It hurts to love,
But hurts even more to leave.
Every night in my dreams i see these two roads winding towards the horizon.
My feet itch to choose a path, yet i always wake up without a decision.
Do I free myself, yet stay awake at night haunted by who he's holding tonight?
Or cry myself to sleep, comforted that he's still mine for a little while longer?

I choose him again and again. As I weigh the pros and cons I try to imagine how long the pain lasts for each choice. I choose him as I think this will blow over.
He'll change today.
It'll be different today.
He'll change today.
It'll be different today.
I sit on the beach and close my eyes under the sun day after day and let it burn, because I believe a wave will wash over me soon enough.

And it does. And it doesn't.
Some days, weeks, the sun never touches me.
Some days, weeks, the sun is all I feel.

He tells me he loves me. I truly wonder what love means to him. I never ask, as I'm afraid that our definitions wouldn't match.
And if they didn't, would that mean that he does not love me? Or am I not being loved the way I want to be?

I feel empty. I give everything I have and never receive my end of the bargain. I have nothing else to give yet constantly try to reach into my soul and pull something out. I think this time I'll get something. This time it'll happen. This time it'll be fair. I just need to give a little more. I just need to sacrifice a little more. I'm just not doing enough.

But I know now, that some people love to take. And take. And take. And take. And never let anything go.

I know now that some people are so privileged to be loved so wholeheartedly, to have so much that they can't bear giving any of it away.

Like children, they abuse their privileges and throw tantrums when it's taken away. They don't want to earn it. They just want it given.

Is it so hard? Is it honestly so hard?

*******.