Jul 2018
Chapter 18 is coming to a close soon
And with it comes
The beginning of the next
Featuring a new setting
New characters
And new potential for growth
When I think of the novel of my life
And how short a story it could have been
And how the main characters
Have changed over the years
I always end up
Back in study hall
During lonely chapters 15 and 16
And think of how
The only thing I studied
In that hour and a half every week
Was a dark hallway in my mind
Where each door I opened
Lining the walls on either side
Held the darkest thoughts of my life
Thoughts of how I could end it
All too soon
My study hall was filled with studying
All the ways I wished I could just stop breathing
And when I look back on it now
All I think of
Is how the one person who was there for me
Can't stand me
Because I was a mistake
Our two years together was a mistake
She says
And I don't want to believe it's true
But deep down I think I was a mistake too
And my own parents didn't notice
The numb machine their son had become
But they get worried when I stop talking to them now
Because I realized that I have nothing to say
To the people I share a home with
Because they
Know nothing about me
And the person I've become
But they try to enforce
Their irrelevant morals
While invading my privacy
And destroying any trust
I can't wait to get out of this house
And for someone to finally tell me
That I can breathe
Because
I am suffocating
Whenever I try
To reach out to the people who raised me
I am always
Always
Always
Reminded of why I don't
I reached critical mass the other day
Finally had enough
Of the way my brain works
Like a broken record
Playing nothing but white noise
And reached out to get the help
That I can't provide myself
And they swatted my hand away
And gave me a band-aid
In the form of a five minute talk
To cover a wound
A lifetime long
That I have been trying
To stitch together
On my own
For years
But it's fine
In the classical story arc every character
Faces hurdles along the way
And soon the next chapter of my life will begin
Just please
Won't someone
Just tell me that I can breathe?
And with it comes
The beginning of the next
Featuring a new setting
New characters
And new potential for growth
When I think of the novel of my life
And how short a story it could have been
And how the main characters
Have changed over the years
I always end up
Back in study hall
During lonely chapters 15 and 16
And think of how
The only thing I studied
In that hour and a half every week
Was a dark hallway in my mind
Where each door I opened
Lining the walls on either side
Held the darkest thoughts of my life
Thoughts of how I could end it
All too soon
My study hall was filled with studying
All the ways I wished I could just stop breathing
And when I look back on it now
All I think of
Is how the one person who was there for me
Can't stand me
Because I was a mistake
Our two years together was a mistake
She says
And I don't want to believe it's true
But deep down I think I was a mistake too
And my own parents didn't notice
The numb machine their son had become
But they get worried when I stop talking to them now
Because I realized that I have nothing to say
To the people I share a home with
Because they
Know nothing about me
And the person I've become
But they try to enforce
Their irrelevant morals
While invading my privacy
And destroying any trust
I can't wait to get out of this house
And for someone to finally tell me
That I can breathe
Because
I am suffocating
Whenever I try
To reach out to the people who raised me
I am always
Always
Always
Reminded of why I don't
I reached critical mass the other day
Finally had enough
Of the way my brain works
Like a broken record
Playing nothing but white noise
And reached out to get the help
That I can't provide myself
And they swatted my hand away
And gave me a band-aid
In the form of a five minute talk
To cover a wound
A lifetime long
That I have been trying
To stitch together
On my own
For years
But it's fine
In the classical story arc every character
Faces hurdles along the way
And soon the next chapter of my life will begin
Just please
Won't someone
Just tell me that I can breathe?
I can't wait to start college...
