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Dec 2018 · 126
see me
Rayven Rae Dec 2018
i know i’m a ******* crazy house
filled with trick mirrors and jagged edges
i know i plant land mines
within my walls
shrapnel in waiting
for the next unsuspecting soul
trying to set foot within my world
i know i have built a labyrinth
throughout my whole body
a place where only
the keeper of my boxes dares to enter

i know i hide myself away
trap everything i love about myself
inside boxes locked within boxes
locked within more and more boxes
six-sided steel cages
mimicking russian nesting dolls
everything precious to me broken down
to its basest form
stacked away in opposite corners
because pieces of who and what i love
shouldn’t make me bleed

but they do

this room hidden deep inside my rib cage
comes wrapped screaming in caution tape
just as i do
nobody seems to heed my warnings
i know what i am
i know i will make you bleed

i can’t breathe trapped inside my mind
every breath i draw suffocates me a little more
i am dying in this life
nobody sees my slow death by circumstance

nobody sees how i am bleeding
i stand in pristine snow and wonder
how it remains crystalline
crimson should surround the place where i stand
my footsteps should be stained in red

there is an athame shoved deep beneath my sternum
it’s sharp blade slowly whittles away
pieces of what is left of my heart
the pain is so consuming
it doubles me over when i am least expecting it
brings me to my knees in surrender
i am bleeding out inside
dying a slow death
caused by loss of everything that i have loved
nobody sees

i am surrounded by those
who are suppose to love me best
i know they do
but they don’t know me
nobody does
shared dna doesn’t mean ****
when i know how to play the game best
masks and words are my weapons
i have hidden myself away far too well
i have only myself to blame

i wonder how i am still standing
people tell me all about the strength they think i carry within
commend me on my perseverance
i want to punch them in the face
tear their ******* tongues from their lying mouths
i am a conundrum walking among the mundane

nobody knows what i am
nobody knows what i am capable of
i am bigger than any natural disaster
i am more terrifying than any chupacabra
i will eat you alive
snack on ventricles for sport
and walk away laughing
wiping your blood from my lips
nobody knows

i have become my own worst enemy
i hurt the ones i love most because i love them so much
my love for them kills me
leaves them suffering
me consumed with guilt
i want to scream my truths from a rooftop
want to disperse the burden of being me
onto the unsuspecting
release my burdens of guilt
relieve the suffering
yet i remain silent
carry this consuming pain within my small frame
alone
always ******* alone
nobody knows
Sep 2018 · 519
nate tollefson
Rayven Rae Sep 2018
i’ve been told
that time heals all wounds
i have found that little nugget of wisdom
to be complete
*******

time is cement
turning things you wish weren’t true
into concrete

time is scarring
wounds scabbed over
ready to be torn open repeatedly
at the slightest
remembering

time is an *******
20 years later
walking through hallways i had hoped never to see again
to look up and see a face
i had hoped never to see again
a face i still see in my nightmares
a face
his face
your face
i name you
nate tollefson



i had traveled 18 times
around the sun
when you shattered my night
the dark took on a new meaning
for me after you

locked door friends pounded on
yells ignored
the fact that i was unconscious
ignored
me ignored
you saw me as an easy target
what you did to me that night
fundamentally changed the way
i let my lovers touch me
to this day
i can’t sleep in clothes
fight or flight can’t be tangled up
when danger arises
i can still feel your weight on top of me
when i wake up screaming
soundlessly
nightmares you handed to me on a silver platter

i kept silent about you
rumors flew after the party
everyone wanted to know what had happened
had we hooked up?
i would just close my mouth and shake my head
afraid of the words that would tumble out
trying to name an act
i couldn’t have stopped
an act i didn’t want

i had been a ****** that night
i wasn’t after you left that room
i bled for 3 days after
torn and hurting
suffered in silence amid the swirling gossip
whispers behind hands into eager ears
until something more interesting
than you and me
a locked door at a party
bloodied calvin klein underwear
grabbed their attention away
they may had forgotten quickly
i still haven’t

after all, you were a star
football and wrestling built your pedestal
a warrior decorated in red and gold
walking like a god among men
why would you need to ****?
yet you did
**** me

i had to look at your face every day
for the next 2 1/2 months
only once after the fact
did you even acknowledge my presence
i was nothing but a number to you



i am now 39 years old
life has led me far from you
yet the stain of you has remained
you handed me a life sentence that night
one you will never know
yet you handed yourself one as well

