I don't know what it is
that shackles my ankles and my arms and my heart to the bed
that every time I have to get up I feel like I leave a piece of me behind
that every time I see sunlight I can feel weight on me

and maybe things are okay
no rain taps on my windows
no shouting is heard through the walls
no devastating stories are to be heard

and the clunky shoes are not so bad today
and my jacket is freshly washed and warm
and everything is in its place
and the radio plays all the good songs
nothing is really wrong

and yet it is 8am and all I feel is the cold bite of the airconditioning and fear
fear that I can go wrong and all eyes will be on me
fear that they will be overly confident in who I am that they forget that I am human
fear that I have to keep this smile on for long

and yet it is 1pm and all I want is a hand to hold
so instead I write down my remaining notes
I try to pretend my life is put together
highlighting important words in my too-new planner

and yet it is 3pm and I try to lull myself to sleep
saying goodbye to who I'm talking to because it's only polite
listening to songs I know too well
trying to find a way to drown the scratchy lines in my mind

it is dark when I wake up
and I feel more exhausted than before
and there are messages for me waiting
and yet I don't answer them at all

I pull myself up and I stare at your name
it has been a while since we really talked
I don't want to start anything
since the last time, we only lasted for mere minutes

and I don't know how to handle losing the only one who really knew me
I don't know how many times I have tried and failed with you
but I know how you talk to people
and I know that you don't want to talk to me

dinner is not much better
they question the things I do and the places I go
so how can I explain
that I don't want to stay here
and be given the chance to be alone

they say that I can easily pass the exam
they say that I can do these things for sure
when I know that I will be lost there
and be the very first one to disappoint

and people keep saying hi
how are you?
what's up?
and I am tempted to tell them
but decide not to burden them with my darkness

I appreciate who they are
I appreciate the fact that they care
I love them for trying to connect with me
I love them for thinking about me, even for a moment

but why is it
that every time I tell them I'm doing better
I cry even more?

and it's 8:15pm and nothing is helping
not the jokes or the songs or the video clips
all I can think is how easy it could be to go
all I wonder is about who might notice first

if I fall from the graces of a heaven on earth
my everything crushing who I was
if I let my emptiness be filled with water instead
my words sinking with me

I told myself I wouldn't do that
I told myself I would never let myself get to that
yet here I am
my insides ripped out
the light I once knew gone

how can I tell people
that I hold hands because I am scared
needing to have someone to hold onto
needing to be reassured that they are there

how can I tell people
that I want to be held
held in the silence of all the words I forgot how to say
held despite of how I crumble

because I know that everything comes and goes
and yet this feeling has never left

and I don't know how to answer the question
are you okay?
when I don't know if anyone can hear my whispered
I'm not okay
and I don't know when I'll be.