In high school middle school and even elementary
I wasn’t in the popular crowd or the cool kids
I was just on the sidelines like I wasn’t even there
I was the kid known as that fairy kid, the queer, and the ****

I wasn’t known as who I really am.

So when I walked down the halls
I could hear them call me names
I saw them point and laugh
I still do.  
I can still remember everyone that has called me names. Queer
I can still feel it resonating in my head. ***
I still hear the laughter in the throbbing pain in my head
like the pressure of my blood pumping through. ****
I see their faces floating around like in the movies.

---In reality sometimes they’re gayer than me

I cried almost every time I was in the shower
No one could hear me
No one could see me
No one could feel the same way as I did

I would always look at the razors sitting there beside me
Trying to get my self to just grab it.
And see if the pain would go away with just one cut
I almost tried to commit suicide

I couldn’t use the razor
The sight of blood makes me faint,
I needed an alternative.
Then fire caught my eye,
and then my skin.

The pain felt like it was cold then like a bee sting all at once
But I did it more I could still hear those names
I could still see them staring and laughing
It wouldn’t go away
It couldn’t

I did this for months
Until I faced the truth that it would never take away the pain
The pain was there, is there, and always will be there
Their face will still laugh and taunt me in the back of my mind

But times are getting better
I have my friends and family to help
The pain is still there just not as bad with their help
But that’s the story behind the smile

And if I was gay
Does it matter?