no matter how successful you are
no matter how much money you make
no matter how beautiful your wife is
no matter how charming your children
no matter how perfect your white picket fence

you will always be
a destroyer of night
a stainer of souls
a robber of trust
a murderer of innocence
a ****** of bodies and hearts
a ******
you
nate tollefson
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
oxymoron
Rayven Rae Sep 2018
i am an oxymoron

i can’t breathe in this life
that i’m living
but i still smoke cigarettes
they are the only thing that brings something
barely mimicking calm
to my body

i am an oxymoron

i am exhausted but i can’t sleep
for pain and nightmares
are my constant companions in the dark
i stare at the stars
drawing my own constellations within their brightness
finding shapes and solace
among the old light

i am an oxymoron

i have been whittled down to nothing more
than lean muscle and bone
still i can’t eat
food isn’t tolerated by my body
i eat words for breakfast instead
and spit them back up
roped together in patterns
that are my own sustaining

i am an oxymoron

i am bursting with words
but what i say and what others hear
are nowhere near the same thing
i am a ghost walking among the living
misunderstood and set aside
no one understands my verbal gifts offered up
so i shut my mouth and instead
swallow down everything i am

i am an oxymoron

i have passed from the world in which i belong
into a world where everything looks real
but nothing is as it seems
alice lost without her wonderland
i am alone among the masses
i have become the mad hatter

i am an oxymoron
Aug 2018 · 120
forged
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i have watched myself get fat
over a broken heart
my daughter told me it was okay
round is a shape
my squishy made me the best cuddler ever

i have watched myself grow lean
over a broken heart
all excess shaved away
i can fit into a pair of jeans
and still turn heads
just enough left in all the right places

i wear a ring on my wedding finger
not as a promise to another but myself
it was given to me by my sister
simple silver with one word on it
“believe”
i’m not sure that i do anymore

i have hidden a word inside that band of silver
“believe” may be our family word
it isn’t mine anymore
hidden behind a word balanced on hope
is my chosen word
balanced on reality

i am a secret walking out in plain sight
the word “forged” now balances out
that ring of silver
i am too old to believe in fairy tales anymore
i have taken all that makes them “believe”
turned it into black metal in my bones

i am becoming something they don’t want to see
smelted iron burns fire in my eyes
i vibrate at a frequency that they can’t recognize
i have been chiseled down to only what is essential
excess has no place in my life
it has become me separate from them

i am not polished or neat anymore
fire scale has reworked muscle into iron
layers of oxides left after the burning
i can see the reshaping of my skeleton
ashes covering hard angles and planes
this is my drawing down

i am proud of my hardness
i run my hands over new territory
familiar landmarks made fresh under sooty skin
nobody recognizes my rebirth by fire
i don’t need them to see me in my new skin
but that doesn’t stop me from wishing that they would
Aug 2018 · 116
indebted
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
*******
i scream inside my head
*******
for not being what i needed you to be.
*******
for not loving me the way that i love you.
*******
for not needing me,
for not finding those places in me
that i was offering to you.
*******
for leaving me alone again,
for giving me nothing but memories.
*******
for the broken promises.
*******
for not trying.
*******
for giving up on me,
on us.
*******
for not caring enough to try,
for taking me for granted.
*******
for making me bleed.
*******
for seeing me bleed.
*******
for leaving,
for walking away,
for being on that list.
*******
for letting me love you,
for letting me give up everything for you.
*******
for giving up nothing.
*******
for leading me on.
*******
for taking me,
for not wanting what you asked for.
*******
for letting me love you.
Aug 2018 · 177
31 names for line
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
we are made / breath and bone / heart-sinew-muscle / bound together / divided by / the thirty-one names / for line

not all syllables / are beautiful / ordained / not when what it comes down to / is desire

a band / stippled by tongue / braille spoken / melting / how i want to burn holes into your skin / with my mouth

in profile; lineation / longing to taste you / wet mouth against / hard skin

what is the fuel of desire?

