precious than perfume pressed by monks
deep within spanish caves
the monks at least have compassion
at least they ask the roses for their bodies and blood
blue just takes
they don’t call it “royal blue” for nothing
cobalt fists rain relentless
ribboned words and cloud-wrapped capes
are no match for their fury
be small

small
small girl
you are so fragile
from the moment you enter this world
swaddled in it’s a girl
swaddled in everything but blue
don’t want to be mistaken as a boy
not even right out of the womb
pink brings warmth and comfort
blue is a cool color
it bleeds lost gentleness from first breath
pink is never cool
be small even as you grow
fold into yourself to shift shape
break bones to leak out
soft marrow bubble words meant to appease
“yes” is always your best bet
when it comes to blue
blue can’t hear “no” coming from
a pink mouth
the frequency too high
vocal vibrations far out of blue’s hearing
those spoken syllables mean nothing coming from a mouth
good for only one thing
stay small
keep it tight and trim
just because you are a candy story
strawberry daiquiri lollipop curves
doesn’t mean you have to eat
like you live in one
keep it cherry girl
petite pufflette gummy bites
just waiting to be devoured
by hungry blue mouths
sweet little nothings
a paradise punch buffet
where pink is the only dish served
climb into the box
blue lays before you
squeeze yourself into that molded cage
it doesn’t matter how badly it hurts
it doesn’t matter that everything pink in you is screaming
for release
it doesn’t matter that you’re screaming at all

after all
you were just
born pink

i still smoke the same cigarettes --
camel menthol silvers

they make my hands smell like the inside of your mouth tasted.

i am still trying to breathe you in after all these years.
what the **** is wrong with me?

i lined my eyes
in black
today

it was the last thing that i did

i told my daughter
that i wasn’t going to cry

“cover girls don’t cry
after their face is made”

maybelline
was my armor
those black lines
my lines battle lines
drawn in the sand

i could look at myself in the mirror
only after i knew what i would see
looking back

the jagged shapes
devil’s geometry
that has made up my reflection
suddenly rounded
slid into “real” life
black lines said it was okay to look
i was safe from my own shrapnel

i know that girl
the face is made

you go into your jungle
with your camouflage
i don’t question whether or not
you know which hues of earth
desert sand silt mud moss
to use as your invisibility cloak

don’t question my choices of medium
black lines made to enhance
what they all want to see
made to hide in plain sight
everything none of them deserve

i have my own jungles
my paint just looks different than yours

this is the first time i have looked
myself in the eyes
in over three months

my lines are so flawless
practiced and perfected
even i get distracted
by contrast and shape
a glitter misread
by the lie

i haven’t worn this mask in a while
i found it still fits like an old glove

i know what my eyes can do
slant to seek
quick wink one corner
mouth slightly upturned
in a hint

i move men with only a glance
watch me bring you to your knees

its the same old game
i don’t want to play anymore

but i lined my eyes in black tonight
i put on this mask
“after their face is made”
so i play anyway
i’m not here to make friends
i’m not here to play nice anymore

i just want to taste the way you bleed

i haven’t been touched
by another’s hand
in over a month
my nerves are raw; screaming
i can only scratch my own itch
for so long

life rule #13:
AA batteries are no subsitute
for whips, chains and hard flesh

i put on my
****-me eyes to play
the game again

i knew what i was doing

it shouldn’t be this easy still
15 years past the time
i could move men with my eyes

just call me the pied piper

so easy to slip inside
this mask still fits like a second skin
molten flames lick through my veins

i have some **** bad intentions

my advantage is
i’m going into the first hand
without holding my heart

you might as well just fold right away

beautiful boys have always been
a weakness - i still have the upper hand
though your pooled eyes try to tell me otherwise

you were mine before you even knew i was there

you lean close - whisper in my ear
i let you feel my heat
i don’t have time for conversation

i’m looking for my **** of the night

pull away to pull you in
i lean close - whisper in your ear
“is there an alley out back?”


“because i’m going to ******* against that brick wall”

i hate the feeling
electricity zapping
panic rising up

elephant sitting
when you have to breathe to live
but breathing kills you

frantic brightness fills
my eyes become not my own
this rollercoaster

the ride is rising
imminent crescendo comes
makes my brain explode

frantic morphs into
the manic part takes over
breath is optional

heart racing pumps blood
this is my brain not on drugs
**** this high on life

is this how he felt?
fragmented thoughts shooting pain
in constant motion

he was bi-polar
only 26-years-old
manic made him shoot

powder burns gaping
bullet isn’t only a word
it’s self-inflicted

is this how he felt?
ghosts collide with memories
make sense make sense again

is this how he felt?
i can’t get out of my head
south polar-trapped north

reality shifts
welcome to my Upside-Down
make this go away

perspective shifted
shattered doesn’t begin to
put name to sorrow

i miss him so much
every breath i take is laced
knowledge of absence

i welcome the pain
i feel him trapped inside me
can i do this life?

my world has shattered
i will never be the same
**** this time and place

melt into the sun, the infinite glow and breathe
penetrate: filter the soul’s contours
and grasp
closely
all that is holy and that which believes it is

dance in the infamy of a thousand giggles, a thousand *******
caress slowly and hold close the eyes of a lover
and surrender to your greatest fears
betray the demons, dance with butterflies

find the place inside where hidden lies
desire and indulge in chocolate covered kisses

sing songs of peppermint songs of rubberband questions
why is she smiling and fall breathless
making love to life to god
to all that is holy within;

pray

surrender guilt into cotton candy, skeletons and
sink into mint cookies, ******* moments
palm trees sunflowers and dante’s inferno
the hell of a thousand lies and conquer the night

worship stars swirls rocky road ice cream smile
twirl up up down in laugh breathe sing holy holy holy
pray surrender demons and questions

surrender

give into ginsburg captured on that last day that last morning\
desert songs cholla and speak their names to the sky
the night chris nate take back your stars
perched granite sacred rainbows and forgive
fill love into crevices bend shape hold

breathe

breathe a thousand roses splashed into the sky
swallow grains granules lick and ingest strength
heal heal conquer and give
trust the skeletons trust the fall trust the touch
of a donut-flavored tongue and whisper i love
to hear your laugh words small words
big words words of accusation words of love
words words words

loose yourself fall into another and let your universe
turn upside down shake time
mock lies delve into the abyss

embrace falling stars fallen souls fall slowly
sink into strawberries sticky with ***
lawnchairs and graveyards

find beauty in everything in every vaginal opening
and give life yourself and seashells
to that last morning

surrender to the soul’s embrace melt away
the flesh of yesterday and rebuild forests

find forever in teardrops lovers in strangers
the matrix of the possessed centaur and wrap icy fingers
melt fire and give into yourself

pray

pray to the moonlight earthworms dasies
pray prayers of solace prayers of death
of intangible misgivings and of all things holy

and melt
fall away
rebuild
caress
B-R-E-A-T-H-E…