My heart dies, an ancient awful death inside this chamber of silence.
I forgot what's it like to trust whole-heartedly in someone, or something to raise my hands and close my eyes and know know for absolute certain what the story is, that I'm acting in and how it ends.
When I go every week to sit in pews to remind myself what I'm supposed to be believing I can't even sing. The words fall like raindrops and needles soaking and bleeding my eyes as I read them, my anxiety overflows.
Here I stand empty and coming here adds emptiness to my emptiness till I'm carrying around more containers than I can hold. They're strapped to my back and my chest and my feet and I can hardly believe no one notices.
How do they not see all the rain that never hits the ground?
I stopped coming to this place for answers, they're too hard to find and I'm starting to believe they may not exist.
So I sit here with my questions burning holes in my heart, or maybe they're openings? Sometimes they hurt so bad I can't stand it anymore. And sometimes I just listen, resting my aching soul on someone else's trust for a minute.
If I can't believe anymore, than maybe someone else can
It's a funny thing giving up or almost giving up but at the last second finding a touch of peace or grace and turning the whole train around.
The stillness scares me and haunts me yet it's the only place I feel safe. It's become my new home, here in the dark with little flashes of light sometimes coming in around the edges. The quiet here is calming a cool balm to my wounds little shelves for my questions to rest upon in this waiting place that's become my friend, my solace my hope.
When I leave here the room fills up with panic, coming in on all sides with teeth and razors and voices screaming and judging and trying to fix what can't be fixed, and I'm not even sure is even broken.
This is the end. This is the end of where everything that was can take me, and if I step over this line will it be gone forever? Or will I come back around?
Will there be a time when the stillness leaves, and light floods my darkness? Or will I only know sparks and sputters from now till...
Some days I can live with that, most days. And every once in a while I'll come across pure trust. Certainty. And I want to whisper to that person
Stay here. Cherish this. Because when it's gone, it's ******* gone
And maybe it's an illusion in the first place, but it's still nice. I can't go back to black and white, and I wouldn't, if I had the choice. But sometimes I wish I could have that peace of mind that isn't built on paradox or mystery liminality, the in between.
But here I am wading in and out following the waves to the edge, or the center I can't be sure. Surprised by who I meet floating along out here. Maybe my little boat can bump into your's and we can just breathe, knowing someone else feels this same suffocating peace.
And sitting around the table we can be together in our aloneness. And if we can't touch a little bit of light, we can at least sit together in the darkness.