small touch / from silhouette to smile / innocuous; not innocent / reaching furrow to groove / as if time and space / were ending

with edge / nails raking creases / angry red welts / lineament / delineation outlined / lust with a sensation / drawing on that / which has been ignited

magnetic; electric / figurations of these abstract currents / contoured by a liquid look /  first glance / underlined with promise / your name / safe in my mouth

i stop breathing when you smile

so much time spent / in a shared space / desiring that which is denied us / borderline days laid with fire / as long as nothing has happened between us / boundaries walked on tip-toes / our memories are cursed / with what has not been

the wait will be fun but it will not be easy

in our fall there is gravity and grace / that lust and rage / should dance in attendance / we become stardust / streaks without limit score moonbeams / this is the first time that Vega / the fifth brightest star in the sky / has been jealous

those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained

celestial configurations / are no match / for the molten fire / your heated fingertips / dash across  my velum canvas / wrinkles tracing peak to bar / you stripe my skin in red / not in punishment / but lust / demarcations cease to exist / we are undiscovered frontiers / your rule to my figure / scratch your history into my bones

i want to taste you again, like a secret or a sin
Aug 2018 · 105
conundrum
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
how do i fight a war
armed only with words
when everyone else
is carrying steel?
Aug 2018 · 5.2k
born pink
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
(what blue tells “it’s a girl”)
(part 1)

emerging into the world under the banner
“it’s a girl!”
comes wrapped in nothing but pink
expectations

born pink
helium-filled mylar screams
branding new life from first breath
softness bubble-gum wrapped
cotton candy kissed
baby girl be soft

soft
soft pink
powder-puffed bunnies hide
power-puffed intentions that scream
pink for the taking
precious commodity
but only so long as the soft pink remains
intact
soft pink words rounded
nothing sharp for a baby born
without the blue
pink words saccharine-infused with sweetness
to be planted deep within
tiny bones to replace marrow
marrow meant to sustain a life
but pink
soft pink marrow
makes for a prettier picture
nobody likes a girl that’s jagged when you touch her
it’s a mortal sin to make a man bleed
red is not pink
be gentle


gentle
gentle girl
sit pretty sit silent
swallow down your voice
only open your mouth to make
pink butterflies cascade beauty
spit out only ribboned wings
floating rose-colored feathers
bubble-words all dull edges and placations
make sure those feathers land on the deserving
the deserving being those
born blue
fill the blue with your blush tones
enough to inflate egos
but not enough to touch the cyan
too much pink and blue runs
too much pink and blue changes
into a lilac sunset
blue needs to stay hard
reign in your pink
know when to retreat
know when to only
be seen

seen
seen girl
not heard
find the balance trapped
within the pink
the world expects you to be seen
swizzle sticks and cinnamon hearts
arm candy dress up the pink
you are a bloom-rose candy store that is always open
everything has a price but why pay
when it’s just pink for the taking?
show us the pink
body parts enhanced by slashes of color
not too bold but beautiful
always tasteful to be seen
full lips to spill
carmine kisses
blooming with promise
promises fulfilled on both knees
what pink wants doesn’t matter
when it comes to blue
soft pink skin slick sneaky peak
show some of that wet flesh
flush flash some of that pink
be seen girl
when being born pink
should have come screaming with a warning
caution tape wrapped tight
sealing up flushed flesh flashing pink
what’s wrong girl?
be warm

warm
warm girl
be pink pearl nail polish
strawberry lip gloss leave kisses
warm breath in all the right places
make blue melt in ways
that won’t mix with your pink
warm mouths can work magic
bubble-gum tongue lick ****
strawberry ice cream cones dripping
pink sugar running down sun-burned arms
fuchsia cloth triangles held only tight enough
to cover the pinkest places
laughter filled with light
smoky mauve curls let warm wash
soft edges over hard
but even when surrounded by roses
blue has sharper thorns
bleed
bleed warm girl
bleed crimson-tinted tear drops
with only a hint of salt
sugar and spice but mostly sugar
they will bottle it up to sell as a gift
this marrow-tinted hydrosol distilled
down to it’s purest form
liquid pink scented water stolen
more precious than perfume pressed by monks
deep within spanish caves
the monks at least have compassion
at least they ask the roses for their bodies and blood
blue just takes
they don’t call it “royal blue” for nothing
cobalt fists rain relentless
ribboned words and cloud-wrapped capes
are no match for their fury
be small

