time is not static and i am no longer six years old
but sometimes i still feel like that
i want you to know that life means something different to me
than it ever did to you

i want you to know that i wish i could control everything
and make everyone feel okay
i want you to know that when people say that time heals all wounds,
they’re not telling the truth
ten years is a long time to wait for something like that to happen

i still entertain myself with the “what if” game
and if you have ever done that
then you know just as well as i do that it doesn’t get you anywhere
i want you to know some of the things that go on in my head
because for some reason i think you are the only person who could understand

what if you didn’t own a gun
what if i was a better daughter
what if the string of events that led up to you leaving this earth forever
didn’t happen

what if you saw me now and you were disappointed
in who i am, what i have done, and where i have ended up
what if it wasn’t a mistake or a regret
what if this is what you actually wanted

i’m sorry that sometimes life seemed like a jumbled mess
of heartache and regret and things that don’t make sense
i’m sorry that you spent so long chasing after something
that would have never made you feel okay
i’m sorry that you felt as if you had to drown your brilliance with substance
instead of just seeing it for what it was

i will not label your absence
or claim to know where you have moved on to
i can only hope that there is something more
than everything you were so desperate to escape
i hope that wherever you are, there is no one to tell you to turn your music down
and there’s never a day where you feel like something’s missing
i hope you’re not running anymore
and i hope that you never feel like you have to again