i keep playing this track.
haunting, ethereal tones and
piano keys striking softly, but with force.
there's an interlude of scrambling
like voices, like ghosts

like when i'd drift in that half state between
asleep and awake
in the back of the car, on the middle seat
during road trips to and from the south,
and my mother's voice
and the voice of another passenger
would mingle into background noise,
incomprehensible
but soothing like a lullaby

(i used to try and fade out of consciousness
on purpose
just to listen)

like a rewinding cassette in a horror movie
but i never feel scared
it feels like my mind has been
bled out
into music notes and sound waves.

it starts out so clear
but it just... falls apart
beautifully
whilst somehow sounding composed,
so much noise but
i feel quiet inside. i
want you to make me feel
quiet inside.
i think it might be that you already

do- something to me
you do something to me.
i haven't figured it out yet
just like i haven't figured out
what it is
that makes this track so alluring; it
seduces me
into sleeping with it, and waking with it
and going through hours of my day with it
and never once
do i get tired of it.

i wonder if i feel that way about you.
crush? i'm not twelve.
love? it's not that deep.
affection?
i feel affectionate towards you.
i hope it doesn't offend or disappoint you,
i'm grey-romantic, it's always
hit or miss
with me.

demi-romantic, too; but i don't think that's
an issue, here
i've come to know you
well enough
to think i'd be okay with kissing you
and holding your hands, and
when you talk about the things you like
i notice how i like them too,
and when you talk about the things you want,
i realise i want to give them to you

but i'm still unsure
if that's what i really want
or if that's what i think you deserve
and the two are
far more different than they seem.
just because they go hand in hand
that doesn't mean they can
step in for one another
like sugar in tea—i could never
swallow a spoonful of sugar
but i could swallow it
inside my drink.

this track is still playing and
you are still running
through my mind. the thought of you
now has its own soundtrack
because i wrote a poem
about you
to a sound i fell in love with, and now
i'm wondering

would it be possible to fall in love with you?