small
small girl
you are so fragile
from the moment you enter this world
swaddled in it’s a girl
swaddled in everything but blue
don’t want to be mistaken as a boy
not even right out of the womb
pink brings warmth and comfort
blue is a cool color
it bleeds lost gentleness from first breath
pink is never cool
be small even as you grow
fold into yourself to shift shape
break bones to leak out
soft marrow bubble words meant to appease
“yes” is always your best bet
when it comes to blue
blue can’t hear “no” coming from
a pink mouth
the frequency too high
vocal vibrations far out of blue’s hearing
those spoken syllables mean nothing coming from a mouth
good for only one thing
stay small
keep it tight and trim
just because you are a candy story
strawberry daiquiri lollipop curves
doesn’t mean you have to eat
like you live in one
keep it cherry girl
petite pufflette gummy bites
just waiting to be devoured
by hungry blue mouths
sweet little nothings
a paradise punch buffet
where pink is the only dish served
climb into the box
blue lays before you
squeeze yourself into that molded cage
it doesn’t matter how badly it hurts
it doesn’t matter that everything pink in you is screaming
for release
it doesn’t matter that you’re screaming at all

after all
you were just
born pink
This is the first piece on a series that I'm working on called "The Pink Chronicles".  More to come....hope you enjoy or at least, it makes you think.
Aug 2018 · 114
ashes
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i still smoke the same cigarettes --
camel menthol silvers

they make my hands smell like the inside of your mouth tasted.

i am still trying to breathe you in after all these years.
what the **** is wrong with me?
Aug 2018 · 99
(8/3/18)
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i lined my eyes
in black
today

it was the last thing that i did

i told my daughter
that i wasn’t going to cry

“cover girls don’t cry
after their face is made”

maybelline
was my armor
those black lines
my lines battle lines
drawn in the sand

i could look at myself in the mirror
only after i knew what i would see
looking back

the jagged shapes
devil’s geometry
that has made up my reflection
suddenly rounded
slid into “real” life
black lines said it was okay to look
i was safe from my own shrapnel

i know that girl
the face is made

you go into your jungle
with your camouflage
i don’t question whether or not
you know which hues of earth
desert sand silt mud moss
to use as your invisibility cloak

don’t question my choices of medium
black lines made to enhance
what they all want to see
made to hide in plain sight
everything none of them deserve

i have my own jungles
my paint just looks different than yours

this is the first time i have looked
myself in the eyes
in over three months

my lines are so flawless
practiced and perfected
even i get distracted
by contrast and shape
a glitter misread
by the lie

i haven’t worn this mask in a while
i found it still fits like an old glove

i know what my eyes can do
slant to seek
quick wink one corner
mouth slightly upturned
in a hint

i move men with only a glance
watch me bring you to your knees

its the same old game
i don’t want to play anymore

but i lined my eyes in black tonight
i put on this mask
“after their face is made”
so i play anyway
i’m not here to make friends
i’m not here to play nice anymore

i just want to taste the way you bleed
Aug 2018 · 87
life rule #13
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i haven’t been touched
by another’s hand
in over a month
my nerves are raw; screaming
i can only scratch my own itch
for so long

life rule #13:
AA batteries are no subsitute
for whips, chains and hard flesh
Aug 2018 · 224
abrasions
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i put on my
****-me eyes to play
the game again

i knew what i was doing

it shouldn’t be this easy still
15 years past the time
i could move men with my eyes

just call me the pied piper

so easy to slip inside
this mask still fits like a second skin
molten flames lick through my veins

i have some **** bad intentions

my advantage is
i’m going into the first hand
without holding my heart

you might as well just fold right away

beautiful boys have always been
a weakness - i still have the upper hand
though your pooled eyes try to tell me otherwise

you were mine before you even knew i was there

you lean close - whisper in my ear
i let you feel my heat
i don’t have time for conversation

i’m looking for my **** of the night

pull away to pull you in
i lean close - whisper in your ear
“is there an alley out back?”


“because i’m going to ******* against that brick wall”
Aug 2018 · 4.2k
manic
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i hate the feeling
electricity zapping
panic rising up

elephant sitting
when you have to breathe to live
but breathing kills you

frantic brightness fills
my eyes become not my own
this rollercoaster

the ride is rising
imminent crescendo comes
makes my brain explode

frantic morphs into
the manic part takes over
breath is optional

heart racing pumps blood
this is my brain not on drugs
**** this high on life

is this how he felt?
fragmented thoughts shooting pain
in constant motion

he was bi-polar
only 26-years-old
manic made him shoot

powder burns gaping
bullet isn’t only a word
it’s self-inflicted

is this how he felt?
ghosts collide with memories
make sense make sense again

is this how he felt?
i can’t get out of my head
south polar-trapped north

reality shifts
welcome to my Upside-Down
make this go away

perspective shifted
shattered doesn’t begin to
put name to sorrow

i miss him so much
every breath i take is laced
knowledge of absence

i welcome the pain
i feel him trapped inside me
can i do this life?

