i dream of the day that i become
the girl people do double-takes on,
the day that i’ll have smooth thighs
and a flat stomach
and slim arms.

i’ve learned to take in my father’s
criticisms (“you shouldn’t eat that,”
he tells me) and how to ignore
the hunger in the deepest parts of me,
the sharp pain clawing at my inside.

every word seeps under my skin,
into my blood,
poisons my thoughts until the day
i become just skin and bones,
angles of a girl who used to be.

i’ve always been told to not listen
to what anyone else thinks,
only to my own thoughts,
so what happens when i’m the one
who has turned against me?

the only thing i’m eating anymore
is myself, from the inside out.

i spent the first couple years of my youth
with my arms crossed tight around my stomach,
arranging myself in the mirror to see which ways
would make others see me how i wanted them to,
twisting my body into shapes it wasn’t designed for,
trying to find some semblance of beauty.

you kiss the creases where my body folds in on itself,
the marks where the skin on my thighs
stretches apart, not quite reaching itself,
the tangled mess that is my hair,
and you still find it somewhere within yourself
to tell me that i am the very semblance of beauty.

i think i may love you
but i don't want you
seeing my chewed-up fingernails,
or my hair standing straight up
first thing in the morning,
or the way i cry
over everything,
or how i care way too little
and way too much
at the same time,
because i fear you may figure out
i'm not who i'm trying to be.

my words tend to trip over themselves
on the way out of my mouth,
almost like they’re racing to see
who can get to you first,
even though they never make sense.

i don’t have anything that i am good at
or know every bit and piece about,
something i can reconstruct
to make you understand why
it holds a special place in my heart.

nobody taught me how to fall in head first,
give myself completely to someone,
and not worry about the innate insecurities
that have always been present
in the back of my mind.

i am nowhere close to perfection,
but can you find it within yourself
to pick up all my broken parts
and try to make something of a girl again?
(because with you i feel beautiful.)

from the moment
that we met,
from the first time
you breathed my name,
something inside me
had burst into flames,
was born again.
you didn’t know it yet,
but i had tied a string
around your wrist
with the other end
around mine,
and although
it’s been a few years
and it’s been stretched
and twisted
and tangled
and frayed,
it has never broken.
somehow i knew that
in the end
you were my one,
and i’d always have to
be able to find my way
back to you.

there’s a principle in science that says
if you don’t use it, you lose it,
if a part of your brain goes untouched,
is in no way beneficial to you,
it ceases to exist.

so tell me why i haven’t been able
to shake you out of my mind
when i haven’t seen you in two months,
when you were never really mine
in the first place.
why do you insist on resurfacing
when i’m sure i’ve become
just an afterthought to you.

the home i built for you
should have burned to the ground,
should have remained vacant
after you left,
but instead it continues to overflow
and seems to breathe underneath
its own sagging weight.

your porch light was on
so i took off my shoes
and stepped inside
made myself at home
brewed a *** of coffee
curled up on the couch
beside the fireplace
and waited for you
but you never came home.

when i was seven and i fell off my bike
and scraped up my knees,
daddy told me that pain is just
my brain telling my body what to feel.

so maybe if i put my mind to it
and try hard enough,
this sadness will leave my body,
this hurt i feel eating at my heart
will slowly ebb away,
the tears rolling down my cheek
will be dry.

and maybe you will
become just a memory.

i'd like to sit on your bookshelf
and have you
run your fingers down the length of my spine
extract me from among the others
open me up
delve deep and explore
and when people ask
and you tell them your favorite book
you'd say my name

“isn’t it crowded in california?” people always ask me
but you should have seen the way it looked from the sky

expanses of empty valleys
mountains of uninhabited ridges
cities that i could touch with my fingertip
much like the stars in the dark night air
and green as far as the eye could see
the silver snow that dotted the land
reminding us not to forget about it

never had i been so far above that i could notice it all
always stuck in my corner of the universe

and you should have felt what i felt
knowing that there are still
areas of my heart that have yet to be
realized and explored and populated
by anyone who is not you

even though at one point
you occupied the spaces
the cracks in my chest and lungs and limbs
so much that i thought you were a piece of me

but the seasons change and so do people
so my winter will be drastically different than my summer
when you climbed out of my life and into another’s

and hearts break and shrink and expand
to make room for different hearts
(mine’s currently in the process of getting rid of you)

just friends, he whispered
as he pulled me closer
pressing his lips to my forehead.
just friends, i repeated in my head
because i knew that
he loved her
and she loved him
and i didn't fit into the equation
no matter how much
it made my chest collapse on itself.
(i was fighting a war
i'd already lost.)

