my past is filled with oedipal encounters: many men i needed to rival
today i unintentionally travelled (really?) today i involuntarily travelled (no way) today i travelled into my past:
memories of many men that i needed to rival. due to my fatherless childhood i didn't have a man to compete against; that's why i JUMPED at countless chances to do so. none of these conflicts happened by chance.
i picked strangers to compete against. but then there was this day. a certain day. a secret night.
since then, i have gradually and later on gently overcome my need to compete.
i was bewildered today because i competed against another man. why?
out of the dark, i developed an affection for a woman younger than me; a brief moment of ****** interest. the competitor involved walked her home after a meeting the three of us had been together.
while they were strolling down the street, i followed them. i wanted to see what they were doing. i wanted to observe how they observed each other's attraction.
did so for a couple of minutes; they didn't take notice of me; or they were playing dead while their mouths were overfilled with squishing sounds of saliva.
and then –– as promptly as old patterns of rivalry had emerged –– i lost my affection for this young woman.
affection left my soul like a spirit leaves a dead body. the affection vanished into thin air since it couldn't find a shelter in my soul. so this wired affection went on a quest for another creature.
i didn't say goodbye. just wrote something down.
Inspiration for this poem gained from YouTube: "Native American Flute Music: Meditation Music for Shamanic Astral Projection, Healing Music"