my world has shattered
i will never be the same
**** this time and place
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
melt into the sun, the infinite glow and breathe
penetrate: filter the soul’s contours
and grasp
closely
all that is holy and that which believes it is

dance in the infamy of a thousand giggles, a thousand *******
caress slowly and hold close the eyes of a lover
and surrender to your greatest fears
betray the demons, dance with butterflies

find the place inside where hidden lies
desire and indulge in chocolate covered kisses

sing songs of peppermint songs of rubberband questions
why is she smiling and fall breathless
making love to life to god
to all that is holy within;

pray

surrender guilt into cotton candy, skeletons and
sink into mint cookies, ******* moments
palm trees sunflowers and dante’s inferno
the hell of a thousand lies and conquer the night

worship stars swirls rocky road ice cream smile
twirl up up down in laugh breathe sing holy holy holy
pray surrender demons and questions

surrender

give into ginsburg captured on that last day that last morning\
desert songs cholla and speak their names to the sky
the night chris nate take back your stars
perched granite sacred rainbows and forgive
fill love into crevices bend shape hold

breathe

breathe a thousand roses splashed into the sky
swallow grains granules lick and ingest strength
heal heal conquer and give
trust the skeletons trust the fall trust the touch
of a donut-flavored tongue and whisper i love
to hear your laugh words small words
big words words of accusation words of love
words words words

loose yourself fall into another and let your universe
turn upside down shake time
mock lies delve into the abyss

embrace falling stars fallen souls fall slowly
sink into strawberries sticky with ***
lawnchairs and graveyards

find beauty in everything in every vaginal opening
and give life yourself and seashells
to that last morning

surrender to the soul’s embrace melt away
the flesh of yesterday and rebuild forests

find forever in teardrops lovers in strangers
the matrix of the possessed centaur and wrap icy fingers
melt fire and give into yourself

pray

pray to the moonlight earthworms dasies
pray prayers of solace prayers of death
of intangible misgivings and of all things holy

and melt
fall away
rebuild
caress
B-R-E-A-T-H-E…
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
we sit

moon in transition
dancing off glassed ripples
filled with breath; bread

he pulls me to him

live in vulnerable nakedness;
cherry orchards spraying fire
into his sky

hold me tight; tighter

silence screams.  melodies.
unspoken words hang heavy
while demons dance within

can’t you see i’m looking for you?

close; closer
the mangos have fallen;
(consumed by the spring)
to rework our truth

we should just sleep together

night falls; darker in questions.
silence laps an metaphorical shores
where together our bodies should lay

you should go before it’s too late

tears glisten, manifest.  the loss
of not knowing your skeletons
hanging from my trees

and i silently scream
wait for me;
it is not here
that you will find me.
but not here
i whisper
is better
than nowhere.
Aug 2018 · 66
haunting
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
someone once asked me
“how will i haunt you when
you’re in the arms of others?”
and i couldn’t reply
as his words were blazed
across the crimson landscape
of my soul
and now i hear those same whispers
coming from a place that
he could never touch
as he faded
into nothingness,
almost forgotten
except for a few words scribbled
into the backs of dead trees,
an occasional thought,
glance,
i can now answer him
and say,
“you won’t”
Aug 2018 · 62
desire
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
silent verse
an impossible darkness

silenced white horses


a heartbeat inconceivably there

in fallow ground

riddled with scars, memory.


asphyxia : rivers

knowing what lies across those distant shores

the current


that carries within it

a new voice

shadowed in promises
 


shadows of

deepened longing,
a hunger



that is not hunger but 

an echo; knowledge gained from

other echoes that
 


resound within

these walls that do not

refuse to contain
 


the violent

utterances, sharp points against

the details of
 


their bodies that carve

words into words,

aching with the residual
 


sounds of

a shared silence-

their bodies save
 


all that has been lost

to the tidal

pulls; a tangential force
 


that finds the center of

all that is sacred

all that hinges at the margin

desires caught between

breath and

a moment; ecstatic --
 


the desert air

bears witness to

our separateness and how
 


that chasm

and this surface

mend scars


to amend our

separate sins; faults which

no longer
 


exist in this time

and no longer

hold us how they use to
Aug 2018 · 97
fallen
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
the mango has
released its hold
made its descent
to soft ground below

but not so soft
to sustain its wholeness

multi-hued skin
split;
golden promise,
exsanguinated,
saturating what lies beneath

stripped bones puncture
what could have been
and what remains

is just that
Aug 2018 · 68
aftershocks
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
lying only works
if you believe
the words
yourself.

