so the Bible said
Adam and Eve
not Adam and Steve
or Eve and Stacy
or anything else in between
i sat in church last Sunday
and unknowingly, as the priest spoke
i got a
headache.

let me tell you about someone who spoke
jackhammer
into my bones and nails in my skin
how we want to go to sleep
but cant
because the way her texts sound in my head
keep my body from making more melatonin
she is way too bright
to stay in my life

i get home everyday and my family asks me
if i've met a good man yet
they started dating at 16, they said
if you don't find a boyfriend soon
people might think you're gay, they said
my mother's voice sound like
ice-pick on grass, silent and blunt
tears out chunks of me every time she swings
my father makes gay jokes at the dinner table
saying how ***** they can be
blame the victim for the disease
and i can't keep living this double life

let me tell you about a girl
all jack-hammered sunflower
light green footsteps on rose
her laugh is so unforgettable
i forgot how to speak sunday
let me tell you about a girl
so ******* gorgeous
get-anyone-to-do-anything
got me wrapped around her finger
golden guardrail with my grasping for my life
her every sentence an adventure
every moment together seemed to defy time

i still life with my parents
still surrounded
seeing stained glass sundays
heteronormativity in the carpets
we went to a different church last week
and the Gospel called me out
said that to love is to love
and to be loved is to loved
so why, God, did you will me into existence
when love isn't my strongest sense?

three pews across mine
a familiar flair of blue and white
the hymns of yellow and jackhammer spark
we lock our eyes and she unlocks my heart
with a smile
let me tell you about someone
who spoke jackhammer and conviction
all rainbow and bleeding
her every step lift step
turn
spreading color into places that didn't believe in their existence

maybe someday i wouldn't have to live on a tightrope
and i could open my mouth and let her name fall off my tongue
without worrying why and who threw the first brick at Stonewall

maybe someday
i could come home with her in hand
let her speak jackhammer blaze into my walls
and renovate the way my parents know me
change the pattern in our floorboards
switch the vocabulary in their speech
but that's someday, not today
so i will pretend to speak sunday
and beg forgiveness in someone who i'm told doesn't tolerate me
while i wait for these jackhammer to break down these walls
and instead of us fighting
let everything else
fall.



copyright | ianne.