November 19th 2009 Marks the day I saw your spine Hit the floor for the very first time I only need people when I think I do I was a fool to think I needed you It’s the opposite of The Decemberists You needed me to make you better I blame myself for trying- And every time I walk in on you crying I think it’s something I did wrong The smell of your breath is still strong In the dreams I fail to dream as I watch what I once thought was steam sneak through your bedroom door I can still smell those chemical dreams as I do the leaves on that cold november day I found you lying in the den You were going to die I just didn’t know when I can see the red and blue flashing It’s making my innocence fade like flash photography in a museum Why can’t my life be preserved with a sign that says please don’t do this Too many signs for too many crimes I’d need one for each mistake you made I’d add another check to the chalkboard and remember my neck double wrapped around the umbilical chord I wonder if you loved me then but I remember that you didn’t Cause every time I try to read a book I look at the letters and they turn into something they are not Just like us when you’re drunk and I’m smoking *** I remember you never loved me at my monthly sonogram Holes in my kidneys not quite as big as the holes in your heart I was ****** over from the start 4 pounds and 11 ounces I could never stand up to you Pretending you did what you had to do Take another sip I dare you Maybe it’ll make you feel brand new And the next morning we’ll pretend it never happened because that’s what we always do I’ll ignore the broken glass that sat on my chest as I tried to sleep and stabbed my mind as I tried to dream About what we would be if I hadn’t found you that day in 2009 Would I still be doused in ignorance Would I still crave your attention Would I still be able to dream Would I be haunted by my own retention Would I drink a little less Would I drink a little more Would I still play in the leaves or believe you could be cured You need me to make you better and it has made me worse- I don’t throw out the **** I find in your purse- I shove it down and swallow but innocence tends to follow
If I were 4 pounds again I’d have a stronger mind I wouldn’t put any effort into being kind I was so small you should’ve thrown me in the trash I wouldn’t have to grow up in your mistakes tray of ash I close my eyes and I’m 9 years old seeing red and blue, 8 years later and disaster still reminds me of you