the absence of you,
negative space,
gaping;  looming;
voids your presence once filled.

where does fault lie?
in our separate assumptions?
desires shared for different reasons?
a phone call balanced on a precipice?

and if i write these words,
give them to you...
“you won’t”
“i don’t”
does it make them true?

or am i self-destructive,
knowing that,
as i hand them to you,
even i don’t believe them?

but will you?

anger in these words.
yes.
hurt?  absolutely.
and fear.

but truth?

truth is what we have been
what we are
what we are becoming.

but it is not these words.

and that makes me the liar.
Aug 2018 · 61
melting corners
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
your breathing,
motions in darkness
at the stillest hour
deepens me,
then suffocates.

and i fall

into places where time
stretches for infinity,
touches down at never
then desperately grasps
for always.

i close my eyes,
lying somewhere in-between
where all my absolutes
suddenly become uncertainties.

the edges are blurred
as darkness dissolves corners,
melts them in their blessed finitude
of inked desert nights
and ribboned highways.

but highways end as well,
not in great thunders
but quiet trickles,
whispers
of beds we’ve shared
in that haze between
reality; dreams.

after hours of coltrane
on nights of laughter,
nights of tears,
nights of endless *******
and surrender

where whispers dance in fantasy
fading into a reality
of one truth,
your truth,
ours,
arms and lips,
searching hands and sweat-soaked bodies,
wandering eyes,
dripping words.

and the scent of our balancing flesh is my only salvation.
Aug 2018 · 152
a flaw in my code
Rayven Rae Aug 2018
i’m hard in all the ways
the world tells me
a girl should be soft
and soft in all the ways
that don’t matter to anyone else

i am not made for this world
Jul 2018 · 460
life rule #24
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
my kids sometimes ask me
about my life rule book
like i’m Gibbs
everything can be solved
by some witty yet insightful
quip
followed by a loving slap
upside the back of the head

my life rules
are more like a *****-slap
to the face
i don’t pull punches anymore
my fists don’t remember feathers
but force

needless to say
the version i share with my kids
is bubble-wrapped
by the desire to protect
so i spill saccharine-seasoned words
with only a bit of acid
because truth is still truth

this world is not a safe place for placating anymore
i won’t insult by even trying

rule #24:
boys will break your body
girls will break your heart

ro-sham-bo
paper covers rock
rock crushes scissors
scissors cut paper
some things just are
Jul 2018 · 91
(7/29/18) & (7/30/18)
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
(7/29/18)

i owe you a poem
churning clouds
head back feet pushing
not able to wait
to feel nothing
but air and flames
beneath...

(7/30/18)

one day later i still owe you a poem
and you keep reminding me
with flashes of crimson and fire
feet pushing off flames mocking
their leaping tongues
the promise of searing pain
bright red berries high up
out of my reach
but i know your fingertips
have blessed them
giving them promise and permission

i hope one day
you will flash close enough to me
in all your brilliance
touch me the way
you have those berries
you are more scorching than any flames
from any source could ever be
the flames fear your heat
cower at your ascending

polar opposite
of how i feel
i crave your flames
complete consumption
the burning away
pain is just that
i need it bone deep
please forge my marrow
take away any softness that I have left hiding in me
it has been left in me to offer up to you
my choicest parts
complete submission is actually
complete control masked
at a mardi gras where we are the only two there
and beads are only
optional
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
forged on both knees
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
chapter one;

“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line...”

i was yours
the first time your fingers
burned lust
against my neck

lunch time lunch break
45 minutes stretched
to find the beats
within the beats

“Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line.”

you grabbed my hand
hurried feet across hot pavement
a sudden coolness
my back
brown sun kissed skin bare
against rigid metal
pressure
suffused with a smoldering
you ignited
in places i didn’t know
lighting matches in me
just to swallow up the flames

“You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line.”

your hands
(how i came to love
the way just the anticipation
of their pressure
the sight of
fingertips dancing across a countertop
would make me wet)
slid slow almost slick parallel against my chest
crept slowly
upwards delicious slow race
breathing becomes optional
then forgotten
your fingertips are magnets
push back expose sweet surrender
salt kissed sugar spice
all spice

