Wasting time with legs
Crossed on his lap
Poking fun
Work's not done
But does it really matter?
The hours stolen by
Jokes and tangents
Of politics, thoughts
And made-up words
That paint these
Undirected times
With life

As interests and education collide
The complexities of my character
Fall away one by one
Each individuality smoothed over
Streamlined
Until all variations are wiped away
To uncover a focused machine
With one goal alone
I am tireless by name alone
As I process the backlog
Integrate new discoveries
With forgotten truths

So it's time to hide again,
Behind a broken figurehead,
Dust off the mask and wear it
Not proud, ashamed,
But not allowed to show it,
So I'll let the mask hold my tears,
And shed them at home.

Breathing slow
Eyes closed
A second
Of silence
And softness
Left to dream
In the night

Looking on as they take their places
Familiar faces now behind a door
I'm cut-off from their new world
A story told in my absence
I know they'd still welcome me
But I welcome the arms of sleep
Instead.

I hadn't expected
This to take so long,
So many glitches,
Corruptions,
Distractions,
Delayed these,
Randomnesses,
And as the light faded,
My frustration grew
Until finally,
Every wrinkle was
Ironed out.

Professional?
Never.
There is no order to this
Organisation built on random
Ideas and words
That came to our heads one Thursday.
But now it has become
A messy reality
With all the inconveniences
That the real world brings
And all the stupid,
Silly moments
We harness.

The future scares me
It's full of old men and women
Signing deals and orders
That make no difference to them
But for those different to them
Change prospects, steal hope,
Silence their voices first with
Shushing, then with a finger
On their lips
Then a hand on their mouth
A gag round their face
And water in their lungs.

The future scares me
Because the people making decisions
Are a generation behind
And instead of being
Slowly replaced with fresh
Younger voices, they're
Making choices that reflect
Back their views
Onto the minds of those to follow
In some never-ending circle
Of whims that feel like fact
Based on nothing
But conditioned instinct
For self-preservation.

The future scares me
Because half the world
Missed out on social progression
And discovered social media
And turned it into social war
Against those who grew up learning
How not to be like them
How not to repeat their mistakes
And not to mistake hate
For justice granted by
A God that they crushed down
Into a 3-line weapon
Against anyone they deemed unworthy.

The future scares me
Because I cannot understand the
Rational of the irrationality
Sweeping the world.
Because I was taught
To love others as myself
And base facts on evidence
But it seems like those things
Burned so deep in my core
Matter no more
And if I cannot understand
The reasons behind this
How can I know what to do
To fix it?
So I'm scared
And I'm praying that my generation
Will not be lost to the same fears
As the one before.

Now the long days begin
Reality takes over, reminding me
My life is unobserved,
To most of little
Consequence
And to me lacking
Direction
I don't know where
I'm going but my path
Is clearly marked so I
follow, unseeing
with wasted steps
in search of
some answer
or other.

Curtain call, one last time,
...
Enjoy this,
You
never wasted a second.

"Nothing is real," she says,
Her tone a cloak for her meaning
But I know her words are a plea,
A last hope to convince herself
That the darkness is no more
Than a shadow puppet in some sick play.
She would welcome emptiness,
Silence and solitude,
For her these things would be a
Relief

Centre-stage
Solo
Words of power

Prepare
Aim
Sound the rally cry:

To arms!
My friends!
This is our time

But

As the call
Tumbles
From my mouth

My platform
Is taken
My mic cuts out

I stand up
Despite it
Make myself heard

Over the pit
And distance
Travel my words

They will forget
This Day
And all the hours before my stand

But they'll remember
My quiet revolution -
They'll understand.

My whole insides curl
As I lock eyes on her face,
See her fear - her panicked breathing,
Her shaking head.
I reach forward for her
But cringe back in myself
Separate mind from body
As I touch her hair
My snarl is not mine,
Nor the words -
Such bitterness is scripted
And crushing to say,
To play this part twists my soul
Into the shape
Of what broke me first.

A rush, panic
nothing calm or sure
as if we hadn't done this ten,
twenty, thirty times before and
now a prop's missing
a line's dropped
but no-one let on,
the show musn't stop
for our touch-ups of makeup to
make us look worn
a fake limp - a real one,
a tired shirt torn,
coins on the table,
ribbon in my hair,
waistcoat, tie, jacket and
a deadly stare - there's
no time to wallow
in success or mistake
the stage is a world
and we only get one take.

