Insufferable, black dawn - backlit, by everything, an eclipse to turn the grass dark
the clouds
grey.

Tell me, the numbness I dread - is this it? Because part of me knows the inevitability of death, understands it's the cycle of rebirth
but part of me
calls out with ferocious aches like I'm going to ***** on this **** field
And all I need to know is
why.

I'm sorry - I was an *******, belligerent teenage **** head. Insecure enough
to cut you out completely -

But this exposure is sinking fast,
dim the whites,
render everything to shadow -

I'm clutching at straws, if straws
are a single orange street light
cutting into your profile outline
like a knife ; I'm talking about dean
who I used to replace you

All these men, used to replace you.

Sky, ultramarine - sometimes white if I'm looking forward in time at the dim instagram aesthetic I created on the backbone of a life without you
Moaning at the bottom of the stairs,
waking me up every **** morning (that's why I hated your voice but hell, did I know I needed it)

I'm sitting at the front of your funeral, daddy  - they're praying for me like they Think
I'm not some sick witch
who doesn't need God to be a free man,

some sick impersonal ego-ridden funeral,
I keep forgetting you're dead
and that's been my coping mechanism; these past weeks, moving everything I know from the Strand to Callington -

just ******* forget about it, move on
pretending I'm still that *****
That can walk barefoot and naked through hell and
live,

when you know, Daddy,
I'm an earthquake inside: a sickness sinking in the back of my throat -
eclipse, December sunrise, backlit, oblivion.