Right now, I’m on like the Sun
My 1000 watt smile burning in my core
Shedding heat and light in all directions
But, most importantly, spreading to me too
And with a burst and flare I take on my tasks
Spewing heat and passion in all directions
And far away, hanging in the vacuum of space
I watch the things I’ve touched flourish

Let there be life

But this is only half my story, because I am not the Sun
Much as I pretend to be, I am not a creator of energy
The amount I have is finite
Life is not in my orbit
Rather, I’m pulled in by its gravity
It’s all I can do to influence the tides

See, there’s a dark side to the Moon
Those days I go missing from the skies
That you never seem to notice
You only ever care when I’m giving off light
Those off days, this is what they’re like:

Force the corners of your eyes up and fake a smile
The light and heat are draining from you, but you keep giving
It’s always this cold on the dark side

And you compliment and do favors and get assignments and don’t yell
A puppet being yanked through the day
Each time you interact with another person,
You wish they could read the sadness on your face when you turn away
But when they ask, “How are you?”
You say, “I’m okay,”

By the time you’re done with the day’s giving
You’re so tired, you can’t think of what to do for yourself
I takes all your effort to click next episode, next episode
Or bring the chocolate to your lips
You feel a strange mix of gratitude for the numbness
And self-loathing for what the little time you have on this planet has become

At bedtime, one flutter of your heart makes you worry you’re about to die
And a sleepless night later, you promise yourself you’ll ask for help
That you know you never will

That’s what off days are like

But the thing is, I can’t even claim victimhood here
Unlike others who suffer these feelings rightly can

I chose this life

I chose to be a vessel for the Sun’s light
There was a point in my life where I looked in the mirror
And understood what would happen if I kept thinking and acting the way I did
Always give, give, give
I may not have known how deep emptiness and fatigue truly cut
But I knew they were weaved into the path I was set to take
I read the fine print and signed the contract anyway

It’s worth it, I think, in an ends justify the means sort of way
After all, in the end, none of us will really matter
But humanity will, if we do our jobs well
And with on days, that’s more than enough to keep me satisfied

But with off days, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off never having opened my eyes.