i want to write something life changing
but i always end up rambling about the things i've been building up for so long that slowly end up falling apart before my eyes. the slightest things can have an impact on myself and can cause me to relapse. a single word, an image, a person, can trigger so many things and memories that lead me to breaking into a million pieces. it's up to me if i can afford a lot of time and patience into thinking if i want to resemble the parts of myself that i want to improve. i want to think of myself as an embodiment of flaws and confidence. but i am just one of those in the end. it's so hard to  continue doing your everyday routines, trying to catch up with schedules and my favorite bands and idols, when i myself can't understand where i'm heading. i pray so hard, to a god, someone that i want to believe in but i'm slowly drifting apart from, everyday hoping that i'll get better when it's been 5 years of on and off struggles and relapsing. i want to get better, so that in the future i can share words that are written in happiness and certainty. instead of the redundancy of constant death, thoughts of suicide, and insecurity. i want people to stay tuned, maybe anticipating if i end up dying early from overdose or recovering completely from the darkness that has engulfed me long ago. but no one is sure, not even myself if i will get better. all i know is that i'm still here and in the process of finding something that will change my life forever.