being sober feels like living in a shell
that doesn’t show who I am.

when I drink, I feel like a true human being,
like I am alive.

Suddenly, emotions flood me, and they feel real,
my heart beats in a rhythm beyond words.
It is an addictive warmth that spreads
in my body,

you could say it is like a disease,
but to me it feels like salvation.

love feels closest to my soul,
I feel like someone who belongs.
Not when I am sober.
sober, I am caged,
a cage I cannot escape.

a sickening guilt gnaws at me,
because I am my father’s daughter,
an alcoholic, not to his extent.
yet still I drink,
alone, without friends,
without sense.

I live in solitude, the only way it feels right.
the preacher at church
told me when I was eleven:
I wear my father’s sins like a veil,
as if I was born with it.

so maybe I don’t just look like him.
maybe I will become
what he regrets the most.