screaming but no one can hear me
all im looking for is an escape from reality
strong on the outside but inside there has been a casualty
you have more pull on my body than gravity
i look calm but inside there’s a storm
it takes my control and leaves me helpless
my dreams float away along with my confidence
everything i’ve ever wanted was so close and yet i can’t reach
it was right in front of me but now it’s so far away
the pain behind my eyes is hidden for only me to see

i watch you fall
her arms wide open
you can’t see past the roses
     she shows on the outside
but all i can see are her thorns
ready to bleed you out
ready to hurt you all over again
i try to warn you
but you’re too far away now
ive lost you to her
     even though you promised i wouldn’t

you used to be mine
you were my number one and i yours
but now you run to her
you tell her
     what you used to confide in me
you tell her
     the things i was to scared to say
and now it’s too late
     there’s nothing left to say
im the one whom you can’t save

Down the rabbit hole I went
With the curiosity of a cat
I followed you
When you saw me you ran
Ran so fast it took me a long time to catch up
Along the way I met many people
Most of them crazy
But some of them kind
They helped me get to you
So now all is fine
You then led me astray
Left me to the judgement of a queen
And I’m not sure how I’ll plead
But only time can tell if I’ll flee

Im so far down the rabbit hole
I don’t know what to do
I came here after you
I don’t know how to leave
Maybe one day I’ll get out
But for now I’ll stay
In here and locked away

The feelings changed
From curiosity of you
To ever lasting pain causing a great strife
My heart hurts along with my head
I made bad choices in my head
If I wasn’t so curious in the first place
I wouldn’t be stuck here down in the rabbit hole

I like you, its no more than that
Its not like Im obsessed
Ive just fallen in like
Like of you and everything you do

Here I am again
Just a friend
I don’t know how to escape my mind
Im going deaf
From the thoughts of you
In my head

I wont escape
I cant escape
Ill never escape

Ill wait here for you
until the sky isn’t blue
until I fade from you
until my eyes confuse
everyone else from you
Ill be here til' the end
or atleast until I change my mind again

I don’t think its too much to ask
if you’ll raise your glass
to us
all of us
in the zone
filled with “just friends" and our bones
to pick
with them
the ones who threw us in here
til’ the end

it always happens the same way
i’m friends with you both
i like you, you like her, she likes you
i get pushed out, i’m on the outside looking in
wishing things could be different but knowing they never can be
history has repeated itself enough times now
three times in two years i end up the only one alone
you’d think that i’d learn but i never do
i go back in hoping for the best
i’m just gonna remove myself from the situation once again
even though i’m the only one who can’t leave me, i want to.

You lying *****.
Trusted, cannot believe I did.
Right out, I asked you.
“Is it her?”
“Is she the one you’re aching for?”
Lied, right to my face.
Said, “No, never.”
It was a lie.
“Sorry” is what you say now
Does that really mean anything?
Hurt, I am.
Never tell you, I will.
“I'm so sorry,” you say.
Well, “sorry” won't cut it.
Not this time.
I’ve let too many people hurt me.
Not today.
Stand my ground, I will.
“You can never tell her any of this.”
Trusting me, now are you?
Begging, pleading.
The ball is in my court now *****.
Ruin your life, I could.
Leave you alone to rot, maybe.
Though, will I?
You know me better than most.
Possible, is it?
Never, because I cannot lie to you.
Me be that person, impossible.
Not to you, never to you.
Hurt me, you can.
Hurt you, I could never.

I can’t do this
Tell myself that I'm over you
Tell everyone else the same
I don’t understand why

You like her
“Tell me the truth,” I say
Tell me you do
You wanted her all along

She is my best friend
Tell her that it’s fine
Tell her to go for it
She won't tell the truth

Both of you lie to me
Tell me what’s going on
Tell me anything at all
Both of you remain quiet

They all know
Tell them everything, do you?
Tell everyone but me
They have to be wrong

Both of you want this
Tell you to go for it
Tell you that I don’t care
Both of you, I lie to

She is all I have
Tell her that I’m okay
Tell her that I understand
She doesn’t know a thing

You used me for her
Tell me that I’m “your friend”
Tell her you want her
You are my biggest problem

I can’t keep up with myself
Tell you both I’m happy for you
Tell everyone I’m fine
I don’t want to lie anymore

You’re right it shouldn’t have happened
Especially not that way
Even though I’m not sure what way “that way” was
I feel terrible
My gut wrenches with pain just thinking about it
It hurts the most when I think of my decisions in this
I was a horrible friend, a horrible person and for that I am truly sorry
I still write out texts to you, but I never send them
Probably because I’m scared
Of what? I’m not sure.

