raðljóst: Poems

618 · Apr 2013

Untitled

raðljóst Apr 2013

Untitled

today's epiphany
was of my likeliness to become
a jack-of-all-trades
and a master of none

617 · Aug 2013

night-time:

raðljóst Aug 2013

night-time:

the feeling of freedom when walking on empty asphalt avenues
&
how the dew sets upon grass like stars glittering in the sky.

things that i love.

590 · Feb 2013

ash and ember

raðljóst Feb 2013

ash and ember

by the glow of the embers
my eyes watched
as our
love grew through
the concrete floors
of
our old home.

and i,
rising up from the ash,
sang aloud to you.

568 · Jan 2013

a bunch of really complicated and sometimes superflous images go through my head and i can't make them leave me alone when i want some rest, so i write vague poems about what i am feeling and today i felt the need to make a long title for a short poem

raðljóst Jan 2013

a bunch of really complicated and sometimes superflous images go through my head and i can't make them leave me alone when i want some rest, so i write vague poems about what i am feeling and today i felt the need to make a long title for a short poem

the memory
hides inside my skull
like sap sticking to
the palm-side of
my hands

and i ran out of space in the title textbox so i continue my rant-ness in the notes section here below the "more important" text. i am spinning around in a big room but it's not a very open room, it's got junk all over and i am not exactly graceful in my dancing feet - they're more like falling-over-feet - and i kind of waltz a bit and then sit down on a rotten chunk of wood that used to be a bench and i pick up one of those toys from my childhood with the colored plastic rings that stack up nicely, and i get sad because it's all gone and i can't get it back, and the only way to have anything like it is to have kids and then they will have that childhood, but i never will, because i used up the time and i am out of that period of life now, ticked it off the list, cut it right out of the itinerary, and now is a time for run-on sentences just like in grade seven and getting off topic just like always and a time for being sad about losing time and a time to say "to hell with time" but even if i did it would still be heard through the incessant clocks ticking our lives away and i would be sad even longer than i wanted to be.

562 · Sep 2013

please don't.

raðljóst Sep 2013

please don't.

make me

                  break me

       shake me

                      take me
shape me
                             scrape me
**** me
                 escape me
pluck me
                          **** me
       chuck me
                                    **** me
hit me
                   quit me
       split me
                       or    commit me

  please,

see me
             and
                     free me.

539 · Sep 2013

sorry - memory full.

raðljóst Sep 2013

sorry - memory full.

why is my memory finite?
i'm so sick of having to remove
old files of people and places
in my head to make space for
all this newer knowledge.

in just one day, i've forgot
the names of three people who
i recently spoke with. some of
my french has gone out the
window and i think that soon
i will lose it all.

i am envious of the person
who has a photographic
memory with limitless card
space. please, oh please,
let me upgrade.

can't remember a **** thing in french. i keep speaking icelandic words in the place of both french and english. i keep asking people, "who are you?" when i know that i should know their names.

524 · Aug 2013

mother earth.

raðljóst Aug 2013

mother earth.

fires raging through fields and forests alike

the colours of mother's faith

second growth sprouting, life out of ashes

the living proof of mother's love

waterfalls crashing down the face of the earth

the sound of mother's tears

leaves caught falling through the sky in autumn

the cast wishes of mother's children

sun rising in the east and setting in the west

*the proof of mother's devotion

for my own mother, melody, and for the earth we all tread so roughly on.

and now i realize that mother is a very odd looking word, after typing it so many times.

523 · Apr 2013

this dance.

raðljóst Apr 2013

this dance.

we are standing on a dark stage
beneath contours of chandeliers.
the piano's keys won't give way
to my tumbling, restless fears.
before, we broke the windows
and took out all the doors,
now I can barely lift my fingers
to intertwine with yours.
*and Jasper, I'll take this last dance,
beneath a shiny disco ball,
just promise that you'll catch me
if my shadow decides to fall.

this all happened and i am still wondering how it did.

