Jul 2020
Dad,
Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.
Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.
At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.
I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.
At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.
At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.
But even love can’t make room in busy.
At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.
But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.
At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.
No one cried for me.
At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.
Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.
I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.
I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.
But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.
At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.
Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.
Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.
Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.
At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.
I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.
At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.
At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.
But even love can’t make room in busy.
At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.
But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.
At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.
No one cried for me.
At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.
Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.
I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.
I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.
But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.
At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.
Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.
