you could talk for hours,
until your last words
run into your first words,
until the sun
accidentally bumps into the moon,
until your eyelids
slowly drift down,
and i would still want to listen.

i spent the first couple years of my youth
with my arms crossed tight around my stomach,
arranging myself in the mirror to see which ways
would make others see me how i wanted them to,
twisting my body into shapes it wasn’t designed for,
trying to find some semblance of beauty.

you kiss the creases where my body folds in on itself,
the marks where the skin on my thighs
stretches apart, not quite reaching itself,
the tangled mess that is my hair,
and you still find it somewhere within yourself
to tell me that i am the very semblance of beauty.

i’ll kiss another’s lips
to get the taste of yours
off of mine

and it was difficult at first,
the way he and i kept
bumping our mouths together,
because all i could remember
was the way ours used to
shape together

i wasn’t anticipating
his next move,
but rather waiting on yours

my own body was
turning against me

but i’ll learn the contours,
the curves,
the give and take
of someone else’s embrace,
because i know
that’s the path i need to take
to make my body my own,
and no longer yours

i deserve that much

maybe if i was
planted in the ground,
given light
and enough water,
i could grow
and be beautiful too,
but i am a person,
not a flower.

tonight i’ll leave
the window open
because the summer air
feels fresh and new,
full of possibility

tonight i’ll sleep
without the covers
because the blankets
weight down on me
like regret
and suffocate my skin

tonight i’ll listen
to my entire music collection
and laugh at
the songs that used to
make me cry,
the ones that
reminded me of you

tonight i’ll throw caution
to the wind
and tell that boy
that i love him
because you taught me
exactly
what love wasn’t

tonight i’ll stay up
until my eyes shut themselves
because i have nowhere
to be
in the morning light

tonight i’ll finally
discover myself

“turn it up,” your friend said
that day in my car,
and you told him that
i don’t ever play my music loud,
like i was some sort of killjoy,
the rain on everyone’s parade;
like you were me and you knew why
i did the things that i did.

truth was,
i was so in love with you
that i wanted to hear every word,
every single breath that
came out of your mouth
without anything drowning you out;
i wanted the air to be filled with
beautiful conversation,
not with meaningless noise;
but you’d rather have listened to
someone else’s voice
than to the sound of mine.

i met a boy
who recently took me out,
and i could see the volume in his
dashboard turned all the way down,
and we talked and talked
without the need to fill the silence;
and now i know that i need someone
who will want to soak up my words
like they are sustenance,
who will sing along not to the radio
but to the notes and tones
in my voice.

someone who is
the complete opposite of you
in every aspect.

i wish time was able to go backwards:
we only got to have one kiss
before the earth shattered
and crumbled to pieces around us,
and i can’t help but think of all
the other ones we could have shared.
i want to go back to when you and i
were fused into one being,
but i keep overthinking
and stepping in my own way.
i don’t want you to be a vacation,
but a permanent home.
you left your mark on my heart:
just know that
you’re the one to whom
i compare everyone else in my life
who tries to fill the void
that you left behind,
the one you hung your name on.

you say my name
because you need to tell me something
or to ask me a question,
things of that nature,
never because you just feel like it,
but even so,
the way your lips form around the word,
the way it rolls off your tongue,
it takes me breath away.

i say your name
because i'm telling everyone i know
about something you did
that made me smile
even though they've heard it a million times before,
or i'm answering the question
that's on everyone's mind,
as you're the answer for everything,
the only answer i'll ever need.

i want to say your name for the rest of time.
don't you want to say mine?

they played our song today, and it all came rushing back to me, all at once, like i'd stood up too fast: there i was, sitting next to the raging bonfire, chilled to the bones, despite its incessant warmth; and there you were, across from me, distant, despite the skin on our hands kissing intimately; and there you went, drunkenly stumbling away toward your friends, toward something better, singing at the top of your lungs a song that i wanted you to whisper solely to me.
and he asked me how a guy like you could break my heart, and i told him i was in too deep: i was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and you were at the top, hollering down to me; and all the anger, the lust, the frustration, every twisted emotion you ever made me feel, came to a boil, bubbling over my surface and out onto my tear-stained cheeks; and i wondered, after almost a year, how you still had this kind of hold on me, when i'd told you goodbye and meant it, how you could get me to feel something i thought i'd forgotten, how i was quick to defend you like you never defended me.
but no more.
i've had enough.

i think i may love you
but i don't want you
seeing my chewed-up fingernails,
or my hair standing straight up
first thing in the morning,
or the way i cry
over everything,
or how i care way too little
and way too much
at the same time,
because i fear you may figure out
i'm not who i'm trying to be.

i bought that book for you,
and marked my favorite pages,
and highlighted my favorite lines,
all so you could know
the colors that were bursting
from inside me,
the things i always wanted to say
but never knew how;
but you never got the chance
to delve in and explore
the words that mirrored
those that were
running through my mind;
you never took the time
to know me as i am,
and not as you wanted me to be;
but there’s a part of me
grateful that you didn’t
and won’t ever be able to,
because i’m saving that moment,
saving myself,
for a boy who will actually care.

you know
when you find someone
who can make your hands
shake
who can make your heart
collapse
who makes you want
to scream
and cry
and laugh
because that someone
is who you've been searching for
all this time?
for me,
that's you.
for you,
that's her.