516 · Jun 2015

break

raðljóst Jun 2015

break

my mouth is dry
and each tear you cry is a drop of water
to quench my thirst

i've never wished this on anyone before
never grinned at the sight of blood
never been pleased to see someone break

but i've been broken myself
and while my bones are whole and sturdy
you smashed my heart to pieces
that no one coud ever mend

#love #heartbreak #depression #anger #heart #hate #pain #sadness #loneliness #violence

515 · Aug 2013

august 15th nightmares, please let me sleep

raðljóst Aug 2013

august 15th nightmares, please let me sleep

when the world was ending, what did i do?
i called for my lover, for only love was true.

vancouver shattered glass into the atmosphere and we ducked and covered because that's what you're meant to do, as if hiding behind a couch would save you, and we waited for what seemed like too long, picoseconds, whatever they were, went by
or maybe one, to be precise
and we melted away our lives

i just thought you should know,
i love you,
i love you,
i love you,
i love you.

if i chose my last words, i'd let you know just one more time.

512 · Dec 2013

withdrawl

raðljóst Dec 2013

withdrawl

i'd rather succumb to sickness
and watch the thinning of my wrists
than feel the way i do
trying to get through
another day without you

i'll try my best to recover

508 · Jan 2013

regret-me-not

raðljóst Jan 2013

regret-me-not

ring
ring ring

     "hello?"

               pause

"i am calling to say
that you mother
has passed away,"

               pause

waiting in time

   where did it go?

stop time

go back

                 give her that hug when she dropped you off
              for your middle school dance

      hold her hand when she reached out to you
   in the car on the long drive home

      make your bed in the morning
             and wrap the bread

                        sing happy birthday
           when she asked you to
                because she didn't have a mother of her own

          don't pick all the flowers
       in her garden
          but sit with her in the baby blue sea of forget-me-nots

    this phone call

          this one-time realization

                 this nightmare that won't let up

                      didn't need to be so regretful

ten years later on

i went to her little patch of forest

planted forget-me-nots

and prayed that she would

regret-me-not.

497 · Apr 2013

today.

raðljóst Apr 2013

today.

remember the days like these
when life is good to you,
and when it puts up a fight
you can sing over the rage
and pretend all's well
until it caves
into acceptable behaviour.

speedpoetry, don't edit, just go!
tonight is weird.

496 · Mar 2013

envelop

raðljóst Mar 2013

envelop

I wish that I
                     could turn myself into love;

From head to finger-tip-toe
                                            and to each broken strand of golden hair.

I'd stretch myself outward until
                                                    love encompassed you.

i can't explain the feeling any better
yet

485 · Jan 2013

adventures in sleeping

raðljóst Jan 2013

adventures in sleeping

sometimes i think it's dangerous to sleep
after reading two hundred pages
of my favorite fantasy book

for when i started to wake this morning
i battled huge rodents
and tiny sheep

and the creatures that haunt my sleeping mind
are very hard to see when
i never want to look

i close my weary eyes and hold my breath
until the creatures flee and i kiss goodbye
the memories i don't keep

I don't know if I like sleeping or not. Lately I've had really horrible dreams where it's some huge plot to ****** me and know who the murderer will be and how they will do it but I can't convince any of my loved ones that it is going to happen, so I wait until the day and try to fend for myself. What's worse is that they're going to **** me, and then all of my family, so if I die I am the only one that knows what is going on, and no one will see it coming.
And tonight I dreamed about a wise mouse, some sheep, a call to adventure that made zero sense at the time, and something high above a cloud. It was very scary for some reason, though, and so when I stood up to get dressed after having my mother yell at me for some time to get ready, the memory of it was 95% gone and I was quite glad.

483 · Nov 2013

I could burn this house down.

raðljóst Nov 2013

I could burn this house down.

My
   mind
      feels
           like a fire
             that was started
                             by   chain-smoked    thoughts.

479 · Dec 2013

(i can't do this)

raðljóst Dec 2013

(i can't do this)

I’m having a hard time taking back my hand now that it’s moving towards yours and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that this simple movement is no longer the same.
I'm having a hard time taking down the photographs of us on my wall and I'm having a hard time not showing everyone our couple photos that we took in front of the parliament buildings last week when we tried to act like tourists.
I'm having a hard time not thinking about how beautiful the way you speak is and how passionate your eyes are and how secure your arms feel.
I'm having a hard time believing that I can stop having panic attacks and that I can go to sleep without dreaming that we're together again.
I'm having a hard time waking up in the mornings because every time I have to go through realizing what has happened and every time I want to tell myself to go back to sleep because there I am with you and with you I am whole and safe and loved.

(i love you,
i love you,
i love you.)

