Am I selling my soul to the corporate world in a vain pursuit of future financial stability? Should I have bought my future with what little I had and spent it growing my skills in music and writing so that I could know they were not wasted? Should I give up on this new work-from-home desk job where I'm paid commission and weekly bonuses and won't see the residual income from renewals for thirteen months? Can't I have something stable that doesn't bore me to death, and something exciting that doesn't turn my anxiety to an 11? I've never had a balance--every job has been one or the other. And yet, as I yearn for a career in music, I recall my past where I majored in songwriting and couldn't handle college and I sigh and realize that jumping to a music job wouldn't "fix" me. No matter what I'm doing, I will need to have perseverance, and patience, yes, but also motivation and drive to improve myself. These struggles that I face now at this job are the same ones that I've always struggled with--they're part of me still. And I've always blamed the job for not being a good fit-- and some of them weren't, true--but that wasn't the root of it.
A job that is worth doing will take effort and drive and no worthy income comes by barely getting by and doing the bare minimum in order to escape a scolding. I need to change my mindset in order to grow above this-- this swamp of complacency, this mire of despondent weakness, this misty swath of ambiguous feelings that have dictated my actions for far too long. No. I'll sit and get to work knowing that I am securing a future for myself, my husband, and family and that one day, I will have time to create art in any way I want but right now, I have a lesson to learn about working hard and rising to the challenge. Don't let me forget. I can't look back now. Up I go, to new heights where the fearful me thought the risks were too great. Up I go, to climb my mountain and win this battle, and the next, until I'm out of the doldrums and onto the path that advances before me.