My deepest fear
is that
I will never be able to love him,
Wholly,
Completely,
As he has loved me.

I have a tendency to want
What I don't have
It's a terrible habit.
One that I want to ditch
I want nothing more than
To love him as unconditionally as he has loved me.

But I cannot forget the only
Real Love
I've had.
You and I met working at a summer camp your parents managed
You loved me too,
I could tell.
But we were in an open relationship

Where you were seeing
Mary Jane
Molly
Lucy
Nikki
and needed more than a little Liquid Courage to help.

Day tripping was your side job.

Even though you never treated me badly
I knew you would never quit.
Not for me.
Not for anyone.
But God only knew how much I loved you.

We were afraid that if we said those words
We'd scare the other away

Or maybe you didn't know what
Love felt like.
You knew you were supposed to pay for lunch,
Kiss me,
Open the door on occasion
But maybe we were just kindred spirits.

It sure as hell felt like it the night we met.
We talked nonstop for hours
A jumble of words and half begun stories
Jumping over each other
because we couldn't wait to tell the other about something.

I don't remember the next day
But I remember sneaking into the kitchen that night
to find the most disgusting hot pocket I had ever eaten
And then deciding to make chocolate chip pancakes instead

We (I) burnt them,
but we ate them anyways

I remember
I spent the whole night
waiting for you to kiss me.
Hoping I'd have the chance to taste the burnt chocolate on your lips.

The next day,
after we finished our work
We snuck down to the river while my dad was gone
And the kids were off on some activity

I don't remember how
But before we kissed
I remember being wrapped around your waist

I don't remember if I kissed you
or if you kissed me
But I remember what you said afterwards.

You said it like you saw the world in a new light
You held me
I stared at you
I had never seen eyes catch the light like your's do

I remember how when you looked at me
as the sun filtered through the trees,
My breath caught in my throat
And I saw the world in a new light

I remember how I loved you
I remember how I miss you