when i was young
i never intended on living to adulthood
i didn't have any dramatic plans for my death
but i hadn't planned for the contrary, either
and so
time rolled on, the way it does
and through pure neglect
i found myself here
alive today
and the years keep passing, the way they do
time's funny that way:
it increments in loops;
another year forward,
another revolution of the same.
when i was younger
i didn't believe in the future,
i still don't, but now i find,
that the present tends to stick around.
and one's seeming imperative thoughts and actions,
one's urgent sparks of actuality,
aren't flames of some eternal logos,
but are more
the random shower of a Catherine wheel
spinning aimlessly on a pike
and so, through sheer inertia
the world keeps on turning
and you with it
till one day
you stop
and are left
disorientated and thrown
into a wall
i'm not sure what i'm trying to say here,
or if this maudlin sentimentality amounts to much
but if i had any truism
from my time spent,
it would be this:
the self is a clear plate of glass
onto which meaning condenses like steam
at first invisible to yourself,
you become aware of your shape through
the foggy coalescence of the things you cherish.
but sometimes,
those meanings become too much to bear
and they condense
into a liquid
and silently drip off.
then
maybe you wait,
slowly drying out,
for the process to hopefully start all over again
but in the mean time
you're left there,
gently and vacantly
estranged
translucent
and damp
i'm not really sure
clinging on to dead meanings is too painful
casting them aside and just carrying on is too painful
and it all becomes
softly and quietly
utterly absurd
and while Camus says to carry on in loud defiance,
all the endless spinning tends to just leave me
winded and nauseous
…
“a line allows progress, a circle does not”
but time's a spiral
and a spiral's both
…
anyway
happy birthday, everyone