don't tell me you love me
if you don't mean it, she said.
don't give me hope if
you're just going to dash it all away.
if you every plan on leaving, she said,
you might as well get it over with.
she threw down her defenses
and laid it all out on the line
because, she said,
even the ugly truth is much better
than the most beautiful lie.

i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

were they the same things
that you’d whispered to me
the ones that made me feel
like the only girl
in your world

how easy was it for you
to reuse worn-out phrases
and tattered words
and make them seem
brand new

how easy was it
to make her believe
there was no one but her

and how easy was it
to give yourself away when
for nine months
you told me i was
the love of your life
when i’d stayed true and
faithful

i wrote countless words
innumerable lines for you
and only you
but you showed me
how easy it is
to transfer these elsewhere

he can fit perfectly
into the empty spaces
in any one of my poems
the ones that used to
have your name
hung up like a
do not disturb sign

i thought i’d never be able
to fall in love again
but life does continue on
this earth keeps on spinning

and i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

i saw the clouds light up with color today,
a scene perfect for a picture,
but as i went back to capture the moment,
it had gone and passed,
a fleeting second in time.

most moments are like this,
here one minute and gone the next,
and it’s difficult to grab them
when we’re too busy looking to the future,
too busy imagining other possibilities.

you see, i don’t know what i’d have done
if you hadn’t been there,
and i hadn’t been there,
and the moment didn’t present itself,
wasn’t ripe for the picking.

(i think i could be falling in love with you.)

i don’t think
my fingers belong anywhere else
than in between yours:
when we interlace hands,
click,
they fit right into place
like a key into a lock.

i don’t think
my lips belong anywhere else
than pressed against yours:
when we kiss,
click,
it’s like they were built for each other,
and sparks  go flying.

i don’t think
you belong anywhere else
than by my side:
if you take on the world with me,
click,
everything will be
as it should.

when i was seven and i fell off my bike
and scraped up my knees,
daddy told me that pain is just
my brain telling my body what to feel.

so maybe if i put my mind to it
and try hard enough,
this sadness will leave my body,
this hurt i feel eating at my heart
will slowly ebb away,
the tears rolling down my cheek
will be dry.

and maybe you will
become just a memory.

i'd like to sit on your bookshelf
and have you
run your fingers down the length of my spine
extract me from among the others
open me up
delve deep and explore
and when people ask
and you tell them your favorite book
you'd say my name

i know it's late
and you've probably already
put down your book
turned off your bedside lamp
and fallen into a deep sleep
but for me it's not so easy
when you're my book
and my bedside lamp
and i can't put you down
or turn you off
because my thoughts can't move
one inch without bumping
into some memory of you
and i'd like to know
how you do it
how you so easily drift off
into a night filled with dreams
that aren't about me.

some might see the ocean and how
he refuses to stop returning to the shore
no matter how many times
he’s pushed away.

i can only see the shore inviting the ocean
back in a countless number of times
despite how much she pushes him away,
despite his water washing away
bits and pieces of who she is,
giving her back things that don’t belong.

i understand that the ocean and shore
were created side by side for a reason,
but what i can’t seem to grasp
is why god created waves:
why did he make the shore immobile,
but allowed the sea to move freely,
and do as he pleases?

i’ll always hate myself for letting you
come rushing back in,
for how much you overwhelm me,
your waves crashing down on me,
when i know every day
you change as the tide does.

time seems to slow down exponentially
when you’re staring at the hands of a clock:
a minute can seem like a lifetime;
look away and they will change,
as if they were too shy to do anything
underneath your watchful gaze.

you were like this:
i didn’t know what i wanted until
i was no longer searching for it,
until you came from out of nowhere
and made me see what i’d always wanted
but never knew how to figure out.

