It's been a year since he took you from the world and still I can't see you ever being gone...
I wish that I could take my beating heart and place it in your lifeless body,
bring you back with bleeding arms just to show me you are alive and embodied,
I wish that I could give my lungs to you,
The ones he shot the bullet through,
So you can breathe and be , just to be, but BE,
Don't be dead... just be...
I hate thinking about the truth because the truth is we lost you...
If you have a soul and you really did go ,
you passed on that's all i want to know...
Just that you're okay and you're not hurting to this day,
I don't want to believe that you're just lying in a coffin under the ground people walk on and i dont want to believe that that was the end ...
of you...
i want to put my hand on your chest and feel something ,
i want to see your face and be able to read it... living...
i need to know that you're still alive in some sense...
and since my life hasnt gotten any better,
i think i'll come to you.
to give you my heart and my lungs to use...
i dont want to believe anything about death.
i want to know you're at peace but in reality you're dead.
when i talk to you do you hear me?
when i smile at you do you see me?
when i call your name 50 times a day,
do you come to me to relieve me?
of this empty endless pain....
i just want to know...
that you
are okay...
i dont think i'll be able to read this over without a whole meltdown moving closer,
and i dont want to do that but how can i not?
i've just been through this so many times...

i dont want to make you sad
i dont know if you can see this but if you can,
i love you and i want you to know one thing...
it'll always be
"live on",
never
"rest in peace".
i feel like the loss arrested me... and im in prison awaiting release.
the way your death affected me is like i got smashed to un-fixable pieces..
i never thought i could be destroyed but he did...
when i found out what he did and that what he did could never be fixed...
i want to go to the end of the world and jump off of the highest cliff.
feel my body falling fast and death approaching faster.
nothing to catch me but life that comes after...
and when i see your face again i know that i am home...
and that what was taken from all of us was never really gone.