However,
There’s one more dilemma...
I love the quiet,
I welcome the dark,
For the same reason that I hate them both.

Because no one is around me,
No one is there to worry about me,
There are no voices whispering in my ear to grow up, get married, have kids, get a job.
I'm not ready for that yet.
And other voices, although caring, telling me to eat more, sleep more, never forget to take care of myself.
But I can't do that.
I must hold back on my mental issues to do what I must.
And eating and sleeping is no must in my book.
As long as I can make it through a day.
As long as I can get good grades.
As long as I’m not a disappointment.
I don’t need them.

In the dark, my imagination and anxiety take over my thoughts alarmingly quickly.
But at the same time,
I can hide here.
I am safe here.
No one has to see me,
I can do whatever I please.
And no one will judge me for it,
No one will be inconvenienced based on my actions.

You see, I never quite know what I want,
Trapped in a circle of light and dark.
Which one can I stay safe in?
Which one can I stay happy in?
Which one will tear me down first?
Which one could I tear down first?

All of these questions,
I have answers to.
However, I'll choose to ignore them,
Because I don't know which is better yet.
I cannot decide yet.
*Thus, the never ending cycle of internal conflict.