someday
the right boy will come along
the one who will
make your toes curl
the one who will
kiss all your bruises
and the tips of your fingers

he will pinpoint your beauty
and extract it from you
make it brighter
like the light switch on the wall

he will lift your lips
to his
look into your eyes
and say that he understands
that you're no longer alone

patience is a virtue
my dear

i hate that we only understand each other
when we are exposed,
standing in no man’s land

when we’re pressed together,
all weapons put aside,
your arms tight around me
and my fingers digging into your skin,
hands frantically exploring every inch
they can find,
breathing in every breath
the other lets out

that we’re only in sync when
our bodies move together
as one carnal being

that without our ceasefire
every word between us turns into
a biting bullet

they say love is a battlefield
and if that’s so
then my body is a warzone
and you’re the friendly fire

but we continue with this modern warfare
because it’s the only way we know how

there’s someone new
in my life currently,
a boy who has taken over
your role and acted it out
better than you ever could.
you made me afraid
to dive headfirst
or march into love
with a blindfold over my eyes,
but i see now
that you were a warning
and not an example.
his gentle hands
and gentle eyes
show me what it means
to love and be loved,
a lesson i would have
never learned if
you hadn’t taught me
exactly what love wasn’t.
(every day i am stronger.)

i can tell you about every boy
who’s ever held a piece of my heart
in his hands:

I.     my first love (or so i thought):
       the one who sang all the right notes
       and kissed all the right places,
       sending my body a-humming,
       the one whose goodbye
       sounded like a sweet melody,
       the one who had me believing
       i had stopped the music,
       that i was at fault

II.   the one that never really saw me:
      always looking over my head
      to the next best thing,
      always full up with big city dreams
      and castles in his skies

III.   the boy who couldn’t pick me
       out of an empty room:
       the one who grabbed my hand
       and held so tight
       that i almost forgot it hurt,
       the one who left and came back
       like nothing had changed
       when i tried my hardest to forget,
       when i’d promised myself
       to never be a second choice again

IV.  my one-night stand:
       the one i’d spent years
       daydreaming of and, in minutes,
       had reduced me to half my size,
       because i thought love existed
       somewhere within the thread count
       or in the feeling of the cotton,
       the silk, against my bare legs

V.   you:
       but our story hasn’t ended yet,
       only just beginning,
       and if i could pick up every penny
       off of every sidewalk,
       i would,
       just to toss them all over my shoulder
       into a wishing well
       and make our forever come true

i’m a broken vase,
consisting of several pieces of jagged glass,
clumsily glued back together,
the fragments not fitting as well as they used to.
you can see the cracks,
the empty gaps,
and it seems as though
i could easily be tipped over
and shattered altogether again.
most people wouldn’t try to piece me up
and make me complete,
but you dare to defy odds,
and even insist on placing inside me
flowers that tangle in my hair
and fill in these gaps,
and then setting me out in the warm sun.
darling, i've never felt more whole
in my life.

i could write a million different combinations
of letters and words, a thousand ways
to tell the world how i feel about you,
and you’d still have only the one.
you say i love you and all i feel is
a stabbing pain in the middle of my chest.
you see, i find it unfair that my words
blossom and expand and touch the sky,
and yours are as predictable as a hurricane,
noticeable from a thousand miles away.
i’m supposed to be in love but it feels like
the scales are tipped in my direction,
and what a peculiar thing to be worried about
when i have someone who would
take the stars out of the sky for me.

i watched the sun glisten
off the top of the water
as it made small ripples
the size of locks of my hair,
and i thought of you.

you too, like the sun,
are only an illusion;
the sun is a million miles away
but still seems to affect
the water in such a beautifully
tragic manner,
just as you are never here
but can still keep me
yearning for your warmth.

tell me why you left me alone
when i needed you the most.

my thoughts of you
are clouded with things
i wish i would have said
and done
when i had the chance.

like that time
you looked me in the eye
and said
you know you could really ruin my life,
i almost did just that;
i almost took that leap
and kissed you,
and i hope you’d have said
that sure, your life is ruined,
but at least i’m in it.

every single moment
we spent talking for hours,
lying next to each other,
i wasted each one,
because i never said
what was on my mind
and i never did
what i wanted to do.

and now it’s too late.

i’ve never really known what love is.

i’ve seen my mom cry
too many tears and my father leave
too many footprints out the door, heard
too many silent arguments,
felt the weight of
too much tension in the air
come crashing down onto our heads,
to get a good grasp on the concept.

i was drenched in what others
wanted me to be when you found me,
broken and whimpering,
and i couldn’t have told you the difference
between love and appreciation.

i’ve never really known what love is.
but with you i think i can learn.

that night
we fought for the first time.