i want that kiss, the one that will
break open the ground
and swallow us both up, the one that will
take my breath away
and then give it back to me, the one that will
show me that all others before were completely wrong
and all other after won't compare, the one that will
make my insides heat up
and melt altogether, the one that will
shatter my heart
and then piece it back together.
but i don't want that from just anyone, no,
i'd prefer if it were from you.

i wish time was able to go backwards:
we only got to have one kiss
before the earth shattered
and crumbled to pieces around us,
and i can’t help but think of all
the other ones we could have shared.
i want to go back to when you and i
were fused into one being,
but i keep overthinking
and stepping in my own way.
i don’t want you to be a vacation,
but a permanent home.
you left your mark on my heart:
just know that
you’re the one to whom
i compare everyone else in my life
who tries to fill the void
that you left behind,
the one you hung your name on.

you leave me hopeless and empty,
withered, weak, wilted.
you leave my fingernails chewed-up,
destroyed like the rest of me.
you leave me clawing at the surface
of what i could be
but unable to break through.
you leave me swearing to resist you
but wanting even more.
you leave me loving you
and hating myself,
an unfair trade-off,
an addiction that i can’t seem to break.
i look at what’s left of myself
and see that you’ve left nothing.

i can tell you about every boy
who’s ever held a piece of my heart
in his hands:

I.     my first love (or so i thought):
       the one who sang all the right notes
       and kissed all the right places,
       sending my body a-humming,
       the one whose goodbye
       sounded like a sweet melody,
       the one who had me believing
       i had stopped the music,
       that i was at fault

II.   the one that never really saw me:
      always looking over my head
      to the next best thing,
      always full up with big city dreams
      and castles in his skies

III.   the boy who couldn’t pick me
       out of an empty room:
       the one who grabbed my hand
       and held so tight
       that i almost forgot it hurt,
       the one who left and came back
       like nothing had changed
       when i tried my hardest to forget,
       when i’d promised myself
       to never be a second choice again

IV.  my one-night stand:
       the one i’d spent years
       daydreaming of and, in minutes,
       had reduced me to half my size,
       because i thought love existed
       somewhere within the thread count
       or in the feeling of the cotton,
       the silk, against my bare legs

V.   you:
       but our story hasn’t ended yet,
       only just beginning,
       and if i could pick up every penny
       off of every sidewalk,
       i would,
       just to toss them all over my shoulder
       into a wishing well
       and make our forever come true

maybe if i was
planted in the ground,
given light
and enough water,
i could grow
and be beautiful too,
but i am a person,
not a flower.

my thoughts of you
are clouded with things
i wish i would have said
and done
when i had the chance.

like that time
you looked me in the eye
and said
you know you could really ruin my life,
i almost did just that;
i almost took that leap
and kissed you,
and i hope you’d have said
that sure, your life is ruined,
but at least i’m in it.

every single moment
we spent talking for hours,
lying next to each other,
i wasted each one,
because i never said
what was on my mind
and i never did
what i wanted to do.

and now it’s too late.

i usually fling around
“i miss you’s” with no care,
with no intention
of ever following through,
but you came and changed
my entire philosophy:
you gave life to the words;
now they’re up
and dancing around,
yearning to do what
they were meant to do,
living, breathing creatures
that suffocate without you,
just like me.
(when you’re not here,
a part of me is missing.)

i hate that we only understand each other
when we are exposed,
standing in no man’s land

when we’re pressed together,
all weapons put aside,
your arms tight around me
and my fingers digging into your skin,
hands frantically exploring every inch
they can find,
breathing in every breath
the other lets out

that we’re only in sync when
our bodies move together
as one carnal being

that without our ceasefire
every word between us turns into
a biting bullet

they say love is a battlefield
and if that’s so
then my body is a warzone
and you’re the friendly fire

but we continue with this modern warfare
because it’s the only way we know how

i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

were they the same things
that you’d whispered to me
the ones that made me feel
like the only girl
in your world

how easy was it for you
to reuse worn-out phrases
and tattered words
and make them seem
brand new

how easy was it
to make her believe
there was no one but her

and how easy was it
to give yourself away when
for nine months
you told me i was
the love of your life
when i’d stayed true and
faithful

i wrote countless words
innumerable lines for you
and only you
but you showed me
how easy it is
to transfer these elsewhere

he can fit perfectly
into the empty spaces
in any one of my poems
the ones that used to
have your name
hung up like a
do not disturb sign

i thought i’d never be able
to fall in love again
but life does continue on
this earth keeps on spinning

and i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

i’ll kiss another’s lips
to get the taste of yours
off of mine

and it was difficult at first,
the way he and i kept
bumping our mouths together,
because all i could remember
was the way ours used to
shape together

i wasn’t anticipating
his next move,
but rather waiting on yours

my own body was
turning against me

but i’ll learn the contours,
the curves,
the give and take
of someone else’s embrace,
because i know
that’s the path i need to take
to make my body my own,
and no longer yours

i deserve that much

it’s nights like these i feel the loneliest,
when my house is cold
and silent
and i start thinking about the nights
we spent together,
your breath and arms warming me up,
your voice soft against my hair;
darling, when i was with you,
you made both the cold
and the silence feel unwelcome.