Me and Jasper broke up after 1 year and 3 months of being together. (Which was his first relationship and my first meaningful, true love.)
It's not setting in yet. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know how to stop breathing too fast and I don't know how to stop my eyes from leaking rivers down my face and I don't know how to stop my nose from being icky and runny and I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer loved by the one who I love with my entire heart.
And I do. Even though I agree with why we broke up and that it was the right thing to do, I can't process it entirely. Part of me is stuck in the past and how awesome that was and how I expected things to turn out.

I just don't know right now.
I just can't.

I know, though, that I have grown to be a better person throughout the time I was with Jasper, and that we have both learned so many things and made so many incredible memories that we both don't want to forget (though right now I just wish I could time travel back into them).
And to anyone who still thinks that I'm complaining of something average, *******.
Try to understand, even if I can't understand it completely.
I know the pain of losing a parent. I know the pain of being sexually violated. I know the pain of being cheated on.
And I can **** well understand the pain of a lot of people around me going through **** just as bad as this, in different ways that I have not yet experienced.
And this pain is not comparable.
Pain is not comparable.

I don't care that this is not a poem. I need to vent and I sure as hell can't do it on Facebook, and writing in a journal makes me think too much about how he's not going to write me letters anymore and writing on Word makes me feel alone and depressed.
Well, it's depressing either way. I don't know what it is. It's not good. I don't like it.
But I have to take those sleeping pills my mom gave me now and go to sleep if I want to go to church and not completely break down and ruin everyone's Sunday morning.

470 · Jan 2013

Untitled

raðljóst Jan 2013

Untitled

as i take you to the woods
trust me
as i walk with your hand in mine
follow
as i guide you through the dark
relax
as i hold you close to my heart
and remember
always remember
that i love you

sometimes my poetry isn't even good. others won't like it, or appreciate it, but that's not my point. i don't need to impress, I just need to get thoughts out or I might explode.

469 · Jan 2013

blind love

raðljóst Jan 2013

blind love

you are sleeping only
a whisper away and if
i can't see your face but
i know that it is there
behind the curtain of
night then i am blind but
i am falling and falling
and finally flying into
love
all over and over and
over and over again

blind love is sometimes the perfect love

I had an impromptu sleepover at my boyfriend's. I'm not allowed sleepovers (I am a fairly mature 16-year-old but with parents who are still strict) but my mom couldn't pick me up last night so I stayed in his twin's room (she's awesome) and I had the most wonderful sleep. He was in the next room so I felt very safe and content and I did not dream (that I know of) and I think that is because I didn't need to make up any stories to convince my sleeping self of his love, since he was so close.

459 · Jan 2013

bad dream

raðljóst Jan 2013

bad dream

doorframe lovers
linger in the air
daylight uncovers
the sweetest stare

tenderness hardened
in early july
but never pardoned
the knife in my pie

the only way out from a bad dream
is to free-fall forever
forever

456 · Apr 2013

tuesdays.

raðljóst Apr 2013

tuesdays.

I've got so used to being near you,
So accustomed to seeing your smile,
And so comfortable in your clothing,
That when you leave I feel
Naked,
Blind,
And forsaken
In the absence of you.

please don't leave, i never leave you
please leave, i want you to enjoy your time alone
please stay, i want to hold you
please go, i will be fine with empty arms.

jasper is away this week as well. and i have a total of 64 hours of work and school this week and my body is crashing on me again. i notice when he is not around. it's good for him to have amazing experiences like going to whistler or going to skills canada competitions, but at the very same time i am wishing for him to be with me. it is selfish. i am sorry.

450 · Sep 2013

first world

raðljóst Sep 2013

first world

our society
consists of marbles
rolling, winding, falling down
the easiest route in life.
we are rivers,
flowing and free to choose
the path of least resistance
and keep on going.
but sometimes,
the easy way out is not the
right way
to live.

436 · Sep 2013

the meaning is missing.

raðljóst Sep 2013

the meaning is missing.

talking to you,
but not seeing
your face,

is like hearing a song
but not understanding
the words.

in this there is beauty,
but like the song unknown,
the meaning is missing.

i crave that face-to-face.

435 · Oct 2013

if it matters to you.

raðljóst Oct 2013

if it matters to you.

i guess you were sick of shooting the moon
because all you did was miss, and you never cared about the stars.
you said you needed solid ground to hold onto.
and now i know i'll only be your earthquake;
no solid footing here.

435 · Jul 2013

ást þína.

raðljóst Jul 2013

ást þína.

i've always created to fill a void
always designed to make up for what's been missing
always written to seal the gap in the blanks of my head

but with you and your love,
i have not felt the need to force art into the world.

the art has grown within our hearts,
and the link between us is our masterpiece.

you keep me warm and smiling, jasper.