i opened my mouth
to kiss you goodbye
—you pressed yours to mine,
demure, unsure,
as if you’d never explored
my entire body,
let alone my lips—
but we were on different pages.

and i was suddenly aware
that something had changed,
that our world had shifted
like a car
swerving to avoid a roadblock.

and i was suddenly aware
how much
i still loved you and
how much
i wanted our world to get back
on track—
and never get back off.

my days have been numbered by
the piece of papers holding meaningless words
that i crumple up and toss in the trash,
by the books i’ve gotten my hands on,
by the many coffee cups i’ve held to my lips,
and i can finally dive into prufrock’s words,
feel them encapsulate me,
roll around in my brain and
make themselves at home.
i crave the timelessness that even dickinson
couldn’t have possibly tasted,
the ability to have people to feel something
and connect with my words,
the chance to not feel alone in this world.
my words enter the blank page
without any rhyme or reason
but they help me embody my feelings,
and i pour my heart into my work
with the hope that someone, somewhere is thinking,
i understand what she’s saying.
that’s truly what it’s all about.

i know that lying with him
isn’t what you expected,
that when you kiss,
the only thing you feel is his lips
against yours,
that you feel like
all the fairytales,
all the movies lied
about what true love entails,
that you’re going to keep seeing him,
a small what if tucked there
in the back of your mind,
but you can trust that
your secret is safe with me.

(because i’ve been there too.)

you watch as your best friend
comes and goes
with guys draped on her arm
like jewelry
interchangeable and temporary
dripping off of her skin
and clinging to her every word
men who fall to their knees
at her feet

when is it your turn

when will they follow your
trail of smoke
your irresistible smile
and heart full up with love

if i can teach you one thing
it’s that boys will
come and go
candy-coated in charm and
talking of the future
one with you in it
but at times it will feel like
you’re drowning
while they watch from the shore

trust me when i say
that you have to wade through
the shallow water first
in order to get to the deep end

wait for the guy
who sets your world on fire
the guy who ignites the spark
in the pit of your stomach
the guy for whom you’d sit
in the middle of a burning room
smiling
as the world continues on
around you

the thing about you is that
you take, take, take,
and never give a single thing
in return.   i thought maybe
i could change you and
make you into the kind of guy
who loves girls unconditionally,
but it's always the same
thing: me picking up my clothes
and my pride off the floor
after you've gotten what
you wanted from me,
and trying to fill myself
with the slightest hope that
you might change your ways
next time.   and believe me,
no matter what i tell myself,
there will be a next time.
(i couldn't exactly tell you why
i keep coming back for more.)

i want that kiss, the one that will
break open the ground
and swallow us both up, the one that will
take my breath away
and then give it back to me, the one that will
show me that all others before were completely wrong
and all other after won't compare, the one that will
make my insides heat up
and melt altogether, the one that will
shatter my heart
and then piece it back together.
but i don't want that from just anyone, no,
i'd prefer if it were from you.

i never understood how people could
fall in love and stay that way:
once i’m in, i’m banging down the doors
for someone to let me out.

just last week i was writing pretty words
about you, all for you,
how i wish you were by my side and
what i would give to make that wish true.

you’re mine now, and at first
i thought all the loose ends in my life
had finally been *******,
that all my problems would be resolved.

but now i know that those problems
lie in the chambers of my heart,
and nobody, not even you, not even me,
has the power to fix them.

why do i insist
on giving myself away to people
who push back
with everything they have,
who take what they want from me
and then toss me aside,
depriving me
of my lovely parts,
leaving me with
only my bitter ones?
(and i wonder why
i’m so sad all the time.)

she loved him
more than she loved air
so she forgot how to breathe;
she loved him
more than she loved water
so she drowned in it;
she loved him
even more than she loved herself
so much so
that she let herself go.

there’s a principle in science that says
if you don’t use it, you lose it,
if a part of your brain goes untouched,
is in no way beneficial to you,
it ceases to exist.

so tell me why i haven’t been able
to shake you out of my mind
when i haven’t seen you in two months,
when you were never really mine
in the first place.
why do you insist on resurfacing
when i’m sure i’ve become
just an afterthought to you.

the home i built for you
should have burned to the ground,
should have remained vacant
after you left,
but instead it continues to overflow
and seems to breathe underneath
its own sagging weight.

