Im now 20,

and sympathize those in the same age category as me

----

The painful

insanely, mechanical yet dizzying push to be

--something --
titles, names, high status nothingness
Yet, we search

every corner we turn to
say
Is this it?
Security, Purpose, a treasure trove of possibility
find me - you - me - you see?
Did you land here on my lap, perfectly?

Today this is it
But, then Tomorrow blows up
Like an a unpredictable field mine.
In my precious heart, that thought it knew
it was right, right?

And this pressure crushes me
And somedays I feel so lonely

Yet, this insane pressure
To be this mold
And hold this space to be a list
And the uncertainty
Unfamiliarity
It literally crushes me
In it's silence, yet ferocious noise that pounds in my skull

The wild voice,
It drives us insane,
And drains me with this internal pain

That 'I will never be enough'

That....

--money, not enough
-- my schooling, not enough
-- my experience, not enough
-- my materials, not enough
-- my social circle, not enough


And this pain of enoughness is stuffing me with fear
So I try to turn every direction
Scattered, and seared with this
Deep insanity to grab it all

Yet, we sometimes fill ourselves with doubt
that pushes us to a dangerous, unforgiving - edgde

Yet, after being broken down by the day
vulnerablity blossoms
Honestly, I say - where do I go?

Now?

I search, plea, beg..
I grip tightly,
asking - pleading for guidance