Theres a disconnect right now from me and my relationships
But its just me
Its always just me
Its always just my head getting in the way of everything
I can’t be happy for too long before depression misses the stage
I can’t be calm for too long before anxiety decides to shine a light
And I can’t ever focus because adhd is just bouncing around
I’m incapable of thinking and feeling happiness
Because every time I do
I just shut it down
I’m so scared of new feelings and I’ve had depression my whole life
My depression has become my sleeping blanket
Its black and soft and darkens my world
But I keep it because my mother gave it to me when I was young
I used to be young
I used to see a future
But now all I see is a funeral for a girl who aged 20
Barely made it through university before deciding to take her life
Life is just so hard and stressful and I’m only 17
I’ve had depression my whole life and growing old just seems like a waste of time
Everything is a waste of time because even me breathing is a waste of breath
Everyone says that I shouldn’t deny the world of my greatness
But what if I lose the fake smile
What if I lose to ability to get out of bed
Because its 9pm right now and I already don’t wanna see the morning
I haven’t written in a month because my boyfriend is just always around
But now that its winter and he’s busy, I write again
I write about suicide
I write about depression
I write about anxiety
I write about adhd
But writing or talking or cuddling will never make it go away
My family will always be in the dark to how much I wanna die
My boyfriend will always push away the thought of me dying and avoid the topic because this actually scares him
My friends will always be worried when going to bed, that I’m not going to say ‘good morning’ the next day
I am just a burden
But I’m a burden who’s trying to stay alive but I think I’m failing