I stopped bragging about my vices when you reminded me that I existed before my addictions.
I stopped blaming love for knowing me falsely when I realized that I had never really met it before.
I realized that my obsessions ran shallow because I thought that it would be hard to quit them, but it was harder to hold back eternity; the infinite moments that I felt had existed before I did.
As though the love I have for you was pre- determined pre- ordained pre- ternaturally formed.
As if the way I had organized my messy human emotions into neat little boxes & lines had all been an errand to occupy my mind.
Before I loved you- I loved escaping.
Any window or stairway or back-alley-path
that I could shimmy-down sideways and avoid things like
small talk or free verse or early mornings,
were the lanes I would dwell in, hide in, reside in.
But when I'm with you- and when I'm without you- (because now you permeate everything I do) everything that I do is tinged with you; Your colour Your contrast Your pigment Your hue.
As if you are a light ray that I can now see, my spectrum has gained the most beautiful wave.
And in this ultraviolet light, the
small talk and free verse and early mornings
are sort of breathtaking.
I say sort of, because while I gasp, you give me air.
And how can I choke when my heart's already gone?
When my skin is electric and my soul is on fire
like some sort of creature that's been born from the flames.
And everything I thought that I needed has now been erased and replaced and preceded
by this uncontrollable urge to eat you alive to have you inside to *** when you die.
And this monster that you've made of me is hungry and ***** and cannot concentrate on anything but you
And I swear to God or the grave (and really, they're the same) that if I love you any more I will be ruptured in two which would leave me a quarter of a person because I'm only whole when I'm with you.
Like the four-legged beings that Zeus ripped apart-
I've searched for you always I've searched for your heart.