i wish i could tell myself that everything's going to be alright but i am never in control of everything i know and i do not hold the future, i simply know what is, not what will be.
what i hold is the capacity to off myself and to unscrew what is whole and complete. i can build a stronger version of who i am, yet i am given this choice to slowly deteriorate the only things i have. i can be a target of elimination and a person who can be a subject of improvement.
so many things i can change and the actions are literally at the brink of my own finger tips. so many choices for betterment, but i choose to waste away.
when numb, i choose to crack my exterior, to bruise each of my layers until i see colors.
when in pain, i choose to thicken my skin, until i don't feel the trickle of tears.
when in between breaking down and forcing a smile, i choose to fill my lungs with cancer, i love the taste of bitter and lighted cigarettes.

life is merely a matter of choice. and i was given numerous choices of whether or not i dragged a keen object across my skin, whether i shook my head to a cigarette, or plunged my fist into a concrete wall.

if the beating of our hearts were given to us as a choice, and if we were given the capability to hold and refrain it from bleeding anymore than it should, then i would have killed myself a long time ago. and that thought alone terrifies me the most.

n.j.