this is a poem to my dad 

if you are reading this 

I'm sorry 

but 

in this poem  

I will just be typing my feelings 

and seeing what happens

seeing what monstrous words crawl out from the cracks of my crumbling

empty 

heart 

Fathers 

Fathers protect you 

Fathers raise you 

Fathers make you a good person 

they set a good example

and for the most part 

you've done that 

and I am extremely grateful 

but... 

the other half of our almost 18-year coexistence 

you've made me feel things 

bad things 

dark dark 

things 

and thoughts

dad, I love you 

but I can tell 

that you do not feel the same

about me 

sure you might have raised me 

and dealt with the monsters under the bed

in the closet 

in my head 

but for the past 18 years 

I have felt a burning bright red rage and hatred 

cutting my heart in two 

and I could never pinpoint why or how it started 

maybe it is my mere existence that triggers this 

maybe you're finally realizing I am a machine that you can't fix 

so you yell at me for not fixing myself even though I don't know how or what's broken, to begin with 

perhaps 

it's my smile 

my eyes 

my heart 

my mind 

I do not know 

maybe you hate me because I ruined your wife's life 

with my existence 

my personality 

whatever it is 

I don't know

but I just know you hate me 

dad 

you make me feel as though 

I. am. nothing 

and if you make ME feel that way 

I can only imagine how my mother feels 

having been married to you all this time

you make me feel ugly 

I don't know why maybe 

that's just me being me 

broken 

and damaged 

you make me feel sad 

when you say 'don't expect me too' 

it makes me feel betrayed in a way

you make me feel angry 

by the way, you treat my mother at times 

my mom is a saint for dealing with you 

she deals with your ice cold heart 

your anger 

your screaming that I can hear over my Hamilton blaring from my headphones 

that I have blasting to block out the noises of the angry voices of the people that once put me to sleep

you make me feel inadequate 

whenever I can't meet your increasingly high standards 

whenever you ask about my math grades 

and you focus on my math and nothing else

y'know dad I took a marine biology course 

and passed it 

just so I could 

FINALLY 

earn just the tiniest amount of respect from you 

but

I didn't 

my grade was too low

too low 

they're always too low

and they're never good enough 

for you 

and your standards 

I don't think I'll ever be able to meet those standards 

imagine this 

I am a world class gymnast 

or in a p.e. class 

without my physical limitations of course

and I have to do  a pull up 

I jump up to grab the shining pole 

the praise 

the admiration 

the respect 

but I miss and fall back to the ground 

failure 

but that doesn't stop me from trying again 

I jump again this time the bar is etched with geometric equations   and it's higher 

my hands grasp it for a minute and then quickly 

let go once again

another fail

I try 

and try 

and try 

but no matter how high I jump up 

I always fall 

always fail 

to others, I'm doing great

they're so proud 

proud of me 

but not you 

no matter what I do

nothing is good enough for you 

dad, I hope these words 

finally, drill through your thick skull 

but I know they won't   

nothing ever will 

I'm just being optimistic

dad

why am I writing this? 

you ask 

well I'll tell you why dad 

I was talking to my boyfriend 

as the sun laid down and rested it's tired head painting the sky orange and pink waiting for the night shift 

and he was attempting to help me get my mic to not be quiet 

and I felt rage bubbling over the surface like a hot soup 

and I yelled 

hung up 

and sobbed 

I called back a few seconds a few minutes later 

apologizing profusely 

I realized dad 

that I started to sound like you 

screaming 

angry 

frustrated and I also realized 

I NEVER want to make someone feel the way you make me feel ever!

when I finally move out of the little nest of love 

drama 

family 

and happiness you and mom built 

I don't know if I will want to associate all that much 

not with you anyway

sure

if MOM invites me 

to a party 

to a dinner 

I will go and talk to you as little as possible 

  and I know one child has done that before 

and I know it hurts 

but you have made me feel this way for nearly 18 years 

and you can't just recover instantly from that kind of ****

now YOU must try and grasp the high bar to try and regain my trust

goodbye dear readers 

goodbye dad I hope you finally get it 

love your daughter