I stopped bragging about my vices when
you reminded me that I existed before my addictions.
I stopped blaming love for knowing me falsely when I realized that I had never really met it before.
I realized that my obsessions ran shallow because I thought that it would be hard to quit them,
but it was harder to hold back
eternity;
the infinite moments that I felt
had existed
before I did.
As though the love I have for you was
pre-
determined
pre-
ordained
pre-
ternaturally formed.
As if the way I had organized my messy human emotions into neat little
boxes
&
lines
had all been an errand to occupy my mind.
Before I loved you-
I loved escaping.
Any window
or stairway
or back-alley-path
that I could shimmy-down sideways
and avoid
things like
small talk
or
free verse
or
early mornings,
were the lanes I would dwell in,
hide in,
reside in.
But when I'm with you-
and when I'm without you-
(because now you permeate everything I do)
everything that I do is tinged with you;
Your colour
Your contrast
Your pigment
Your hue.
As if you are a light ray that I can now see,
my spectrum has gained the most beautiful wave.
And in this ultraviolet light,
the
small talk
and
free verse
and
early mornings
are sort of
breathtaking.
I say sort of, because while I gasp, you give me air.
And how can I choke when my heart's already gone?
When my skin is electric and my soul is
on fire
like some sort of creature that's been born from the flames.
And everything I thought that I needed
has now been
erased
and
replaced
and
preceded
by this uncontrollable urge
to eat you
alive
to have you
inside
to *** when
you die.
And this monster that you've made of me is hungry
and *****
and cannot concentrate on anything but
you
And I swear to God
or the grave
(and really, they're the same)
that if I love you any more
I will be ruptured in two
which would leave me a quarter of a person
because I'm only whole when I'm with you.
Like the four-legged beings that Zeus ripped apart-
I've searched for you always
I've searched for your heart.