Growling of gears
and years fill my mind;
channel the effort, the pain,
the suffering I never knew
and experience it all in ten
minutes of labour
and with each lift, each struggle,
let them feel it too.

Time to take on the role
It's a quick change -
But I know what I'm doing.
A top off, a shirt on,
Swap the coat,
Untie my hair - then makeup,
It all comes off easily,
My fine-tuned eyeliner no more
Than a smudge on a face wipe.
There isn't time to change my shoes
But they never get noticed
Anyway.
A glance in the mirror,
Not too long,
But enough to see an old character,
Back once again.
I head to the stage, ready,
then:

"Hi, Stephen."

The show begins.

Soon our new world
Will be revealed to us
The reality we will build
Within the emptiness
Will bleed out beyond the walls
And feed our lungs
With stories that never
Saw light until they met
Our minds.

Keeping all thoughts
On the business of entertainment
Standing in my corner
A paper cup warming
My hands and the steam
Thawing my lips after the winter
Chill became too strong.

To me this is not a
Social group but a place of
Working harder than
Anyone else to become
Better, more convincing
A liar for the sake of
Five days of glory.

I will be the best I
Can be but I will
Forget their names,
And know them only
As their puppets.

A breath, one last
pause before the onslaught
of pressure, nerves and fatigue
makes its home among
the stench of sweat
and futile deodorant.

A chance to release
and forget for a while
to keep appearances
from turning stale
and let each motion become
natural again.

Sit here with no duty
no great fight, no lines
no levels or positions -
only myself
and
the house.

What are a few tears
But water on my cheeks
When they are shed in exchange
For her eyes?

What does it matter
If I crush myself
If another's heart could be
Saved from pain?

Why wouldn't I
Let myself down
To lift her from the night
To love.

A whisper in my ear
A suggestion: wild
Pointless and fruitless,
But an unending desire,
Her skin shines,
Revealed and displayed
Tempting me,
The hungered denied,
But a hint offered,
A glimmer of quenched thirst
But stolen so quickly,
Leaving me longing,
Again.

A snap of trumpets
A wall of strings in support
True sound revealed

In forgetting a five minute act
Six hours condemned to discomfort,
The irritation upon my face
Will not fade until scratched away
And here I have no blade,
No sharp edge to free myself
From the torture of this body
That will not stop hurting me
Until I break it
And am reborn from its remains

They grew within our ranks
Nurtured into strength
Turned traitor
Biting back
Chaining me to their ideals

They maimed my skin
Their strikes precise
Piercing pain,
Digging deep
To bleed my heart dry

The air filled with smoke
Choking my lungs
Aching arteries,
Poison pumped
To steal my breaths

The barrel pressed against my skull
******* on the trigger
Trip twitch,
Fated fuse
And they'd destroy me:

Their home,
Their Earth.

Is it a crime to dream
When such fantasies are unreachable?
When perfection eludes reality
Should I reach for it even so?
Only to punish myself,
When the inevitable flaws
Of existence bleed through.
So instead, should I
Concede to fears
And hide my hopes from view?
But when have I
Allowed crimes or logic
To disrupt my course?
Perhaps. just once more,
I can dream pure.

I lost my childhood,
I lost those days of running
Outside and playing in the summer
And dancing in new dresses.

I'd have them back
I'd grow up again,
Lose those inhibitions I built up
To be that little girl.

But if I did,
Who would I be?
Some shadow of the human who sits here
Typing at half-past midnight
To spread some message of
I-don't-know-what-but-it-matters?

Could I give up myself,
For such material hopes?
No.
What if I'd never met
The angels and guardians
Who showed me how
Love works?

I have lost my childhood,
I can't get it back,
But I will grow up even so,
From a scared little girl,
Into the woman I was meant to be.

We sat across, hands held
And told each other our past
And I admitted to myself
My failings, my fear,
And cried in her arms,
Releasing the panic,
Letting her voice soothe me,
Her closeness ease the trembling
That takes over me so quickly,
She says I can love,
She says I must love myself,
That I matter,
And then I knew for sure,
Where my shattered heart lies.

