I have never lost someone. until now. Death must be worse. I don’t know what it truly feels like to loose someone that you love. Someone that you have put so much of yourself into. To only have one person carry the burden of all the beautiful days you spent together. Whether it’s a parent, a lover, a friend, or a sibling. A loss of such a magnitude cannot merely fade. It must create a crater in the survivor. A deep wound that creates a void. And we all know that the universe hates the void and must fill it. It fills that void with tears and sometimes addiction and depression. Eventually if you make it through the pain, other people fill the void in your life. New friends, a new lover, a mentor, or perhaps a heightened sense of self. Sometimes you feel the presence of the one you lost. And you feel them loving you even though their body is gone. But when you loose someone and they are violently cut out of your life but continue to live their own separate one as if you were never connected, this is a barren alien place. Dare i say worse then death? I won’t be sure till i have experienced that and perhaps i hope it isn’t worse because i don’t know if i can survive much more. I can, and I will but I will never choose this. This pain that eats at my life. It hides in the corners of my eyes. It seeps into my dreams. It infects every happy place and basks in the sun of my day dreams causing me to slink back into the shadows. Because when death divides us from what we love, there is no communication except for what is left behind. But whatever is left behind; words, memories, pictures, spaces, they are infused with the sacred. It is sad but still pure. They still love you somewhere right? They meant all the things they said. They cared.

But death does not divide me. So i could talk to the person i am loosing. But they have stopped caring. Maybe they never did. If i had died then i would never have been forgotten. That’s what he told me that day by the river when the smoke burned my eyes and the cold clung to my skin and the other two were wondering the path of new beginnings. He said if i were to die he would not see the point in carrying on. Friend or Lover he didn’t care. He just wanted to be there as i padded along the path of uncertainty. But he changed or maybe I did too. The love in his voice was slowly replaced by desire and impatience. The care in his actions were replaced by responsibility and entitlement. And when his wildest fantasies were scheduled into his calendar and ticked off like a to do list, crammed in with other little dates and times, then i was not the first and only love of his life but the girl who embarrassed him at parties. So death, though you come for us all and most say you come too soon. Perhaps you have come too late. Too late at least to turn this simple boy into a star crossed lover. He was in disguise and i believed it. He wore a pretty mask. He still is disguised even to himself. He pretends to be good and nobel and misunderstood. But he lacks dimensions and most of all he lacks Limerence. Limerence, the ability to maintain love. So i have lost someone, but not to death or even distance. I have lost someone to reality. Because if he really loved me he would never have let this be our ending.