when i was young
burning white hot embers of cloud and dust
captured my mind
looking up at the night sky
brought me comfort
joy
endless stars lit up in the eyes of my loving mother
and the ones who loved me
stars
took me from this world
and I was transported to a blissful serenity

as night fell
at the age of 14
I was comforted by a familiar friend
a black hole
I aimlessly wandered
to find an exit with no exit sign
an unsettling presence of relentless pain
manifested into a darker presence
that wrapped around me
in a close embrace
darkness turned into depression
depression created ripples in my peace
a rip tide that drug me out
further and further
away from the shore of solid ground
that was my peace
but the stars
burned brightly
illuminating the sky
on those sleepless nights
created a story of happiness
a world without pain
no screams in my head
that forced me into demented parts of my inner mind
screams that had no ending
worthless
no one loves you
manifested into the words that were thrown in my space
by heartless souls
ones I called friends
but this was a safe haven
and no one could hurt me there

at the age of 17
darkness was no longer my friend
it was a demon that would steal who I was
who I was before a cunning smile
and burning hell fire in his eyes
that whispered sweet words i wanted to hear
but meant nothing in a monotone voice
the stars I looked forward to at night
died out
died out
as quickly as the love I thought I shared with another
the stars I loved
turned into bottles and pills on the floor
to forget what was taken from me
my innocence
and clarity of the reality around me
trapped me in a reality he perceived
that i was alone without him
and worthless without what he defined as love for me
underneath my starry friends
the gentle whispers of the wind
spoke stories to me I told him
the whispers of the wind
were quieted by
the screams
the cries
the howls that came from within
the galaxies I loved to study
were replaced by the coarseness of your fingers
studying what my body over my mind had to offer
the ground of the forest
cool on uncovered forearms
and miscellaneous leaves I found in my hair
were replaced by
a shaking body
that would bleed a crimson red
onto a brown painful ground
and clothes that would never fit right onto my body again
the stars showed
how frightful the night had become
when the face of a loved one
turned into a demon
his sinful fingers that painted black over the stars
and black and blue over my ivory skin
never again would the night be something I longed for
because it too
turned its back on me


but at the age of 19
the night sky would light up once again
but not the way I once loved it
the stars I adored in the sky when I was young
would be found in the eyes of my loved one
who only had undying love
and tenderness
the man I found myself in
happiness
hope
every piece of me I lost before
his deep honey dipped eyes
held more stars and galaxies than the night sky
they sparkled brighter than the stars I loved before
his eyes put Van Goughs starry night to shame
because nothing can compare to the way his star filled eyes whisper I love you before his lips part