My body reminds me of its own
Hatred for itself
A searing pain spreading up
From between my legs
And burning up my chest
Screaming within my lungs
And tightening every muscle
Almost to spasm.
Tearing me away from
Even the slightest smile
And dragging the corners of my lips
Downwards
Further
And my mind is:
Red, dark, sharp, frantic
Angry at life.
I beg it to stray but
Material distractions
Are weak.

Okay
Listen to me now:
This is my political address
But I'm gonna talk to you now
Like you're all my friends
Because if we're gonna make it through this
We're gonna have to look out for each other in the end.

First thing's first,
let's set the record straight
It doesn't make a bit of difference
if you're straight or gay
And it really doesn't matter
from which country you originate.

And whichever god you pray to,
It's not okay
to sexualise a body or normalise ****.

And if your love for your children
depends on who they love,
then you've got your parenting wrong.

This is my breakout:
The jailbird has lost her chains
She will not stay in her cage
For one more day.

This is our breakout:
The lady's not in the lake
She's fighting blade to blade
To make her own way.

I wish I could say this will be easy
I wish I didn't have to talk
I wish I could say things will get better
But they won't be 'til rights are rights for all.

I've got these itchy feet and they don't want
to stay on the ground
I want to fly, I want to free myself and
burn the house down
And when I'm done I will stand in the wreck
And I'll scream all the words that come into my head

I'm screaming:
Had enough of "Please stop staying up so late"
If I went to bed I couldn't sleep anyway
with all the pain, all the tears
all the blood I've bled
I can't wait for the first hit to reach my head.

Inject the celebration
In our veins: the elevation
Stop bringing me down

This is an offering -
Of no expected return,
No bargain, no barter,
No deal, no debts,
Here: take my words.
All of them.
They are yours.
If nothing feels better, I want to make that last
So these words can rest in your mind when it's dark,
Rest in your hands when you're shaking,
Or your heart when it's breaking.
And when you run out -
I'll write you more.

Freedom tastes like a cold night,
A freshness,
A new way to live without light,
And above me stars,
Like angels whispered into being,
Guardians to keep me safe
And keep my heart beating
In time with my soul that I've searched for
And lost
That's been churned up and spat out and now I know the true cost
But that debt was paid
Long before I fought with the blade
Because the truth is
This pain was almost all self made
And by opening up to change
I'm not excusing the blame
Of the people who hurt me
Because the best way to get back at them
Is going back to being happy
So now I'm ready,
I'm not a little boy anymore,
I'm a girl trying to find my way to the surface
And I know that this
Won't be too easy
It takes more than long hair and silicone ******* to love my body
But it's a start and the first step along a storm-filled journey,
That will take me from boy to girl to a woman who's nearly thirty,
And I can't know right now
How many problems it'll solve
But one solution at a time
I can stay the execution in my head
Every time I saw my reflection until now it said:
"You're messed up, you faker, now go back to bed"
But now in that same mirror
I see the glimmer,
Of a figure I don't want to let go.
The light's returning
My heart is burning with a new flame
And a new name
And May Sara's gonna take this stage
And when she stands and sings her piece
It's about more than a show it's about a peaceful release,
A peaceful end,
A peaceful restart
A peaceful exit,
And a peaceful new part,
An act two, after an eventful beginning,
And you know what, this time,
Truth and love are winning.

Look in my eyes,
What do you see?
Come on, behind the lies,
Lies the true me.
Is there something in my gaze?
A haze, a dreaming
Just a teenager staring at space?
No! I'm screaming!
Don't you hear the cries
Rattling in my mind?
I'm helpless and hopeless
And lost - but defined and
Undermined by my own fear,
Holding hate near,
I want to rip off these clothes,
And shout "Yes! I am here!"
But I can't do that,
Can't let them see my faulty genes,
See these jeans and coats
Keep my mind off the fact
That every day I'm living,
I'm living like I act,
A part to play,
A play to show,
A show to stop
Me having to stand out,
For so long I fell foul
For so long it felt wrong
And now these howls
Of pain feel like a swan song
I'm falling, fallen, faded
Forgotten who I am
But when the spotlight turns off -

Breathe.
Sigh.

