so i sit on my deck
typing on my computer
in the shade
but the sun is infront of me
and i feel the wind brushing by my ears through my flyaways

i wish i could figure my life out
and seek help

i want to go back and dig deep
i want to go back into my past
to bring up all of the dirt
and secrets
so that i can move on

I'm stuck
and i don't know how to deal with my past

i have so much baggage
i am my own airport
except i don't know where to move on from
or where to go back to

but my mom dying
my dad abusing me
my depression
my anorexia
my anxiety
my assault
my ****

is all haunting me to this day
even though its been

9 years
8 years
7 years
7 years
7 years
3 years
1 year

i feel like i am so ****** up
i can never be fixed

i feel so trapped
with all of the freedoms that i have

i moved away
found new friends
found a soulmate

but I'm stuck
and yet still positive that i will eventually get through this

i just don't know when
when ill finally be able to be at peace
with all thats happened

i don't know who to tell my troubles to
and this poem is me venting
because this site are my ears
no one will listen
so i write to you
the readers
the site
my computer
my online brain and thoughts

so ****
i need someone to help me
i need someone to tell me what to do

because i am lost
in my backyard
where i look out
behind gates
and a pool deck

white privilege
but real issues lay behind me
in my middle class home
where i should be happy
in my backyard