they played our song today, and it all came rushing back to me, all at once, like i'd stood up too fast: there i was, sitting next to the raging bonfire, chilled to the bones, despite its incessant warmth; and there you were, across from me, distant, despite the skin on our hands kissing intimately; and there you went, drunkenly stumbling away toward your friends, toward something better, singing at the top of your lungs a song that i wanted you to whisper solely to me.
and he asked me how a guy like you could break my heart, and i told him i was in too deep: i was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and you were at the top, hollering down to me; and all the anger, the lust, the frustration, every twisted emotion you ever made me feel, came to a boil, bubbling over my surface and out onto my tear-stained cheeks; and i wondered, after almost a year, how you still had this kind of hold on me, when i'd told you goodbye and meant it, how you could get me to feel something i thought i'd forgotten, how i was quick to defend you like you never defended me.
but no more.
i've had enough.

you know
when you find someone
who can make your hands
shake
who can make your heart
collapse
who makes you want
to scream
and cry
and laugh
because that someone
is who you've been searching for
all this time?
for me,
that's you.
for you,
that's her.

funny how
one person can go from
a stranger on the street
to the one
that hangs the stars
in your sky
and then back again.

i tried getting over you the other day.
i told my friend that i thought your friend
was cute.

for some reason i thought that maybe you'd hear
and make a scene professing your love for me
and i'd turn my back in cinematic fashion saying
you missed your chance.

but that didn't happen.

instead
the next day i woke up
and there you were beneath my eyelids
and you were there when i opened them too
and when i actually saw you
there was that familiar ache in my chest
the one that makes it fairly impossible to breathe.

it didn't work either.
that same day i no longer thought your friend
was cute.

it's like you've laid claim on me
without your knowledge.

there’s a boy who has my heart,
with gentle hands and gentle eyes,
who loves me unconditionally,
who would give me the world
wrapped up in a pretty box if he could,
whose mouth travels no further
than to my own,
who shows me what it means
to love and be loved.

there’s a boy i see every week,
with dark eyes and hands
that look rough and ruthless,
who shows me that i’m human,
flawed and full of rage, lust, fire,
whose mouth begs to meet mine,
dares me to make a thousand mistakes,
who pushes my imagination
into the most primal parts of my mind.

i see you out of the corner of my eye
and i can feel my eyebrows pull together
in helpless adoration,
and i know the corners of my mouth
are turning up ever so slightly.
sometimes i wonder if someone else sees me
and thinks to themself
how sad,
how pathetic
this girl is,
longing for something she'll never have.
but those are the times
when i think to myself
who cares,
because i watch your slow smile,
the movement of your jawline,
the way your hair shapes your face perfectly,
and i know that
if i'm sad,
if i'm pathetic,
i don't really care.

i watched the sun glisten
off the top of the water
as it made small ripples
the size of locks of my hair,
and i thought of you.

you too, like the sun,
are only an illusion;
the sun is a million miles away
but still seems to affect
the water in such a beautifully
tragic manner,
just as you are never here
but can still keep me
yearning for your warmth.

tell me why you left me alone
when i needed you the most.

i love the stubble
on your face
that lines your jaw
from your dark hair
all the way to your chin.

i love the way you
throw your head back
when you laugh
like it's the funniest thing
you've ever heard.

i love how you lick
your lips slowly
and how you lock
eyes with me,
not letting me go.

i'm not in love with you
but i could be
if you let me.