432 · May 2013

(you)

raðljóst May 2013

(you)

you matter

because you are

(matter)

thinking about thoughts and existing and "what can I do to help?"

427 · Dec 2013

on the edge.

raðljóst Dec 2013

on the edge.

if i jump, then it's over

and you would be the only one who would know i was scared of heights

*perfect.

427 · Sep 2013

a blind portrait of a lover

raðljóst Sep 2013

a blind portrait of a lover

.
my memory becomes so paper thin
so i trace my hands over your skin
to memorize the way you are
.
.
darling
.
i could paint you in the dark
.

422 · May 2013

is this how it feels to lose your sanity?

raðljóst May 2013

is this how it feels to lose your sanity?

I am dizzy and I am giddy and laughing like a fool,
But tonight is mine.
All mine.
Only mine, for I am alone.
Always, always alone.

420 · Jan 2013

social addiction

raðljóst Jan 2013

social addiction

facebook was so desperate to have me stay
just one more worthless day
or a few more hours wasted away

they said, we'll miss you
is this really what you want to do?
but i had to stay true

"but think of all the people who care
about the things you buy and what you wear,"
the things you post here are always there

never deleted off the page
your secrets hidden in the cage
of internal places evoking rage

because i never intended to do that much
it became an addiction, my loyal crutch
always there for me at a finger's touch

but what the hell are we meant to do?
when facebook crashes and we can't use glue
to patch it together or make something new?

we'll have to spend some time together
remember how it felt to feel the weather
instead of looking at pictures in the nether

you are wasting your life, your time
spending hours stuck to feeds must be a crime
because it's a terrible addiction of mine

i finally left without remorse
and went outside and found the source
of how to finally change my course

I just deactivated my account ten minutes ago and I feel really good.

415 · Jan 2013

different waters

raðljóst Jan 2013

different waters

in the river of wishes the salmon march
with feet they have longed for
all year
and all night
and in-between times
they wished with great might
out of the ocean of desire the penguins fly
with wings that can reach far
and take them so high
so high
high as the top of the sky
from the depths of the contented sea the turtle swims
with what he was born with -
short
but strong limbs
tending the seaweed he eats
with delicate trims

five-minute poems commence now!

415 · Nov 2013

Creator

raðljóst Nov 2013

Creator

I cut my hair and wove it into your skull with my fingertips.
And painted my blood on your mouth to give you red, red lips.
Smoothed the lines on your face with my hand,
And shaped your legs and your feet so you may stand.
With my breath I gave you life,
And with my death I leave no strife.

407 · Aug 2013

in the nighttime

raðljóst Aug 2013

in the nighttime

in my sleep my feet walk me to places my eyes have never seen.
they dance under the covers, restlessly waiting for their time to go
*to bring me to a new home

406 · Sep 2013

I'm in the cloud again.

raðljóst Sep 2013

I'm in the cloud again.

Ankles cracking,
  Keyboard clacking,
    Sniffling of the nose,
      And all these things I do
       To make silent reading a pain.
         Wrapped up in my self-conscious cloud,
           Nerves drowned out all sound,
             I did not dare to glance up
To see that only four students remained.

405 · Jul 2013

departure

raðljóst Jul 2013

departure

you,
you're ten thousand miles away
and i,
i haven't had any words to write
since you walked away.

okay so maybe more like 400km
and i have written, but only to you in pencil on paper that you might never see
and i want you to come home
i want you home
here
soon
please.

403 · Jun 2015

monday night

raðljóst Jun 2015

monday night

we are dancing beneath a cotton sea
legs entwined
fingers exploring, grasping, teasing
we move to the beat of our love
we move together

402 · Apr 2013

this is who i am.

raðljóst Apr 2013

this is who i am.

if you took the time to lift the cover
of my book-of-self
you might just keep reading.

someone please ask me who this person inside me is.
i'll tell ya.

it feels nice to be known. by someone. just one person is good enough.