i usually fling around
“i miss you’s” with no care,
with no intention
of ever following through,
but you came and changed
my entire philosophy:
you gave life to the words;
now they’re up
and dancing around,
yearning to do what
they were meant to do,
living, breathing creatures
that suffocate without you,
just like me.
(when you’re not here,
a part of me is missing.)

it’s nights like these i feel the loneliest,
when my house is cold
and silent
and i start thinking about the nights
we spent together,
your breath and arms warming me up,
your voice soft against my hair;
darling, when i was with you,
you made both the cold
and the silence feel unwelcome.

your porch light was on
so i took off my shoes
and stepped inside
made myself at home
brewed a *** of coffee
curled up on the couch
beside the fireplace
and waited for you
but you never came home.

i thought about you today.
i thought about you yesterday.
i'll think about you tomorrow, too,
and when i'm sitting in a crowded restaurant
with voices bouncing off the walls
and forks clinking against plates,
you'll be in my head.
it doesn't matter whether
i'm completely alone
or surrounded by friends,
you're always going to have a special place
there in the back of mind.

                      i hope you don't mind.

somewhere along the line i seriously messed up.
i wasn't supposed to feel this way about you for this long.
i was always scoffing at the hearts and chocolates that accompanied february 14,
telling my friends love didn't exist,
groaning when they suggested a romantic film to watch.
but somewhere in-between the sidelong glances and the furtive smiles,
i fell for you.
now i want the hearts and chocolates and february 14,
believe love could truly happen,
watch every romantic film from start to finish.
and i'm still falling.
and i can't stop.

i tried getting over you the other day.
i told my friend that i thought your friend
was cute.

for some reason i thought that maybe you'd hear
and make a scene professing your love for me
and i'd turn my back in cinematic fashion saying
you missed your chance.

but that didn't happen.

instead
the next day i woke up
and there you were beneath my eyelids
and you were there when i opened them too
and when i actually saw you
there was that familiar ache in my chest
the one that makes it fairly impossible to breathe.

it didn't work either.
that same day i no longer thought your friend
was cute.

it's like you've laid claim on me
without your knowledge.

funny how
one person can go from
a stranger on the street
to the one
that hangs the stars
in your sky
and then back again.

you can't quite seem
to put your finger on it.
and there doesn't seem to be
a name for it:

what do you call it when
he smiles
and you can physically feel
your heart dropping
into your stomach?

what do you call it when
he looks at you
and your breath catches
in your throat?

what do you call it when
he walks into a room
and nothing else
can draw your attention
away from the tall beautiful figure
making its way
through the door?

do you call it love?
or something else entirely?

i love it when you
brush the back of your hand
across my cheek
trace your finger along the nape of my neck
search every contour of my body
like a map
draw cities and landscapes
on my stomach
my arms
sending chills up my spine
raising mountains on my skin
and i know you can feel my smile
against your mouth
just like i can feel yours
and nothing has every made me happy
like the bliss that nighttime can bring
and i dread the rising sun
because in the morning
you're always gone.

tonight i was going to tell you
that the universe exists in your eyes

that yours are the only words
i’ll let into my head
curling around my brain like smoke
and settling into the dark corners
who have never heard something
so beautiful before

that love isn’t just a placeholder anymore
for the moments you make me smile
but rather a creature that
dances, dances, dances with a purpose

that someone somewhere
is looking down on us
smiling at the beautiful mess he created

tonight i was going to whisper
all these things softly
into the small space on your neck
where my lips find solace

but you weren’t ready to hear them

you are the water spot
after the car has been sitting out
for too long
once the rain has ceased
and no matter how hard i try
you won't go away
you just keep fading
and then coming back

you are the telemarketer
the one who keeps calling
even when i hang up
every time

it's this love
the kind that makes my chest ache
and travels all the way
                                         d
                                            o
                                               w
                                                   n
                                                       to my fingers

so i'll continue
leaving my car out in the rain
picking up the phone
because i never want you to leave

ever so slowly
winter folds into spring
who stretches its arms in the air
yawning after a much needed sleep.
the first flowers line my sidewalk
the birds sit side by side
on the telephone wire outside my window
and the grass grows
underneath the palms of my hands.
seasons change
and i love the warmth of the new sun
but my darling
i'm still cold without you.