i was reading warsan shire
when i got your message
and my foundation shook underneath me
the foundation i built
after the earthquake that was you
and i must have reread it
a thousand times
and i must have thought up
a thousand responses
but never sent one because to do that is
a sign of weakness all my friends tell me
and i can never show weakness or falter
but what about the weakness
you exposed in me
the cracks you chipped further
with your brutal axe
and i can remember the way it felt
to hear you say the words
to know that you let another girl
touch you like i used to
how my chest caved in on itself
and for a while there i lost myself
because i didn’t know who i was
without your name attached to mine
and you have a new girl now
one who doesn’t hold the stars in her eyes
for you like i did
and i’ve ****** my fair share of guys
trying to get the taste of your mouth
out of mine
and my throat is bursting
with things i want to say
words words words
with no meaning except anger and hatred
but i know it would all be for a boy
who couldn’t even tell me my middle name
so i keep it inside me
and they say you should never hold in anything
for fear of coming undone at the seams
but i’m the one
who stitched myself back together
and found my footing again
without you
and i pierced my ears
and got that tattoo on my back
not for you
but to separate myself from you
separate myself from the girl who
would gladly sit underneath your thumb
and i used to count anniversaries but now
i just count days since
and it’s been three months since
you took away a part of me
but it’s a piece that i no longer need
so save it for a day when
she doesn’t fit your mold of a perfect woman
when you remember how much i loved you
for free

tonight i was going to tell you
that the universe exists in your eyes

that yours are the only words
i’ll let into my head
curling around my brain like smoke
and settling into the dark corners
who have never heard something
so beautiful before

that love isn’t just a placeholder anymore
for the moments you make me smile
but rather a creature that
dances, dances, dances with a purpose

that someone somewhere
is looking down on us
smiling at the beautiful mess he created

tonight i was going to whisper
all these things softly
into the small space on your neck
where my lips find solace

but you weren’t ready to hear them

the saying goes
“falling in love,”
like love means diving
into the ocean
without knowing how deep
the water flows,
like it’s a leaf drifting
side to side
softly to the ground.
for me,
it was like climbing up
the side of a cliff
with nothing but
my two arms
to support me.
you were the biggest
challenge
i’ve ever had to overcome,
but baby,
i reached the top
and the view
sure was beautiful.

i learned the hard way that love
doesn’t mean staring down the barrel
of a loaded gun,
telling me it’s his way or no way at all.
no one can ever make me
compromise my values,
not even the sweetest face (you),
not even the smoothest talker (you),
not even the gentlest touch (you).
i see you in every landscape,
every arrangement of orange leaves
on the autumn trees,
the snowfall on the tall mountainsides,
and i feel you in the hot sun
that beats down on my skin,
but i can’t keep dancing around
the words on my tongue,
the ones that keep trying to
pry open my lips, gasping for air,
begging to be set free.
no one can recalibrate my mind
to suit his needs, his wants.
we promised love to each other,
but even that isn’t enough for me
when my concerns, my beliefs,
aren’t second to none.

i prepared for the worst,
protected myself from the future storm
that no one else could see but me.
it never came,
and i sat in my shelter,
alone with my thoughts.
i wish i was a prizefighter of words,
wish i was able to express to you
how i truly feel,
but instead i spend my days
shadow boxing myself,
without you.
there’s a battle raging inside my mind,
a constant push and pull
between what’s real
and what i feel,
and i lost you,
but i don’t have anyone to blame
but myself.

i’ve never really known what love is.

i’ve seen my mom cry
too many tears and my father leave
too many footprints out the door, heard
too many silent arguments,
felt the weight of
too much tension in the air
come crashing down onto our heads,
to get a good grasp on the concept.

i was drenched in what others
wanted me to be when you found me,
broken and whimpering,
and i couldn’t have told you the difference
between love and appreciation.

i’ve never really known what love is.
but with you i think i can learn.

i fell in love with you that night,
in your car, speeding
one hundred and twenty-six
down the highway,
your hand clasped around the inside
of my thigh,
your thumb stroking beneath
the leather of my knee high boot

and oh, those knuckles,
i could write pages on those hilltops,
those strong, rough boulders
that could crush me in an instant
if i wanted them to
(and how desperately i do)

while you sang along to the music
so loud it found its way
in my ears and down into my chest,
throwing your head back, belting out,
missing every other word
and every single note,
but you didn’t care and neither did i

i fell in love the next morning,
too, as those same fingers trailed
up the pillar of my neck and
down to where my skin
melts into the fabric of my clothing,
audible shockwaves stirring
in the bottom of my throat, escaping
through the lips i crave for
you to crave, settling
into the small space between us

in my parents eyes
nothing i ever do is good enough,
and some days i can barely find
the strength to look myself
in the mirror,
and other days i pass right through
walls and friends and obligations
as if i were a ghost, a lost soul

but with you, i exist

i met someone today
who reminded me of you:
his voice was soft and slow,
and he looked at me
with the look you once had
in your eyes,
and amidst our conversation
i realized that you have been
drained from my life
like water through a sink,
and this should have made
me fall to my knees,
cry out in desperation,
but somehow,
i was okay with it.
(every day i am stronger.)