wouldn't call it
insomnia
I haven't even
tried
to rest my head
and sleep.
forcing
myself to stay awake
because the time
before drifting
asleep
is the worst.

it's easier
when someone
is next to me.
I could
hold you
feel your heat
against me
hug
you
cuddle
you

even though
I am small
being the big spoon
is my favorite.

craving intimacy.
but when
I receive it
I end up
pushing
it
away.

I used
to search
for attention;
anyone
to talk to
anyone
so I wouldn't
be alone
with my thoughts.
I've stopped
looking for
my
satisfaction
in others

"love yourself,
or no one
else
will,"
that's a lie.
others
can, and
will love me
but I can't
accept
that love
return
that love

it's just unfair
to them.

I don't want to fall asleep.
not
the sleep part
but
the falling.
the time with my mind
alone.
although I lack
an internal monologue
I still
feel.
my thoughts
are not words
they are
feelings.
when I write
I make them
words.
when I
am falling
asleep
alone
those feelings
are
unavoidable

wouldn't call it
insomnia
just
forcing myself to stay
awake.

wouldn't call it
an eating disorder
just
not making myself
eat.

wouldn't call it
addiction
just
the way I miss you
sober.

wouldn't call it
life
just
a tragic comedy
the
lament
of
me.