There a few things more beautiful
Than an English sunset,
As the pale yellow streaks across stone-walled fields,
Perhaps a squirrel will pop up its head
Or some bird silhouette itself amongst the sky
Before landing softly upon
A tired old oak,
One side shining as the sun's light
dips lower.
And the pale blue goes to purple,
And yellow to orange,
And ducks behind the hill across
The ancient valley - unchanged for so long.

Following some random impulse,
We bought and shared a piece of bread,
I had no reason to be there, or even close,
I'd already left once and come back,
What kept me from home, I can't say,
But my reward for illogical action,
A brighter night, a simpler night.

A fly drops to my hand as I write
I notice but don't register enough to
obstruct the flow of my words.
It sits until I move it, waiting, lazy,
It just barely flies, tired from cold,
And I return to the page.

If I sit here staring into space
Perhaps I'm thinking
Or playing with thoughts
Posing some character and taking
a picture on an instant camera.

Or perhaps I'm singing
Some song in my head
that means enough to steal my sight
from my eyes
for my mind.

My heart calls, restless
I hesitate to answer
So unease remains

To douse the fire,
The keys beckon,
The phone calls and
messages ask for attention.
I wait, stare, until a reply
of some other half-crazed
completely insane friend
breaks the wall and rips
my inward eyes to the screen
And of course we are both
up too late for our own good
But not for our own good anyway
So I let her distract with those
jokes and four hearts
Until I can breathe.

The skin burns up around my lips,
Nagging at my fingers,
Like the hairs on my chin are being
replaced
with needles ramming into my skin
through muscle to the bone
with no pause or thought
and setting fire to the collagen
that holds my jaw together.
Until my head is crumbling and I'm
trying to rip out the spikes
that aren't there and weren't
ever
but still scream into my skull
"Give up!"

The coke fizzes just over the rim of the glass,
a sliver trickles, reluctantly down the side,
To a cacophony of a rising hiss,
It pools on the surface,
shining,
The rise cuts itself off,
Done.

Between the branches of a tree,
A single scrap of sky,
The pale blue is waning,
Lost to the night's tide.
And buried far beneath,
An eternity of existence
Stretching out the colours,
And fading into distance.
So far now,
Yet held close,
By mind, not matter.

All my friends need medication
I need injections to stay me
And everyone around me's in love with insanity
The deluded speak the truth
They see the world as it is
Cause really life is bleak and tough to quit

All my friends need medication
I need injections to stay me
And everyone around me's in love with insanity
The deluded speak the truth
They see the world as it is
Cause really life is dark and bleak and ****

Where have the words gone?
My throat closes up and chokes,
Another chance lost.

Where do I go when my world crumbles?
Sometimes I feel as though I just
Let the earth fall away
Beneath my feet
And wait
To hit the bottom of some pit
That already collapsed once.

Sometimes I try to run from
The inevitable destruction
And hide in corners
That might
Just about
Survive the end
But they never do.

Sometimes I search for a hand
To lead me to a safer place
And hold me tight
As everything
Comes tumbling
Down around us
But I can't find reach their fingers

And they're
Just
Falling
Too

She knows how to ask and get,
But I love giving.
She knows when I need to forget
The hell I'm living.
She knows where to go
To escape it all
She knows how to know
When I'm about to fall.
She knows how to share her pain,
So I can share mine.
She knows how to love the rain,
But stay inside.
She knows when all I need,
Is a meal and a break.
And she knows how I feel,
But that's okay.

If I was to write an underscore,
For my life, it would be full of changes,
A sea of dissonance with tiny outcrops of safety,
A deep, dark, angry piano,
Broken through briefly with strings,
And a flute to accompany my tears,
As they gently crawled down my cheek,
And there would be sudden key shifts
Leading into bursts of understanding,
And gentle nights of freedom,
Growing slowly into a bright promise of a future,
Filled with solos becoming a wall of brass,
Gaining confidence until I would stand,
And sing alone.

I'd missed you, I knew,
But my eyes wasted no time,
In reminding themselves how to
Marvel at you,
And my hands,
Remembered how to long for you,
And the warmth in your palms.

In front of me, again, the beauty who never saw,
Her own precious nature,
Whose laugh blocked out all thoughts,
Of panic, or sense of
time and deadlines,
Instead wishing only to hear her voice,
And her joy between her tears.

There you were,
Unreachable,
Yet held tight,
An angel of the night,
Who never wanted the light,
But I just couldn't let you go.