the sky used to mean something
used to feel heavy
when it rained
but now it just drips down glass, slides past a stranger’s eyes at the bus stop
there was a time when color mattered
when blue was a bruise or a breath
now it’s just blue
I try to remember what warmth meant
not the physical, not the sun on skin
the other kind
the hush in a voice, the linger of a glance but it’s gone
or maybe buried under layers of noise
I didn’t ask for news headlines,
forgotten passwords,
unpaid parking tickets
thoughts used to come like rivers, now they’re dust motes caught in a shaft of light only visible for a second, then nothing
I sat in a chair this morning
and forgot why
then forgot that I had forgotten
that felt important somehow
but I didn’t write it down
didn’t care to
even tears feel tired now
they know they won’t mean anything
no one sees them, not even me
I wipe them out of habit
I keep thinking I used to love someone
or something
but the shape of it’s gone,
I'm trying to remember a dream an hour too late
only the weight lingers
not the image
sometimes I laugh
but it’s not laughter
it’s muscle memory
When my my mouth is impersonating a better time
I want to scream
but the scream won’t come
it's just a breath
that never sharpens just fades
and maybe
that’s what I’ve become
not broken
not whole
just fading.