a thousand and three hundred days
since I first heard your name
spoken quietly in front of a busy classroom
your hair pulled back into a neat ponytail

common, I thought
fitting into that pocket of ordinary
another face I will forget
another voice that I will lose in a crowd

so with everyone else
I merely tapped the edge of my notebook
wishing that I could find a way to disappear
into the lines of my notebook pages

months passed and you were 15 steps away
I used to settle into a corner near you
but I never bothered to offer my words
someone else needed them
and I used to clutch her hands until she stopped crying

and I sang her lullabies
and I used to belong in the nook beside her feet
and I thought she was my everything
and nothing felt the way her touch did

but I remember that one time
that she was gone and I was lost
and I found my place by your feet
I found a corner I could breathe in

there was still a distance
for you weren't who I would search for
and we may have exchanged words
but they were emptier than my hands without her

we grew apart
because what was there to hold onto?
do we hold on to the similarities that are but trivial?
do we hold on to the way we used to grin at each other when our gazes met?

days went by, weeks, months
I found hands to clutch and arms to hold me together
within those four walls I found more
more than what our wood-enclosed space could offer

there were early morning talks with small biscuits
there were pieces I wrote over the forgotten places
there were bittersweet tears on sleeves
there were stories bounced around

your name was still there
somewhere between the whispers and the lost chapters
and all I could think was I knew you
or well, I used to

there were the glimpses of you through windows
there was the same smile shared
so far and yet nothing changed
so far and yet I kept remembering how I fit into your corner

and then something brought us together again
I did not want to start over
I did not want to say "hi" for the first time in a long time
but it felt like I didn't need it

soon enough we were sharing stories under tables
our jackets barely keeping out the chill
our hands wandering into each other like magnets
and for some sort of reason I never ran out of words

you knew my heart
knew the way it beat so tirelessly for someone
knew how I had to choose
knew how I smiled through the screen when I told you
and I knew yours

good morning and goodnight
every single day, no fail
all those words and laughs in between
all those things that you found out about first

2am sleepy conversations
with coffee in our systems and glitters on our legs
tired eyes and wrong words
the lure of sleep pulling us in

6am greetings
you say you've just woken up
and I am ready to leave
I ask you if I should bring anything
and you're too tired to remember

5pm checks
"are you going to do this?"
"nah, I'd rather sleep."
I tell you about his smile
And you tell me about the way he holds you

and slowly we get more comfortable with the silence
all of the little things we share through the quiet
all the lack of words that never feel empty
the understanding that we are more than what we tell each other

that one time I could've really held you
with the colored lights too blinding and the music too loud
but I didn't mind any of them
since the moment I saw you

but he took you away
and I kept shouting in protest
and it didn't feel fair
but I forgot about it too soon anyways

I spent most of the night
trying to keep myself upright
holding onto the hands that took mine
trying to find you in the mess

and there was another time
when I told him to look for you
when he came back and told me you were with someone else
and my heart broke for him

and after that you realized that you really didn't know me
it was the first time we really fought
I was sobbing and you said words I never thought I would hear from you

then there was the unbearable silence
and only then did I realize that it was destructive
the way I needed to talk to you
because there was nothing but loneliness in the absence

I thought I would never get you back
I was afraid of so much
for the first time in a while
there was nothing but tears

and you came back
you held me and embraced me and told me everything I wanted to hear

I sang to you the songs I drunkenly remember
I wrote again after a lifetime of deleted drafts
I found my corner once more

but with that
I found out
that you were in love
I should've been happy
but something was wrong

and every day that you tell me about him
I die a little bit inside
but I will be happy
because that's all I should really be

sometimes your hand wanders into mine
sometimes I can tell you I love you until you fall asleep
sometimes your head is on my shoulder and I know it belongs there
sometimes I pretend that you can be mine

one thousand and three hundred days
and I know your name anywhere.