400 · Jan 2013

nobody ever said

raðljóst Jan 2013

nobody ever said

nobody ever said
hey, let's be friends
when i sat by the fence
and did equations in my head
of how numbers formed
so perfectly
but i couldn't tell them
what it meant to me

nobody ever said,
hey, you're not bad
when i listened to the tress
in my fort out there
in the school yard
with moss tangled
with grass
in my hair

nobody ever said,
i promise you now,
that you'll be so lucky,
your parents will allow
your love to be honest
and open to trust
you can love who you want
and that is enough

nobody ever said
hey, you didn't do wrong
when i grew up nervous
and left home before long
to cross over that sea
and live over there
nobody ever said,
hey, girl, i care

nobody ever said
hey, girl, it's okay
your daddy is long gone
and your mom's here today,
crying all night long,
but earth asks you to stay
and live out you life girl,
it's brighter each day

"What nobody ever said to you"

I was moved by this suggestion.
I think I let some weight off.

398 · Aug 2013

august is nearly over

raðljóst Aug 2013

august is nearly over

this is what i'll never understand:
why my heart breaks in such
inconvenient ways - to tear
out my lifeline would be
a lesser pain than this,
for this means not
knowing whether
it is right to cry
or right to get
up and walk
away...

393 · Feb 2013

body and soul

raðljóst Feb 2013

body and soul

i am*
the tingling of my toes
and the vibrations
are akin

i am
the shoulders that carry
all my secrets
out and in

i am
the ever-wandering soul
that watches over
my body

390 · May 2013

.

raðljóst May 2013

.

how will i manage
to hold you up
when my structure collapses?

how will i survive the night
and meet the morning
when i am left alone?

how will i rest
and close my weary eyes
when i know that you are so close?

(un)related questions that need to be answered.

381 · May 2013

enslave the mind

raðljóst May 2013

enslave the mind

maybe it's dangerous,
– a fault in this flawed way of living –
to think independently.

379 · Jul 2013

earth.

raðljóst Jul 2013

earth.

breathe in the mist
in the morning air
walk with two feet
that touch the ground bare
this is your earth, child
**this is your home

i thought i was on a roll until i thought of the rhyme "don't wreck it like rome" but then i figured i don't really know enough to go around saying things like that.

377 · Apr 2013

the anxiety

raðljóst Apr 2013

the anxiety

make yourself smaller
smaller
small
until your problem
shrinks
to a size
that doesn't
scare you.

375 · Apr 2013

in morning with you.

raðljóst Apr 2013

in morning with you.

in the morning in the library room
when i was drawing and where i forgot
you were sitting, not far, not away,
*the remembering was sunshine in my body.

374 · May 2013

read the note and maybe i will make sense

raðljóst May 2013

read the note and maybe i will make sense

funny how it could all start
with one click of a camera
tilted too far to the right

one girl in a pink princess shirt
smiling, waiting, hoping for acceptance
but never receiving that gift

she looks back on that photograph
her eyes staring past the edge
so eager

she remembers the sneers and the glares
from her peers
and she smiles

because once it starts
it never ends
and she is just fine with that.

kay so this is not even proper good poetry or anything but i found my kindergarten photograph and the photographer took the picture all wrong and i am off to one side and looking into nowhere it seems
and then it hit me
that's when the separation was definite
my father had recently passed away
i was in school then
everyone else was so different
or was it me?
no one was more fascinated by the fishtank
no one as keen to make mothers day cards all day
no one as eager to play house in the forest
no one else crying behind the gym
no one else alone on the swingset
no one else beaten up on the playground
no one else picked last for every game
no one else
no one
no one
no one.

and things don't change too much.

371 · Aug 2013

missti

raðljóst Aug 2013

missti

darkness comes flying through the sky like a plane with broken parts,
and i search for you, where have you gone?

369 · Jan 2013

Untitled

raðljóst Jan 2013

Untitled

happy is the now-time
soft breathing and distant moonlight
and happy kissed our eyes so beautifully
tonight

364 · Jul 2013

spur of the moment thoughts for you

raðljóst Jul 2013

spur of the moment thoughts for you

coming
coming home
and you know i
walk
this road
for you i would
come
come home
you can't leave
wait
i'm alone
without you
breathe
for me
you have to
save
save me
before i
f
a
l
l

catch my heart
before the glass
  h   a      t        r
s        t          s
                 e

364 · Jul 2013

a conversation with the rest of my sanity.

raðljóst Jul 2013

a conversation with the rest of my sanity.

can you please just leave me with the pain?
it's all i've got for now.
i could make it to tomorrow
if i could feel something today.
take what you need, but you won't find it here.
my heart is empty.
i would run from the sorrow,
but it's a vulture tracking me down.
i can't fly, but i'd trade my feet for wings.
i don't know what to tell you to make you go away.

don't ask.