By the time I'd met you
I'd already kissed two boys.
I'd had my heart broken by one and had already given up on love.
I was 16.
When we got together,
I'd only known you for a month
But you had already captivated me.
For 144 weeks I'd already thought you were mine for life. You'd said it so many times, and you'd never lie, right?
I'd already forgiven you 26 times by the time you started lying just to see what I'd believe.
The way you made me feel alright was uncompared to anything new you convinced me was too scary

But I didn't feel like trying.
I'd already found true love
Even if it hurt me.

12 months in out of 32 and you'd already broken me 76 times saying words I still  hear in my head.

my bed is empty and you left me, already ready to forget me.

At 17 you said you'd already found true love.


Well what the ****?
Wasn't I done asking for pity already?
Weren't my scars healed already?
Wasn't my story over already?
Was I over it, already?

But you loved me, I already knew that.

You masked insults with reoccurring phrases
Coined already to make me feel sorry for crying over what you said
It was a joke, you'd already told me not to take it seriously
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn't I over it already?


I don't remember when things got bad,
Maybe I had lost the ability to by the time they did because with you I'd already done so much wrong but thanked you for always being forgiving.

I Found myself lost.
Apologizing for feelings
I couldn't create if I tried
You said you loved me but created tides that pulled me by the ankles.
I'd taken swimming lessons already.

But they don't teach you how to swim or survive when you fall in love with drowning.



So I tried to swim
in the rough waters you drowned me in over and over again
You never saw, I'd always stay afloat for show,
But I'm drowning again
Already,


Already? You moved on
19 days for 3 years, already gone.
Already you filled the void
(You said I'd created)
With white noise because
How could you make the choice
To replace me for good? Already?
You spent years convincing me I needed to stay afloat, needed you to do so.
I can't bring myself to remove your clothes that have piled up
3 feet in 19 days
already.
I counted the ways in which you made me want to die
And tried to justify it by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive
But I stopped because 6 months in I'd already used all 10 fingers.

Tell me if you do the same for her.



Already.
Already you are happy
Smiling again.
The best you say you've ever been.
you float above waters
You'd already drowned me in.
But I'm so happy
You're all ready to begin again
With someone else.
While I'm struggling to heal myself and
Losing color as I stop myself from asking for your help.
You'd throw me a line if
You got praise for it
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again
I know I need to do it already
When everyone on shore assures me I deserve more
But I'm still short of breath.
And look at you
Already free.
Happy
Already?
You are shaping waves
Ruthless- crashing to keep your name
The one I always remember
When I say in vain
"I'd already found true love by 16"
I can barely breathe,
so tell me why I already want you back again, drowning me again, already