I just want to be naked
To slowly wake up next to someone and feel the morning light wrap around us while the coffee brews in the other room.
I can visualize the scene
the exact corner of the world me and this stranger will lie next to each other
but I can’t see his face and I don’t know who he is


I want the world to wrap it’s fingers around my throat
force me to feel
the explanation of where I am going and what I am doing
I want to be able to stay the same weight
and not randomly gain ten pounds when I take a few days off of exercising.
The hard work of sobriety to pay off
the moment of elation where I feel ok,
where I don’t feel numb
angry
or scared
just at peace




I want to understand how easy it is to fall out of love
and why I am able to do it constantly
with myself
with lovers
with life



I want the visions to leave me the **** alone
The memories so tangible
I can taste the scenes as they scatter across my pre frontal cortex
How quickly they died
how easily I survived




I cannot comprehend the moments in my life
the triggers that slip through each passing second
I find them all intertwined
the manic penmanship of someone who is scared
who is eager
who somehow in spite of everything
is resilient

I feel safe only in the corners of coffee shops
my fingers gripping the sides of a warm mug
my journal spread open begging to be touched

I feel safe only in times when there is turmoil
when they say the no longer love me
because I can trust that they mean it

I feel safest on the mountaintops
where the silence over takes me
the fog clears and I can see the small miniature tree’s
humbled beneath my height in the clouds
I can almost touch the airplanes as they fly above me
I can be.