At some point in college I was dating my first long-term girlfriend She knew about my being trans But we didn't talk about it too much Sometime during that period She told me that She didn't think that she could Stay with me if I made the choice To take hormones Or to get bottom surgery At that point in my life I didn't want to lose her or that love So I decided that I didn't want those things anymore That I felt good enough without them Now that it's been a few years I'm just realizing that I lied to myself I chose to repress those desires In order to preserve my relationship And it took three years after that To even realize what I'd done to myself