I don’t know why but I didn’t realize that we went really friends anymore until it had been two months since I’d just walked into your kitchen
It didn’t hit me til I had to scroll down in my texts to find your name
There wasn’t really a conversation or even a conscience decision that caused this
It all just happened and suddenly it was April and I hadn’t seen you since January.

When grandpa went back to the hospital after the heart attack he asked about you
Erin asks about you sometimes too
It’s funny because whenever we talk about college she runs in to tell us that she’s going to Parkside just like you
My parents asked why we don’t hang out anymore
I didn’t have an answer to give them
Or at least a good answer to give them.

No matter what, I read your poem
Thought you should know that I do miss you
I miss being able to trust someone with everything, even though I lied a lot at the end there
I miss things I never thought I would like laying on your basement bedroom floor
Or sitting in your backyard playing songs on that old acoustic guitar
Memories of driving through the industrial park with all the windows down blasting some pop punk anthem we both screamed at the top of our lungs
(“He doesn’t look a think like Jesus...”)
I miss automatically calling you whenever I needed to talk so someone or even just to hear your voice
I miss all of it
And I feel like a **** for letting it just end, “like this.”

I did end up calling you today and just hearing that 3 year old voicemail message with your voice had me in tears
They say that someone’s voice is the first thing you forget
Maybe that’s why it broke me
I spent every ring of the phone secretly hoping you’d pick up but also hoping you wouldn’t because I know you feel this pain too
You don’t have to call me back
I’m betting you’ve moved on from my broken, insecure, and slightly dependent personality and found someone new or gone to someone old to confide in
I do hope that you have someone else that you’ve been talking too
Either way this is me reaching out
It’s fine if you’ve moved on from me or you’re mad at me and never want to hear my voice or see me again
I’ll completely understand and take your silence as my answer
But if you miss me too or there is just a sliver of anything still there then we should have dinner
I’ve still got eleven dollars on that Olive Garden gift card your parents got me for Christmas.

I never did like endings
You know about me tearing out the last pages of books before I read them because if you don’t read the last page the story never truly ends
This could be our last page and I’ve no idea how to end it
So I’ll just leave it with this:

One day I’m going to be telling my kids about high school and letting them look through my yearbooks and they’re gonna ask me who I’m with in those newspaper photos and I hope I’ll have more to say than “a friend I once had.”

How could you? I trusted you will all I had.
I put my heart in your hands and you neither crushed it nor accepted it.
I cannot hate you, but I cannot love you either.
My heart belongs to you and yours to her.
I gave myself to you, the idea of you that is.

My hope held out until my suspicions became truth.
I asked you about my doubts and you lied right to my face.
I'm not sure that I can even look at you anymore.
And yet, I cannot hate you .
I have all the reason and more to hate you, and yet I cannot.

On the other side of things, I cannot love you.
Love is a word we assign to feelings we cannot describe.
Just like you; you are indescribable.
You hold me in your being, your essence.
I cannot hate you and yet love is out of reach.

out there I see a red world
but in here all there is is a faint white glow
the glow is small
it's found to be very few
among a world of giant flashing red lights
lights that black out all the beauty within
the red lights channel anger
my anger inside
the faint white glow gives hope
hope to all those lost
in the world of red

Silence it fills me, consumes me.

I don’t know how or why but I’ve gone from being utterly stumped to unchamisly inspired
before i had things to write about
before i needed to write
i sat at this very same keyboard and threw my heart upon it only to be rewarded with 2 short paragraphs
words of which i can neither feel nor believe in
when i needed to pour my soul into a song or verse i could not
but now in times of strange calmness
just as i had accepted my horrible self and its ways
here i am completely inspired
throwing my words into a verse of which not many will read or understand
my only hope is that i can look back upon these strange lines and know that within them is me
all that i am now is a pile of vowels and consonants that jumble together to create either a masterpiece or disaster
maybe i am a cliche
maybe all that these words are is boredom
a question that i have is is boredom really boredom at all?
do you ever realize your boredom in the loud noise of life?
the simple answer is no
boredom is like loneliness where as it is only recognized in the silence
silence brings all to the surface and even now it helps me to write
maybe the reason i could not write before was because my life was so loud that i couldn’t hear myself screaming from the inside
that screaming is now words upon this page
that silence, it still consumes me but, it also inspires me