This is about me—
I’m going to make it that way
because, unfortunately,
that’s all I know.

These days
focusing on the positive
in every situation
does not happen with me.

It’s waking up to open the curtains
and realizing there was
no sun to begin with—
you have only ever seen
that dark sky
and the stars.

Something must be wrong with me
and that’s all I know.

There is no energy to
dig deeper
within myself or
within the depths of
knowledge, vast in the growing
planet we call home.

There is a vastness of people
I can’t seem to love,
to understand,
or to even hate.
But why?
Why do I have to harbor these feelings?
Why do I have to accept them?

I have a choice, right?
Right?

Why do we listen to sad music
to make us sadder?
Are we so drained and empty
that we cannot shed those tears
unless those lyrics,
those harmonies,
those sounds,
kick us in the heart?

Why aren’t I special?
What did I do wrong?
Why am I so tired?
Where did all my energy go?
Where did I go?

I am sorry to those I have failed,
to those I have angered,
to those I have saddened
and confused.
I don’t want you to worry about me,
but these days I can’t seem
to control my emotions.

I can’t articulate anything.
I can’t tell you what I’m feeling,
I can’t tell you what I’m seeing,
or what I’m hearing
because I don’t know
how to explain it.

How do I tell you that I hate
and admire you simultaneously?
How do I tell you I’m proud of you
but also jealous of your success?
How do I tell you I hate myself?
How do I tell you I’m fine
but have depression?
How do I tell you I’m confident
but also anxious?
How do I give you all my trust
only to shield it from you?
How do I tell you I’m paranoid?

How do I tell you
I don't feel
real anymore?