“I am not ashamed anymore
I want something so impure
You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor
Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin
Begging you to take me
Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing, but she play to win, heaven gonna hate me.”

they say opposites attract
north seeks south
that is normal

this is not normal

we are heat seeking missiles
homing in one on the other
burning beyond brightness
when love sometimes feels like a fist around your throat
you command me to open my eyes
to look at you
into you
your eyes stay blazing
i am blind i can’t blink
i have never seen
more clearly
we are all stardust
mysteries inferno
your mouth tastes
i want to be the ashes in your mouth
you build my church of scars
you give me permission to be
you give me permission to
you give me permission
you give me
you give
you

fingers meeting my throat
for the first time
feels like home
our stardust becomes shrapnel
shrapnel draws first blood
i taste it on your lips
iron salt desire ***
my teeth your lust
your eyes smolder grey
so much heat
all hardness and promise
permission granted before
the question is even asked
your eyes
my eyes
close
first

round one
you win.
**This poem is a work-in-progress as it is one of many active books my life is writing for me right now.  This is just chapter one.  I would love feedback, suggestions, criticisms, etc.  You don't have to be gentle....I don't break easy.  If you're anything be honest...

**The song references that are in quotations are lines borrowed from Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line" and Halsey's "Not Afraid Anymore".
Jul 2018 · 98
breaking faith
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
i wear your betrayal
like a cloak.
invisible.  shrouded.
dark weight
settled on my shoulders

my heart once whispered your name with every beat
a “lub” for you
a “bump” for me

lub bump lub bump lubbump lubump...

now, no more.

my insides struggle
to adjust
to this new flow,
rhythm,
beats missed;  chaos.

where once everything made sense

your absence
has torn through me,
shredding delicate tissues
cutting marrow deep

i carried you within me
in ways you never knew.
tending to grace,
this garden,
alive;  filled with future.

and we were spring

promises made,
fragile roots searching for placement,
seeking sustenance; home.

i would have pillowed your head
on beds of calla lillies.
covered you in the velvet
of rose petals
sprinkled with sunflowers
so you would only see
beautiful things.

i would have held up to you
crystal lakes;
freckled, pebbled bottoms,
your reflection mirrored back
in beauty
so you could see
yourself
through my eyes.

i would have carried you
when your wings
grew weary.
tore feathers from my shoulder blades,
time and again,
so you could rise up
impervious to the ashes
at your feet.
a phoenix, ascending.

i would have stood beside you; always
gave you my words
when your voice grew silent.
opened myself up;
carrying you deep with me.

i would have given you my ribcage
splayed open,
to wear as armor.
settled you deep within;  protected
by the staccato tattoo
of my heart.

i would have been your fortress
fortified by my love,
a safe place
where you could lay down
all your burdens
at my feet
and step,
unabated,
into the sanctuary
my arms would have given you.

i would have written you
a love poem; endless
touching all the softest places
within you.

i would have used every finger.

i could go on forever,
this list of
“i would have’s’...
now chokes me up,
lumped deep in my throat.

my breath struggles against
its mass;
caved in, shoved down.
my words like butterflies
soft beating of frantic wings.

these wings will **** me
i know
Jul 2018 · 96
(7/27/18)
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
i’ve come to realize
that i can’t look myself in the face anymore
not just square but sideways and octagonally
and every other way there is
i can’t make myself do it
i think it’s my eyes
it’s always the eyes
at least that’s what they say
my eyes scare me
what glitters just below the surface
not a sweet glitter
or shimmer
someone’s version of what girls should be
but something sharp
jagged and warning isn’t a strong enough word
for what my eyes would say to me
if i was able to meet them
so i don’t because i can’t stand to shatter right now
i don’t have a heart
or so i’ve been told but that heart
that isn’t there is still breaking
not breaking for you or you or you
because for you implies promise
it hints at a beauty in the brokenness
something that can be gathered together
nothing a little duct tape super glue
and another man
can’t fix and mold
make their own but i’m too sharp even for them
i realize that i leave a wake of simple hearts in pieces
when i leave
my rearview mirror is always crowded with their ghosts
and i’m always leaving
even when my body hasn’t moved
i don’t want vanilla
or picket fences or 401k’s
some people wear their hearts on their sleeves
or keep them in their back pockets
somewhere they think it’s safe but still handy
easy to pull out and present
but i don’t want your heart
i eat ventricles for sport these days
instead
i keep my brokenness secret
you can’t shatter if you don’t have a heart
but make sure to avert your eyes
from my left boot strap
because you’ll see the beat and you’ll taste vanilla
right before my left boot
drops you to your knees
leaves you in a brokenness
that is broken for you
and you and you and you
don’t worry darlin’
it’s only temporary soon another
will come along to gather your
broken for you
super glue duct tape
make mold and strapped
but your jagged scar left by my carelessness
will never quite heal
you may even call it proud flesh
for a while
but when does proud flesh tire of its pride
and when it does
you’ll still taste vanilla
and i’ll still taste ventricles
so i avert my eyes
bend the angles to planes to numbers i don’t understand
anything to make my brain distracted
from the fact that i can’t even look
myself
in
my
eyes
they scare me too much
Jul 2018 · 643
the honest hour
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
“c’mon...it’ll be fun!  it’ll be all about you!”
“it’s not all about me.”
“ok.  it’ll be all about us...”


