An electrical fence Lines the inside of my body Within it I can feel The semblance of emotions As they throw themselves Furiously against the wires Electric tremors flare through my limbs Waves of whispered feelings Tear through my muscles Begging and screaming for me To let them live and breathe freely But my mind tells me not to It says I can't trust my feelings And if I am not my emotions Then I can still trust myself I'm told that feeling is dangerous That it hurts other people more Than not feeling hurts me And how can I argue with that? But the feelings keep screaming They keep scratching at the floor and Infuriating their essence with electricity Please just let me be Please just set me free I'm suffocating under the pressure Ripping apart from this tug of war My brain promises that I'm fine My feelings say that's a lie All I know is that I'm tired I just want a break I can't fight like this forever And it's not just me While I'm exhausted and in pain Those around me don't see They think this is just me But I can't connect to them With my emotions behind bars Theres no room for empathy No room for intimacy I am alone Yet I can't feel lonely What a well-oiled machine This human without feelings
Due to trauma, I have developed a coping mechanism to shut down my emotions. This is not longer helpful and it hurts me. I'm learning to break it down and let myself feel, but it takes time and until then this is how it feels.