last night i dreamt i kissed a boy

i don't remember who he was,
or his eyes or his hair

but i remember his lips,
i learned the pattern of his stubble
and the warmth of his kiss

i remember his body.
he was thin, lanky even.
i could feel his ribs under my fingertips.

i remember his breath.
feeling his lips curl into a smile,
the feeling of sticky, sleepy kisses
when all you hear is the other one breathing.

and i remember his hands.
long, rough fingers in my hair,
the way sunlight wraps around you
and cannot let you go long after it escapes,
and our noses pressing together.

i don't know if i was myself.
i don't remember being a boy or a girl.
my lips felt his stubble, not my own,
i learned the beat of his heart
but i couldn't hear my own,
i know he was there
but i don't see myself.

i only see him.

i was so close to saying i only wanted a girl,
that her softness and strength
would be all i need.

and that is still true.

but i cannot forget the roughness of a boy,
the tenderness that leaks through
in his smile,
pushing his dreams into my body through my lips.

both are their own kind of unique.
i cannot say i love one, but not the other,
or that there isn't a huge spectrum of in-betweens,
all i can say is that i dreamt of a boy,

and that
the dreams he planted there
need to escape.