if i’m being
perfectly honest
with myself
i want....

you.

not just the lust-
heated violence; controlled
utter chaos

salt slick sweat skin
pushing;  taking.

your hands;
fingertips made to bruise.
i lay my throat bare to them.

jugular exposed,
hot salt rushing below velum-thin skin;
begging
for your fist.

your ****** words strip me to my bones
bring lava from my core.
you put me to my knees
willing subjugation
the sound of flesh meeting flesh
consumes

the only time i can get out of my head
is when i’m ******* you

“baby.  don’t worry,” you say to me,
your fingers find purchase,
“breathing is only an option.”

what we do in the dark sustains me
Jul 2018 · 68
(7/26/18)
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
i saw you today
only for a moment
not quite a second but that breath
caught in between
like my breath lodged in my ribcage
when all i saw was a streak of auburn
nothing more
and i was paralyzed
just as i am now
as the thought of you has shoved a cement fist
deep into my chest cavity
and i have no words
nothing to put to paper
that can say what i don’t know i feel
i feel you and i don’t know who you are
or why me in the barn
when i glanced up through the sunbeams catching on spiderwebs
the flash of you eclipsed all other light
i don’t know who you are
young and lithe dancing
i don’t know how i know this but i do
and why me
i was only looking for barn cats
i wanted to make secret friends with them
to have something here in this place
that was mine
a secret even so small to hold
gathering a space where i can be myself
and you
not a horse or mule in the field
i checked behind the window
and it wouldn’t have mattered
because neither of their browns came close
to the fire that is you
and i don’t know who you are
i was looking for a secret
i saw you today
Rayven Rae Jul 2018
she comes to me,
open, wanting.

baby...please...

she sighs.
these two words,
more than the sum
of their syllables, distanced from strokes and lines;
beyond mere utterances; desire.

words whispered
in sacred prayer.
this offering up
of all that she is.

and i go to her

heed her calling,
for she is home to me.
every beat of my heart
echoes her name.

she is a promise, kept time and again.
whispers of salvation; this sacredness,
begging to be worshiped.

what have i done to deserve this grace?

there are no gods greater; her skin,
silk beneath my fingertips,
burns away my sins.

i bend my head at this alter.

her curves are highways
leading me forward.

i close my eyes in worship.

raise up thanks,
soul deep in her temple;
absolved.

she opens to me; sighs.
breath balanced on bread,
her holy sacrament
tastes on my tongue.

i inhale her incense,
the scent penetrating my hands,
as time stands still.

she is all i ever want to know,
nothing before, no one after.
i have found my deliverance within the contours of her mouth.

and i trace, in reverance,
line to form; memorizing
every inch offered to me.
she becomes imprinted
within my core.

i tremble at her trembling.

then
i shatter.

i want to offer up to her
something akin
to the gifts
she has bestowed on me.

i open my mouth but words have fled.

instead,
i lay upon her
calla lilies,
tumbled from my tongue.

ribcage opened;
in my most vulnerable state.
i lay exposed,
stripped naked of this skin i inhabit.
i am but muscle and sinew; tendons,
taut cover bone.

these four syllables; expelled breath
baby.....please....
strip away the excess,
leaving only noisy bones.

to her, i give all that i am.
hang hands high
in ancient trees,
the frame of my being,
surrounded by elysian fields.

— The End —