"But why do you still love him?"

The question runs through my mind
trampling all my other thoughts
its syllables intertwining in the lyrics of songs
I can no longer listen to
without forming black trails
all over my cheeks.

The truth is I do not have an answer.
I believe it will be one of the things in my life
which I will never have an answer to,
along with
"How did we end up like this?"
and
"What the hell did I do to deserve it?"

The only thing I do know
is that I loved you.
I loved you so deeply that your name
is now engraved on my heart
forever imprinted as its first owner.
I loved you so madly that you became
my every thought
and I think a hell of a lot.
I loved you with every ounce of my soul
my entire being and more
if that's even possible.

And when people ask me how I knew it was love
I laugh and roll my eyes,
because how could I not have known?

If you had been the rain
I would have run out into a storm
barefoot and without a raincoat
so that I would have been able to be with you
without any barriers.
If you had been the sun
I would have gone to the beach
and sunbathed for weeks on end
just to absorb as much of you as possible.
If you had been the wind
I would have let you blow through my hair
tangling it in every direction
so that I would have some form of memory of you.

I also know that our love was beautiful
and it was kind
and I needed it as much as the air that I breathe.
It was not perfect
and it was one hell of a ride
but what's life without a bit of a rollercoaster?

I will never know for sure if you ever loved me  
as strongly, and as wildly as I love(d) you
but I do know that you loved me
and that is enough.
Thank you for making me feel precious
like I was worth something
like I was worth loving.

You will forever have a place in my heart