dear you,

this is a goodbye to you. it's something i never wanted to write, but i think it's something i need to do. you were, and still are, i'm afraid, a large part of me, and that doesn't go away.

i know that towards the end, here, things were bad... really bad, and i know you blame me. i do as well, somewhere deep; i think so deeply all the time about whether or not this could have been fixed, if my mistakes had never happened, if we would still be okay... i still don't have an answer.

the nights i have spent absolutely crippled with sadness, curled up so tight into myself that i thought i might implode... i would do them all over again if it meant we could start over. the love i have for you was and is real, very real; i know you don't believe that and i don't think i can convince you otherwise. my heart aches at the thought of letting you go, darling, but i have to buck up sometime, don't i?

i so badly wanted it to be you. so badly i would give it all away; but love has a funny way of making you feel on top of the world and underneath it in the same sweet breath. you drive me so ******* crazy, and make me so angry to the point of seeing red, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. my love for you goes too deep.

we're terrible for each other. i know it, and so do you. no doubt crashing and burning would be inevitable, but i couldn't care less. the passion i feel when i kiss you and feel you blind me from caring; it's been months since i've felt you and i still have the same sentiment.

this is just me writing, avoiding the whole point of this... to say goodbye. i so badly don't want to, but this is what i need... and what you no doubt want. i want only a few things for you:

the first is to learn how to forgive. me in specific, yes, but also as a whole. you dwell too much on holding grudges, and you need to let that go. you're thick-headed, dear, and allowing for explanations isn't your strongest suit.

the next thing i want for you is to think of me. i don't want you to forget. i know you'll probably drown yourself in so much brandy you forget your own name, but try not to forget mine in the mess of it all. i know you're so angry you don't even want to hear my name, but please... i don't want to be tucked under the rug like some forgotten belonging. we've gone through so much for me to be pushed aside so coldly. remember the way i felt as your electric fingertips brushed over me, don't disregard those sparks.

the last thing i want for you is happiness; i want you to be so happy you don't know what to do with yourself. whether it is with me, or her, or no one at all, it doesn't matter. i don't think you're a monster, and i want your happiness more than mine. i love you, so much, and seeing you happy after so many months of anger would put me at a little bit of ease. seeing someone or something do what i so obviously could not would show me happiness is still possible in you.

this is it, i suppose. all things need to end and this is one thing i dreaded the most. if we never speak again, just know you planted something in me that can't and won't quit. i love you so much, and thank you. for showing me this heart was capable of loving again. you'll be on my mind, always.

so much love,
me.