I...I want to sleep yet thoughts run through my brain...
I can't...
They prohibit me from gaining rest..
Loosing those I care about
The hatred of myself
The hatred of this miserable life
Thoughts of just emptiness
Thoughts of fear
Thoughts of anxiety
Thoughts of wanting to run
Wanting to just scream and cry until my vocal cords are shredded and torn and worn
Wanting to just lock myself in my room and never come out
The urge to just shut everyone and everything out and just wallow in my sadness and despair
I can't do half the **** I do normally right
Not even ******* walking
I can't speak right
I can't act right
I can't ******* write right
I can't walk right
I can't do a lot of things
I'm to much of a wuss to get anything done
I can't do a ******* thing to save my life
Vivid mental images from suicidal fantasies roam my mind
its all coming back to me
Even with those who bring me joy and happiness it never lasts
nothing ever will
I understand this and I have for a long time
Bottled up emotions and thoughts have been ready to burst for years
Leaking out only to be filled and shut back in by my fear of collapsing and breaking
i can't do what I want to anymore
i am forced to put up this happy facade and I'm sick of it
Yet I must
I have someone who cares about me and that I know won't try to hurt me
I have some who have tried to take their own life that I almost can't live without
I have to keep my fantasies in my mind and never enact them
I must keep to myself
Keeping the bottle sealed until it shatters under its self brought stress and fear
that fear
that stress
that anxiety
all of it
keeps me from sleep